The Chicken Blog

After a several month hiatus, it's the return of the Scott Chicken Radio Programme!

2010-10-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Friday on the Scott Chicken radio programme (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we will hear about these gems:

Take your daughter to work day indeed! Police say burglar brought her daughter, 2, on job. Well, foster care is cheaper than daycare, anyway...

The honorary genius of the day award goes to the guy who asked the cops for a ride while holding cocaine in his pocket. Then again, maybe he is a genius...the article doesn't say where he wanted to go. Maybe jail was his intended destination!

It's always good to have friends. Especially when you're a teen-age boy prone to doing stupid hormone-fueled things like, oh, jumping on the hood of a moving car. In that case it helps that the friends are your football team mates and have no problem lifting the car off your spine and holding it up for 20 minutes while waiting for the ambulance...Oh, and to his credit, the kid "admits jumping on the hood of his friend's car was a bad idea".

So, on a day with dumb criminals and potentially drug-addled criminals you'd think a possibly crazy criminal might slip through the cracks. But you'd be wrong, because at the Scott Chicken radio programme we pride ourselves in being both dumb, drug-addled and crazy! Just not as crazy as this lady, who thought it was a good idea to try to trade in a fake $10,000 bill. Not that crazy yet, anyway...

From the "what are the odds" section of the "why didn't that come out in voir dir" file we pull this little piece of courtroom drama: A woman, sworn in as a juror in a domestic violence case, suddenly announced that she was the anonymous 911 caller who reported the crime! Not surprisingly, both hilarity and a mistrial ensued.

There may be no honor among thieves, but apparently there is occasionally some pity, as shown by the story of an armed robber returning everything he stole from a homeless man after learning that said homeless man lives at a shelter. "I can respect that," said our modern-day Robin Hood, who then returned the man's property and walked away.

WTF???

2010-10-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

OK, Amazon, I understand that you like to recommend books and whatnot, but I'm damned if I can find the connection between an Tintin book and this thing about nanotribiology. Is it that budding nanotribiologists like to smoke a nice fat cigar laced with opium? Because while that sounds like a good way to waste a weekend I probably don't have the science background to make it in to the school...

Dear Amazon.com Customer,
As someone who has purchased or rated Cigars of the Pharoah (The Adventures of Tintin) by Herge or other books in the Authors 6 > Herge category, you might like to know that Biological Micro- and Nanotribology: Nature's Solutions (NanoScience and Technology) will be released on November 2, 2010. You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Biological Micro- and Nanotribology: Nature's Solutions (NanoScience and Technology)
Matthias Scherge

Price:

$209.00

Release Date: November 2, 2010

Other Versions and Languages

Hardcover

Product Description

By employing a combination of approaches from several disciplines the authors elucidate the principles of a variety of biomechanical systems that rely on frictional surfaces or adhesive secretions to attach parts of the body to one another or to attach organisms to a substrate. This account provides an excellent starting point for engineers and physicists working with biological systems and for biologists studying friction and adhesion. It will also serve as a valuable introduction for graduate students entering this interdisciplinary field of research.

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2010 First Day of School

2010-09-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

Only a few days late...maybe one of these days I'll actually blog about something of substance here. Then again, why change now?

OK, back to the reason for this: Wednesday was the first day of school in Seattle, and for the first time in the nine years we've been in "real" school it rained. Amazing, I know, but true. When you get to the last photo you'll see the streaks of rain that are absent in the others. Oh, and the steps are wet. What more proof do you need?

And with that, on with the show!

The end is near!

2010-08-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

Why else would Germany be being rampaged by radioactive boars? And since they're all hot and whatnot even Obelix can't help out. Or maybe he can...does that invulnerability potion cover radiation sickness?

Another reason I'm glad not to live in the Midwest

2010-05-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Baseball-size hail. Just one more entry in the long, long list of weather I'm glad I don't have to deal with.

Ah, Paul Rudd...

2010-05-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

Love him or hate him, you can't argue with the fact that the man can Dance like a freak.

Tuesday's news: Bond 23 in money trouble?

2010-04-21T13:03:00.001-07:00

Maybe "Q" has a mint hidden somewhere in his gadget bunker...hope so, 'cause the latest Bond film is on hold waiting for financing!

There's nothing funny about being short of money. There's also nothing inherently funny about crocodiles. But a headline like "Crocodile forces Australian aerobics class to wait" just makes me chuckle. Mainly because of the image of a crocodile in spandex, leg warmers, and a head band.

Here's something that freaks me out: Foreign Accent Syndrome. That's where something goes haywire in your brain and you suddenly start talking like you're from a different country. Case in point this woman from Devon, England, who had severe migraines and now speaks with a Chinese accent. Freaky, I tell you!

And speaking of inconvenient, that whole Icelandic volcano thing is messing with people's days in a big way. John Clese ended up taking a taxi home from Norway because the planes were all grounded. He should have called this guy and asked for a ride in the car he bought in Sweden to get home!

And finally, here's another example of how smoking is harmful to your health: A woman in Australia, who had been in a fight with her boyfriend in which said boyfriend doused her with gasoline, decided to celebrate the end of the fight by lighting up a smoke. Fireball ensued.

Monday Monday...

2010-04-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

A little late posting, but what the heck...

Well, we're back on the radio this fine Monday afternoon, fresh off a weekend of camping with the Boy Scouts, and ready to talk about crap like unmanned, runaway excavators trashing someone's house. Fortunately no one was injured...

And speaking of uninjured, remember the Topless Gardener out in Boulder, Colorado? Well, she won her battle with her landlord the Boulder Housing Partners and she and her husband won't be evicted.

In travel news, you'll be happy to hear that the python found in a toilet of a Nebraska hotel room was a lost pet, not some snake that crawled up the sewer from Bolivia or wherever.

Question for you: Have you ever gotten lost in your car, then pulled over to ask for directions from a guy driving a tractor? Yeah, me neither. But this guy in Russia did. Unfortunately for him he was in a plane at the time, and didn't pick the best place to land...

Next up we head back to school. Remember the classic food fight? And how you ended up in detention if you participated? Well, out in New Jersey they don't take too kindly to the throwing of food, so when a food fight breaks out they serve food that "supplies only the basic food requirement". And surprise surprise, a parent is upset about it.

And finally, big war at the box office this weekend! Well, not big big, but still...according to the AP it's too soon to call who won the weekend box office, with How to Train Your Dragon and Kick-Ass duking it out with around $30 million each. Haven't seen the Dragon movie, but Kick-Ass totally does.

What a difference 14 hours makes!

2010-04-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

So I took the Troop camping this weekend in my old stomping grounds of Tolt-MacDonald Park out in Carnation. Back in the day (the day being 1978 to 1985 or so) I went to Tolt-MacDonald roughly every year with my Troop to do our "pre-Camporee" tune-up. My main memories from those trips were the suspension bridge, playing Squad Leader with my friends in the tent late at night (and losing horribly, no doubt), and playing a game affectionately called "Fris-Brawl" that was a mix of Ultimate Frisbee, keep-away, and rugby. No points scored, just attempting to keep the Frisbee away from the other team while they attempted to knock the stuffing out of whoever had it.

Well, this year we were supposed to do a hike to Lizard and Lily Lakes up near Bellingham, but after scouting out the trail (from the west side, anyway) I decided it was definitely too hard to take a bunch of new Scouts on for their first hike. So I reverted to my youth and we went to Tolt-MacDonald. And surprise surprise, things have changed!

For one thing, they've got Yurts on the hillside where we used to camp. There are a couple tent spots there, but I didn't want my 15 Boy Scouts keeping the Yurt people awake (not that it would have been an issue, since we were one of 4 Troops in the Park this weekend). So we instead headed down-river to some isolated spots. This had two advantages: First, we were well away from other campers, so no need to strictly enforce quiet time (or, as the park sign read, "Quite Time"). And second, it required them to carry their crap for a half mile or so. Just long enough to get them complaining, not so far that they rebelled.

The plan (and I use the term loosely) was to practice some skills they'd need for Camporee: knots and lashings, maybe some first aid, some signalling / Morse code, etc. The last one was suggested by our SPL Danny since he'd heard there was going to be a semaphore / Morse Code event at this year's Camporee. I was all for it, and told him to run with the idea. Which was all well and good until yesterday afternoon when he said, and I quote, "Scott, I found a problem with the signalling thing: I don't know Morse Code." D'oh!

Well, they recovered and found some other skills to teach and games to play, and there was always a river to fall in and shoreline to erode, so no one complained too much.

But the fun really began at dinner. And as the afternoon went on and the showers grew more frequent I began to hear some distant rumblings. At first I put them off to jet noise, since they were lasting a long, long time. But as they got closer there was no question it was thunder. Lucky for us, the Troop that had occupied the "group camping" site and it's attendant picnic shelter had left a few hours earlier. And conveniently it was approaching time to cook dinner. So I had the guys move their dinner prep to the shelter.

About 5 minutes after we were settled and cooking the rain began: gently at first, then heavier, then true torrential downpour. And with it came wind - occasionally pretty strong - and some wicked close lightning strikes. I think the closest was within a mile, using the old "one second per mile" rule of thumb. Unfortunately I didn't catch any of the flash-banging on the phone, but I did manage to get Logan and his friends doing the "Rain Go Away" dance (which had no effect on the rain and just made them wetter)...

Eventually the rain stopped, the food was eaten, we made a fire, and the kids had a rousing game of "German Spotlight" (a version of tag played in the dark with flashlights) before collapsing in their tents and (hopefully) changing in to dry clothes and getting some sleep.

So what's this about 14 hours and a difference? Well, when I got up around 7, roughly 14 hours after the thunderstorm, the sun was burning through a thin layer of fog. What had sounded like rain overnight was clearly just the moss on the trees dripping, and it was shaping up to be a gorgeous day. And since the phone battery was pretty much dead and I hadn't packed a real camera, I didn't bother with a picture. But the improved weather did make the packing up and picking up litter portions of the morning that much better!

Hey, what about Friday?

2010-04-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what about Friday...I totally forgot to post the day's radio fun! Why, you ask? Because I was all hopped up to see Kick Ass! And kick ass it did. The only drawback, as I tweeted this afternoon, was that the pizza we'd ordered for lunch (at the wonderful Cinebarre movie theater / restaurant) showed up just as the bad guys were putting another bad guy in an industrial wood-drying microwave. Ewww. Anyhow, good violent fun, and few things are funnier than an 11-year-old girl who swears like a drunken sailor.

So here, better late than never, is the crap I talked about on the radio today:

Dude, here's something that will harsh your buzz as we approach 4/20: a guy burned down his house by sparking up his bong. In his defense, he was cleaning said bong with alcohol when he lit it on fire...ok, that's not really a defense, now, is it?

And speaking of screwing stuff up, here's a tale of an osprey who knocked out power to 6,000 people in Maine by dropping a branch on a power line. Sure, the story says the branch was meant for the osprey's nest, but I'm pretty sure it was just messing with the humans.

Next up is a question for you: is it illegal to take expired beer home from the dump, or is it just a policy violation? Or just in bad taste?

What IS in bad taste, and is also illegal, is filling a bass with lead weights and then submitting it for judging in a tournament. It's also not very nice to the poor bass.

And speaking of things to do with the court, if you were thinking you might file a lawsuit claiming that you were burned by a price scanner gun the State of Pennsylvania would like you to save both their and your time and just skip it.

And finally, from the "WTF" files, I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that there's something called the "American Mustache Institute", or that they're pushing for a tax break for people with mustaches.

Thursday's a good day to get hit upside the head with a snake.

2010-04-15T11:24:00.001-07:00

That's right, I said hit upside the head with a snake. But first, this stuff:

It's the second story in two days from the fine town of Athens, Tennessee! Yesterday we had the guy selling meat door-to-door, and today we've got a DUI on a riding lawn mower. Oh, sorry, not just a DUI, but stolen fishing poles as well.

Elsewhere in Tennessee, some dude got drunk, got on his horse, and rode through the Mule Day crowds and caused quite a ruckus. And the po-lice don't like them no ruckus down 'round there.

From Tennessee we travel farther south to Albany Georgia where we find a guy being arrested twice in one day on the same charge. That's some persistence, that is.

Oh, and speaking of horses (as I was a couple entries ago), this one's really tall. Like world-record tall. NBA star tall. 6' 10 3/4" tall, to be exact (or 20 hands, 2.75 inches in horse terms).

And finally, as promised, here's something new to add to the Scott Chicken "Smacked in the head with something weird" list: a four-foot python.

Hump day hi-jinx

2010-04-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

When you see a headline that reads "Police say meat salesman swallowed marijuana joint" you're intrigued. When you read the story and see that he's a door-to-door meat salesman you're both intrigued and kind of nauseated. Well, I am anyway...

This story has nothing to do with meat, but it does provide a good object lesson on the consequences of speeding, at least for the three students in the car at the time.

Speaking of meat, that's a horrible segue into a story about the whole Catholic Church pedophile-shuffle, but I'm going to use it anyway. The story is about a priest in Massachusetts who is calling for the Pope to resign. Which is pretty mild compared to what some people would like to do with him...

Now, if you think they're throwing mud at the Catholic Church, at least it's figurative mud. Not like the literal mud these people were buried in.

Leaving Catholics alone we turn to the Baptists, who have had all their pipes stolen. And I'm not talking pot pipes, crack pipes, or organ pipes: the copper pipes that carry water. Stolen from under the Church. Which will make it harder for them to baptise people, I'm thinking.

And finally we head instead to Salem, Oregon, home of my in-laws, where teens are now stealing squad cars and passing out in them. Nice work, son!

Today I bring you snakes, knives, and flammable hair!

2010-04-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well, now that the Team CoCo (or is that Team Lo-Co now?) news is a day old we can turn our eyes back to the usual freak show that is the Scott Chicken Radio Fun House! For instance, how's this for getting a snakeskin belt the hard way? Although at 6 feet long I'm thinking maybe he can get a pair of boots out of the deal...

And speaking of efficiency (OK, I wasn't, but I was at a loss for a segue), did you hear about the Reno police officer who nabbed two DUI perps in one vehicle? Seems the old "pull your buddy out of the driver's seat and get behind the wheel" trick only works if no one sees you. And you're not drunk too.

Ever wonder how flamable hair spray is? Not right out of the can, mind you, but on your hair? This chick found out the hard way.

You know, some times couples who hit a rough patch can work things out by talking about their problems. And other times things get ugly and the knives come out. Literally, in this case.

Things rarely get to that point with pets, though, which is good. Otherwise they might not warn us we're going to die in a firey explosion if we don't get up and shut off the gas. Way to go, Schnautzie the kitten!

And finally, I understand that prom dresses and tuxedoes can be expensive, but how much did this couple spend on Wrigley's "5 gum" to make her dress and his vest? OK, probably less than the dress would cost. And it's a pretty cool idea. although that vinyl top coat on the dress is going to be pretty crunchy during the slow dances...

Pole dance classes, trunk-riding kids, and Team CoCo on TBS!

2010-04-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's a fun-filled Scott Chicken show today, I must say! Here's what's on the air this afternoon (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200):

Remember back in the day when no one cared about vehicle safety? Back then my parents had an old VW bug, the kind with the little storage space between the back seat and the firewall to the engine compartment. And I'm pretty sure that they stuck me back there, carefully padded by blankets and whatnot, 'cause I was too little to sit up in the seat and there wasn't room in the back with my sisters. I also remember riding in the "way back" of our Squareback and in several of my friends' station wagons. Well, that stuff don't fly no more. Nor does sticking your kid in the trunk 'cause you've got too many people in the car. And it just leads to trauma when the (alleged) drunk at the wheel runs off the road and crashes. So please, buckle up!

But way more important than kids riding in trunks is the news that Team CoCo is heading to TBS this fall! Conan O'Brien has thumbed his nose at Fox and will now be the lead-in to the George Lopez Show, with Conan running at 11 and Lopez at midnight Monday through Thursday nights.

In other news, if you're a pastor working a late-night shift at the suicide help line, be sure to load up on the coffee, the cola, the RockStar Energy Drink(tm), whatever the hell it is that keeps you from falling asleep when some guy calls in to be talked off the ledge. On the other hand, the guy was so pissed off about the pastor falling asleep on him that he didn't kill himself, so I guess it all worked out in the end...

Turning our attention to college students, while Cambridge University in England may claim the pole-dancing classes they're offering are only there to help relieve stress, I think it's safe to say they're merely offering their students a back-up plan for when they finally graduate and enter the real world.

And we end our day's survey of the news with a guy in Poland who came up with a great scheme to rob businesses: he mailed himself to them. And it all would have worked out great if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! Or for the fight he had with his accomplice, the guy who took him to the courier firms, who tipped off the cops to the scheme.

Sunday morning is full of high-school shenanigans

2010-04-11T02:57:00.000-07:00

A few, anyway...but first on this fine Sunday (which, by the way, is Louie Louie Day), we find ourselves with a headline about the "wrong kind of grass in a mower". By which they mean pot, which is only the wrong kind of grass if you're looking to stay out of prison. At least until it's legalized...

From pot in mowers we head to, where else, Wal*Mart where some nucklehead let his gun go off. Dork.

Speaking of Wal*Mart, I don't believe they sell urine-tainted sodas there, so you'll have to make your own like these cheerleaders in Fort Worth, Texas, did.

And speaking of highschool sports, this story has nothing to do with cheerleaders or pee, but it does have to do with a mid-game marriage proposal between opposing coaches!

Update! Update! Remember the other day when those two women tried to smuggle a dead guy on to a plane? Well, one of them claims the guy was alive when they got to the airport. Which I don't believe was in Weekend at Bernie's, so maybe she's telling the truth.

Saturday Morning Chicken Clucking

2010-04-10T02:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday morning! It's my weekend on, and here's the crap I'll be covering:

Here's a tip for you stoners out there: if you're looking for a good place to stash your weed, don't try your kid's Elmo backpack. Oh, and if you're broke and figure you won't get in trouble for eating your gas station burrito in the store, you're wrong. You will.

You may be wondering why you should read your court documents. Here's a reason: you might avoid spending three extra years in an Indonesian prison! And speaking of prison, if you're going there to serve time for a DUI, try not to drive drunk when you go to check in.

I've heard of dogs chasing the mailman, but this is the first time I've heard of a postal carrier refusing to go to a person's house because of their dangerous cat.

And to end the morning on an animal note, another word of advice: if you're collecting worker's comp from the state, don't start a business selling goats. 'cause the state don't like that and will want their money back.

Friday? Friday!

2010-04-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, no tales of canibalism on today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). Just this crap:

You know that movie 21 about the kids from MIT or Harvard or wherever who head to Vegas to win a mint counting cards? Or that scene in Rain Man where Raymond wins a mint counting cards? Yeah, the casinos don't like it when you do that. But maybe the courts will weigh in and allow it. Doubtful, but maybe...

Whatever you may think about England's Sun newspaper, at least they're smart enough not to publish the script for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that someone left behind in a bar!

I've heard of cats having nine lives, but never a dog. This one, however, has at least three.

No one should be surprised that the guy who just set the world record for playing Asteroids is 41. What is surprising is that the old record stood for 28 years! Now...what's the world record score for Galaga? And where can I find a machine on which to get my fire-button finger back in shape? (If you want to play Asteroids on the web, just head here!

Clearly I need to move to Sweden. Here in the States I'd probably be fired the first time I caused train delays because I was viewing porn sites on the Web.

And finally, just in time for the sun to start shining, your sunscreen will kill you. And it must be true, 'cause it's on the Fox News web site.

Sad news...

2010-04-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

Please head to your medicine cabinet, get some rubbing alcohol, prep your cheek, then jam a safety pin through it in mourning. The great Malcolm McLaren has died.

A disturbingly meat-filled Thursday

2010-04-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

You know, when I found the first story of the day, about the supervisors of San Francisco declaring "Meatless Mondays," I had no idea how far in to the abyss the meat trend would cary me. But from there we moved an inch closer to the world of the movie Repo Men...they're not reposessing organs yet, but one meat dealer has started reposessing steaks off diners' plates! But that was nothing compared to this story of Russian canibalism. And a couple fine young canibals they are, too. Although with that makeup they're probably fans of ICP rather than FYC...

Thank the Danes for turning us away from canibalism and meat and back to the world of beer. Why? Because some workers at the Carlsberg brewery are stopping work to protest no longer being able to drink beer while on break. I don't believe Norm from Cheers was one of them, but I'm sure he's with them in spirit.

And the beer then carried us to Oklahoma. Why? Because when I drink beer I get gassy. And that's right up this flatulence fetishist's alley. What wasn't up his alley was the alleged sexual assault from the guy he met on the Internets. Is it so wrong to want to "just 'fart' and be friends?"

And finally, did you see that movie The Men Who Stare At Goats? I didn't, but it's in the queue...anyhow, it's about people with psychic powers. This guy thought he had such powers, but yet he was unable to successfully crash the Quantas flight he was on using only his mind. Maybe the straps holding him in his chair distracted him...

A crime and vampire-filled Wednesday

2010-04-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

This Wednesday is crime day on the Scott Chicken show. But then, pretty much every day is crime day, 'cause that's what piques my interest...

You know you're a nominee for parent of the year when you're arrested for stealing a vacuum cleaner with your kids along for the ride. Nice work, sir!

Continuing with crime, here's a guy who's watched a few too many movies. Then again, he did get away with the cash...

And speaking of people who watched too many movies, clearly these chicks watched Weekend at Bernie's a few too many times. Why else would they think putting sunglasses on their dead relative would get him on board a plane?

For those already caught and convicted, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, has a great fitness plan for you. You want to watch TV? Get on the bike! This, by the way, is a plan I really should implement in the Chicken Coop...

So say you're going to start counterfeiting currency. What denomination do you start with? Most would say the $20. In Alaska, though, they think smaller. About $19 smaller.

And finally, if you're not into the counterfeit bills or the biking but you are into vampires, head over to the University of Hertfordshire in the UK for the "Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture" conference. Because we need more vampire-themed stuff in this world.

Tuesday's Chicken fun

2010-04-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday and it's time for another awe-inspiring Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "awe-inspiring" I naturally mean "mildly interesting"...here's what's on today:

I know this happened recently, but apparently no one's listening to my warnings. Kids, once again, make sure you know who you're texting about your drug deals or you'll end up in the slammer.

Speaking of kids, while it was nice of Junior to try to take the gar out and fill the tank, the fact that he was 8 and didn't know how to drive is a bit of a problem.

Apparently April Fools Day, while international in its appeal, still catches people off guard. Here in the States some otherwise tech savvy people were taken in by a fake product that would turn your iPad into an arcade game. Over in Jordan it wasn't technology but rather a newspaper story about 10-foot-tall aliens visiting late at night.

So, how was your Easter Egg Hunt? Probably better than this one in Iowa where a couple teenagers found a dead guy...

Maybe you skipped the Easter Egg hunting and went to a movie instead? 'cause a bunch of people did. And here's what they saw.

And finally, I'm always on the lookout for alternative medicine treatments, and for info on treating MS since my sister suffers from it. But her symptoms are pretty mild, so I doubt she'll be lining up for Bee Venom Therapy any time soon.

Post-Easter Salvation

2010-04-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well, in honor of this past Easter weekend here's a story of salvation: A woman in Kentucky says her newborn baby saved her family from a house fire by waking her up with its cries! Way to go, baby!

Oh, by the way, that fire was apparently set by a drunk. And speaking of drunks in Kentucky, here's one who was so wasted he couldn't get out of the bar so he called the cops for help. Granted he'd passed out and the bar was closed, but still...

This guy was drunk too, just not in Kentucky. But he did steal an ambulance in order to leave the hospital, so that's something.

There are a number of reasons to drive a car with a manual transmission: You can red line it and look cool, it's more responsive, they tend to get better gas mileage, and it might save you from a car-jacking.

Having never been an 82-year-old woman, I can't say how important a hair styling is for that demographic. But for one Michigan woman it was important enough to stick around after she plowed her car through the front of the salon...

I rarely say "man, I wish I was in Maine", but I wouldn't have minded being there for Saturday's march for equal-opportunity public toplessness. Because I'm all about equality. And toplessness.

Good Friday's news

2010-04-02T10:49:00.001-07:00

Now that April Fools is over it's time to focus back on real news. Like, oh, a Frito-Lay delivery truck being stolen and causing a "feeding frenzy." Stoner's delight! Or perhaps a tale of a couple dudes returning to the scene of the crime just in time to be identified by witnesses of their robbery attempt. And if that doesn't work for you, how's about a reminder that European DVD players use a different kind of current than their American counterparts. Which is why the plug looks different.

And speaking of different, it's pretty different to climb in the drive-thru window in order to smack a guy at the McDonald's for taking his own sweet time getting you your Fillet o' Fish.

Oh, here's good news if you forget to turn off your cell phone when you go in to court: A Florida appeal court has determined that a ringing phone may be annoying, but it's not contempt of court. I, for one, am resting easier now.

And finally, these two won't have to argue about it doesn't matter that one is the older twin or not since they were born on the same day, 'cause instead of being minutes apart these two are a week apart.

Happy Thursday!

2010-04-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

It's April Fools Day, and on the Scott Chicken show today we're bringing you nothing but true stories that sound like they should be fake. But they're not. Oh, to listen in head to Radio KYA or Super CFL, or open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200.

I'm sure this happened back in the Bush days too, but I'm too lazy to do any research to find out how much it was covered. So suffice it to say the AP is letting us know that a guy in Tennessee rammed a car with an Obama bumper sticker. And speaking of political conflicts, nothing says "I love you, honey" like running against your spouse. Then again, based on the story it looks like things were pretty rocky before he filed as a candidate anyway.

In other news, I've heard of "Dialing for Dollars", and "fishing for compliments", but never "fishing for dollars". Have to give the guy points for creativity, though...Also getting points for creativity is Ohio's Hocking County who are using the old "Y2K Conversion Error" excuse for apparently trying to collect more than once for various traffic tickets.

Turning to the World Records I Didn't Know Existed department we find an Indian businesman who has set a new record for the most beard designs in 4 years. Granted, it's not approved by Guiness, but what the hell, that's still a lot of beards!

And finally, in what is possibly the best headline ever created, the story I posted yesterday, Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail.

Headline of the year

2010-03-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

I can't take credit for it, sad to say. But whoever drafted this one for The Sun deserves a nice bonus.

Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail | The Sun |News

Wednesday's theme: Crime, crime, and more crime!

2010-03-31T12:49:00.001-07:00

On today's midweek Scott Chicken Show we'll head down to Florida to learn how an enterprising deputy used Google Earth to make an arrest. From there it's off to church in Pennsylvania where a guy allegedly attacked a pastor's husband during a Palm Sunday church service. Why? No clue. Maybe he didn't like the sermon or something. We then slide over to the west coast for the sentencing of Yvonne Jean Pampellonne for fraudulently buying fraudulent boobs (a story the AP has delightfully given the file name "odd_breast_bandit.html"). Then it's back over to the state of disaster that is Florida for a spring break-worthy tale of a guy ending up in the slammer for throwing a plastic cup at a cop car. And we end our survey of the day's odd news in Ohio with an escape attempt straight out of a bad movie, in which the perp fled the police, abandoned his car, jumped a fence, and ended up in a prison yard.

Streaking? Bomb scares? Sounds like a Tuesday to me!

2010-03-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday! Here's what's cookin' in the Scott Chicken radio stewpot:

Remember the '70s when people ran around nekkid for no good reason? This guy is too young to remember that, but clearly he's a fan.

Did ya go see a movie over the weekend? If so, you certainly didn't see Motherhood with Uma Thurman, Minnie Driver and Jodie Foster in it's opening weekend in the UK. Or were you one of the 11 people who bothered to go?

Jeez, as if we didn't have enough to worry about from China with the lead paint and whatnot, now we have to worry about disgruntled employees poisoning frozen dumplings!

Ah, nothing is more relaxing than a nice Carribbean cruise. And nothing harshes that buzz like a crazy drunk making a false bomb threat on your cruise ship.

Who saw this coming? That guy with the flame thrower on his scooter has been arrested!

If you're planning on heading to Rio for the 2016 Olympics you might get to see a 345-foot-tall man-made solar-powered waterfall! Why? Why not?

Monday's Chicken Cluckin'

2010-03-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

On this fine Monday afternoon we're kicking the show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) off with a review of the weekend box office returns. The animated dragon kicked the Hot Tub Time Machine's ass. I didn't see either, but did finally check out Fantastic Mr. Fox, and saw Zombieland for a second time, so that's worth something...

After that it's off to Needham Massachusetts, where a middle school student is up on charges. What charges? Well, turns out he brought a pocket knife to school.

From there we go to a cautionary tale of a man attempting to get revenge on his ex-girlfriend. A word to the wise: Before you drop a deuce in your girlfriend's car, make sure it's actually her car.

From that tale of domestic bliss we head down to the state of disaster that is Florida where a guy tried to give his daughter a time out. So she chucked a toy gun at him and cut his head. And then somehow she ended up being arrested and charged with domestic battery. Unfortunately the story doesn't explain who called the cops...

We then head to the world of fast food. I've never eaten at a Chick-fil-A. Apparently it's worth fighting over.

And our final stop today is in the drunk tank. I suppose this woman deserves some credit for calling the cops on herself when she was driving drunk, but couldn't she have saved them some effort by calling a cab instead?

Sunday Morning yakin'

2010-03-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning already? Well, good thing I've got plenty to talk about on the ol' radio!

The problem with this story is that it doesn't explain how the guy thought the duct tape on his shoes would conceal the robbery. And that's info we all need.

Hmmm...not sure a snake massage is exactly the kind of relaxation I'm looking for.

Oh those wacky Germans and their need to reserve every chez lounge by the pool...finally some enterprising criminal is taking advantage of their zeal!

So you think letting prisoners watch cable TV and movies is being soft on crime? At least we're not the Dutch, who are bringing psychics to prison to let inmates get in touch with their dead relatives!

The Vegetarians are getting more active. Well, one particular vegetarian. And by "active" I really mean "crazy".

Now I've never been carjacked, but I think if I were I'd feel better if the guy were polite about it. Not much better, but maybe a little...

Counting the days to April 16...

2010-03-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Sure, the taxes will be done. But this is WAY more important. And WAY NSFW, unless you work somewhere that doesn't mind violence and swearing...

Goooooood morning Indy Radio!

2010-03-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

What's the good stand for? Good God it's early! This morning calls for drastic measures on the ol' Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "drastic measures" I mean recording the show the night before. 'cause ain't no way I'm getting up at 2:30 to do it! Here's what will be on the air this morning:

Update on that dog that ate the car the other week: He's a bad dog and has been sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes. But no prison time, so that's good...

It's time again for one of my favorite awards of the year, the Diagram Prize for the year's oddest book title! And while not as colorful as past winners "Bombproof Your Horse" and "Living With Crazy Buttocks," it's still pretty cool: Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes!"

Speaking of animals (but not crochet or math), I guess this guy deserves points for trying, right? I mean, he didn't just scoop the 'possum up and take it home for dinner...

So how much change do you suppose is in a parking meter? Enough to make it worth your time to cut it off the pole?

It's a down economy, so people are going to try all kinds of things to start their own business and make money. But lest you think running an underage strip club out of your mobile home is a good idea, please understand that it ain't.

And finally, if you're worried that the family of the guy you killed might come and return the favor once you're released from jail, if you try to break back in to jail the State will keep you safe for 15 more years.

The end of the week means crashed cars and stupid criminals!

2010-03-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

On today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) I won't be talking about the awesome Natalie Portman rap song I found on line yesterday, nor the craptastic In the Name of the King Dungeon Siege movie I watched last night. But I will cover this crap:

Ever crash a car on a test drive? Yeah, me neither. But if I had it sure wouldn't cost my insurance company £300,000. And not just because I live in the US where we don't use pounds as money...

Hey, wasn't e-mail supposed to cut down how much paper we used and save us a bunch of money? Apparently it's not working so well. Otherwise we wouldn't have a story about a Wisconsin college cutting costs by changing the default e-mail font. The new font apparently uses 30% less ink to print. Which is still 70% more than not printing, but I guess it's a start...

Good to know that even today's jaded teens occasionally worry about someone telling Mom about their crimes and misdemeanors.

I would have thought this would be obvious, but apparently it's not: tossing your baby in to your SUV will not stop the repo men from taking the car. It'll just land your ass in jail for child endangerment. And get you on the Scott Chicken show. So really it's a win-win.

What is the world coming to? Do we really want to live in a society where kids can't have a jungle gym jail on their playground?

Today's criminal mastermind: The double-ear ring wearing Mr. White, who asking a cop for directions shortly after robbing a store. Apparently the police use something called a "radio" to communicate "descriptions" of their "perps". Who knew?

Possibly the worst move I've ever seen

2010-03-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

And that's saying something, 'cause I've seen some doozies. But I'm fairly certain In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale is it. Why, you ask?

First, there's the premise. I've played Dungeon Siege in all its variations (well, I think I've actually only played DS 1, the "Aranna" expansion pack (now available together in this convenient two-pack, and DS 2. Missed the DS 2 "Broken World Expansion Pack" and any other versions that weren't on the PC). It's a fine game: you're a farmer or something, some weird monsters called the Krug attack, and you go on a rampage linear adventure until you've become the most badass of bad asses in the land. As I recall (and I haven't played the game in a few years) there's no king. Just lots and lots of killing and making allies with various other characters. But let's face it, it ain't a movie waiting to happen.

That said, I can see how someone might think this was a good idea: pre-existing market, pre-developed monster characters, a relatively known universe, and Jason Statham as the farmer. Throw a few other big-name actors and people will go see it, right? Sure!

Well, it didn't quite work out that way thanks to the insanely horrible script. They got Statham, and they lined up some other stars (Ray Liota as the evil wizard, Burt Reynolds as the king, Ron Perlman as our hero's friend and guardian, John Rhys-Davies as the good wizard, and the lovely Leelee Sobieski as the good wizard's daughter who is duped by the evil Ray Liota), but how they did with that script I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that director Uwe Boll must have had dirt on them all. Or offered them a shitton of money. Because Jesus God that's some bad writing. Bad to the point that 12-year-old Logan Chicken was amazed at its badness.

Admittedly I watched it on SciFi (yes, I am blatantly ignoring their re-spelling of the word), so maybe they edited out some good dialog or plot points, but I'm doubtful. Because even if there were three or four minutes of decent script cut out it won't make up for lines like "Those who you fight, we will help you fight them." In fact, I think the best line in the movie was from King Burt who said, in response to something said by Good Wizard Rhys-Davies, "What the hell does that mean?" And I'm pretty sure that was ad-libbed.

In the movie's favor, the action scenes were OK. Not great, but OK. And hey, it won an award or two! At least according to IMDB, anyway, taking the illustrious Special Award at the 2007 Hessian Film Awards for Wolfgang Herold's sound supervision. More importantly it won the 2009 Razzie for Worst Director for Mr. Boll, but amazingly didn't win worst picture or worst screenplay (losing out to The Love Guru in both categories).

So why did I watch this piece of garbage? Well, because I'd played the game, because I like Statham's work, because it was on TV, and because I was stunned by how bad it was and just couldn't look away.

Everything's back to normal...

2010-03-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well, after yesterday's all-day marathon show it's nice to get back to a mere six personality spots on the ol' Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And we're going to get things rolling with a nutjob on Bainbridge Island (OK, maybe he's not a nutjob...for all I know there really are werewolves and C.H.U.D.s roaming the streets of Winslow) armed with a sword and throwing knives.

From there we head east to Connecticut, where a couple of guys thought they'd make it easy on the bank and call ahead to request an amount of money be ready for them to steal. Not surprisingly, the plan went exactly as you'd think.

You've no doubt heard about how strong ants are, right? How if a human were as strong proportionately as an ant he or she would be able to lift a car or whatever? Well, ants are pencilnecks compared to the mighty horned dung beetle.

I've never been fired, but I have fired a couple people. Never by Facebook message, though. Then again, there was no Facebook in the '90s...

Tired of people cutting you off while you drive your moped around? Well, just do what this guy did and attach a flame thrower to the thing!

And to end things on a downer note, the great Robert Culp has died. Bummer.

Wednesday it's all Scott Chicken, all day!

2010-03-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

So Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) morning guy Chico had to get out of town in a hurry last night (something about a bookie, a horse named "BlackSox", and a safety deposit box in Ellensburgh), so tomorrow's Scott Chicken Show will run all damn day. But don't worry, that means we've doubled the content to keep you entertained!

In the morning (3 AM to noon or so) I'll be talking about, well, Chico being chased out of town for a day. I'll also mention that today is "Try to remember if you know how to play Parchesi" day. I do, and I'll tell you why. I've also got some fascinating tidbits of "on this day" trivia, because I'm lazy and that crap's easy to find.

But don't worry, there's real nonsense news as well. For instance, did you know that a gaming site called GameCrush.com launched yesterday, and that for a mere $8.25 you can play chat-enabled video games with a real live girl?

Now, I'm sure you know that drunk driving is bad. But you may not have thought about how much worse than drunk driving is drunk driving with a bag full of drugs and cash under your seat. That is, unless you find jail time a good thing, in which case none of that is bad!

On the good side of the scale we find a school in Bellingham that's planning to take today off if it's sunny. Why? Well, because they didn't take any snow days this year and can afford to dump a day. And because dude, they're in Bellingham. And it's sunny!

As for the afternoon, well, it's mostly dominated by stories of food crime:

So I know Jersey Shore is over for the season, but that doesn't stop the news out of New Jersey. Especially not when that news involves breaking, entering and cooking.

FYI, the city of Anchorage doesn't take kindly to attempted pizza theft. So much so they bring out the SWAT team.

In yet another food-related crime (not an intentional theme, but just the way things played out today), the Colorado baby formula ring has been broken up, so Coloradans will have to pay retail again.

And hey, let's go for four in a row! Somebody dumped a certified assload of Panera bread next to a river in Muncie, Indiana. The ducks win, the charities that are supposed to get it lose. I'm hoping the cops are taking a close look at the ducks...

OK, enough with the food. You know, some times you want to talk to your lady but she just won't shut the hell up. So you go and bind her hands and gag her with duct tape so she has to listen to you. Is that so wrong? Well, yes. Yes it is.

And finally, why couldn't some angered senior citizen investors have kidnapped Bernie Madhoff? That would have made everyone's day!

It's Tuesday? Must be time for my chilli grenade!

2010-03-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

This Tuesday's Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is filled with things that have little or nothing to do with health care reform. Well, at least not directly...

Ever eat something so spicy that your eyes water and you can't see? Ever accidentally (or on purpose, if that's your thing) inhale chili powder, or get some in your eyes? OK, take that and multiply it by a bunch, then put it in a hand grenade. Why? Because you're a military expert in India and you can, that's why!

Maybe the chili grenade is why this guy was hanging out in a bar wearing a hospital gown. Or maybe it was because he knew he was going to jail and wanted a beer.

OK, I'm not a big fan of pit bulls, but this one did it's job mighty well!

They say there's no such thing as bad press. So you'd think the Tiger Woods people would be OK with a Tiger blow-up doll. Maybe they're just ticked that they're not getting royalties...

The other week it was a guy fixing buildings and walls with Legos, this week it's a guy opening his first exhibition of Lego sculpture. Clearly I didn't apply myself enough in my youth!

You've seen all the Google Street View stunts, with people marching along beside the cars and holding up signs and whatnot. But the floating pliers over Cradley Heath in England are more mundane: a guy fixing the camera. Sigh.

Spring has sprung!

2010-03-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Monday and time for the first Scott Chicken show of the spring on the ol' Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)! Here's what we've got cookin':

Ever have the police come knocking on your door looking for someone who doesn't live there? OK, multiply that by 50 times and you have these people's last 8 years.

OK, once again, if the Police are already looking for you for, say, an outstanding warrant, don't go do something stupid like lighting a match on an airplane.

Once in a while you just can't get to the library in time to return that book. Usually you get it back a few days late and pay 35 cents or whatever. And some times you forget about it for longer. Like, oh, 45 years.

Some people just don't understand the neighborhood benefits of a woman gardening wearing only a yellow thong and pink gloves.

I've always said peanut butter is dangerous. But I was talking about allergies, not getting one's head stuck in the jar. good thing I'm both allergic (and so not tempted) and not a skunk (and so unable to fit my head in the jar should I want to).

And in case you didn't spend all weekend tied up with the NCAA basketball tournament or the Paralympic sleigh hockey final, maybe you saw one of these movies.

A sunny Friday at Indy Radio

2010-03-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, the sun is out, so take your radio or portable Internet listening device (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) along and hear me yammer on about these things in between songs from days of yore:

Today's criminal tip: When you break in to a store, don't use their computer to surf your MySpace page and look at porn.

Here's proof that some things are worth more than money: Remember that lady who wouldn't sell her house in Ballard, so they built a building around it? This guy would have gotten along with her quite well, thank you very much.

I thought the phrase was "trouser snake", not "bra snake"...

So say you're gay but still closeted, so you go to a brothel to hook up. Naturally you'd be careful going in and out in case anyone saw you, right? Well, that's all well and good until the place goes up in flames and leaves you naked on a balcony awaiting rescue...

Boomers everywhere are in tears: Fess Parker is dead. Who he, you ask? The guy who played Daniel Boone and made those coonskin caps popular back in the mid 50s. Kind of their generation's Fonzie or something.

You know that "picture in picture" window in the On Demand menu? The one that promotes other shows you could view that might cost you money? Yeah, I don't think they intended it to be used to show porn while you're browsing shows in the Preschool Kids On Demand section.

Thursday? Already?

2010-03-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Yes it is! And on today's mighty Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we'll learn that, even if you're drunk and cold, it's not OK to break in to someone's house and jump in bed with them. Seriously. Not OK.

Also not OK, no matter how drunk you are (or how much you want to win the fight), is biting a guy's ear. Yes, Iron Mike, I'm looking at you...

Continuing our list, while it's OK to be angry at someone for not loaning you their car keys to go on a beer run, it's not OK to go nuts and bust up the joint. Especially if you're drunk and probably shouldn't be driving anyway.

You know those spike strips the cops use to stop cars they're chasing? Yeah, well, they work pretty well. Even when they just fall out of the cop car on accident. Oops!

And speaking of oops, be sure to check that you're sending your text about illegal drugs to the right person. The wrong person, by the way, is a DEA agent.

And finally, remember the "cussing jogger?" Yeah, me neither. Well, I kind of remember...in any case, he's got a lawyer now so he can continue harrassing people

Fun with planes!

2010-03-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

Other than the gratuitous Top Gun clip this is pretty cool...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2010-03-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's Saint Patrick's Day, and the Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is going green! First up, we're going to recycle some dinosaur dung to make a nice watch. Then we're going to increase our efficiency by making two DUI arrests in one traffic stop with the Alaska State Troopers. And speaking of green, we head next to Green Bay where people are stealing the nice green street signs for Mullet Place.

Green means natural, right? Well, I think this one is stretching it a bit...I mean, sure, Viagara isn't exactly natural, but neither is forcing your wife to have sex with 50 dudes. Well, not natural for most of us.

We continue recycling things with a guy making the worlds largest house of cards, which isn't so much a house as a replica of a casino that's 30 X 9 and used 218,792 cards.

And finally, we're green with envy that we don't have a German bullet from World War 2 stuck in our hip. OK, that's a lie, but it's still a good story...

Tuesday's radio has learned to tie it's boot lace.

2010-03-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

Tuesday already? Then I must be talking about this crap on the mighty Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)!

New Hampshire has apparently solved all their problems, 'cause the legislature is now voting on whether the state drink should be milk or cider.

Clearly that time capsule wasn't as secure as they'd thought...

A town in Arizona is missing a 25-year-old bottle of brandy. When officials in Somerton opened a time capsule Saturday, they discovered mementos from 1985 - but didn't find a bottle of Mexican brandy that was supposed to be in the capsule.

The key steps when you set out to boobytrap your car to avoid it being stolen are a) setting the trap, and 2) successfully dismantling the trap. Otherwise you end up like this guy.

"When questioned about the incident, (the man) stated that he had set a booby trap as an anti-theft device by placing his loaded .38 caliber Smith and Wesson revolver with the hammer in the cocked position under his steering wheel," Gang Unit Detective Rob Thomas wrote in a police document.

"When he returned to his vehicle after jogging in the park he attempted to disarm his booby trap, accidentally set off the gun and shot himself in the leg."

What's the big deal? It's not like the dead people are going to use the syrup...

Maple syrup producers are under fire for tapping maple trees in Central Massachusetts cemeteries. The Worcester Telegram reports Monday that at least two cemeteries in Lancaster and one in Petersham have sap buckets on trees that stand along side rows of tombstones.

There are plenty of weapons available to the innovative bathroom-fighter. The lid of the toilet tank, for instance. And based on the picture, she's pretty damn proud that she thought of it!

According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger.

OK, we've all heard about the Kea, New Zealand's car-eating parrot thing. But here in the States we've got car-eating dogs.

Officer Clayton Holmes had been checking traffic speeds with radar and stopped to fill out a report when he felt his car shaking. He found a bulldog chewing on the tires. After the dog attacked two passing cars and a second police car, officers used pepper spray and a Taser on it, but the animal wasn't deterred.

By the time McCamey Animal Center staffers captured that dog and two others, it had chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off Holmes' patrol car.

Monday's news

2010-03-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

On Monday's mighty Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) it's all about the boobies. Well, the first story anyway...

In Lynnwood if you heard that a woman had $26,000 in her bra you'd assume she'd had an expensive round of plastic surgery. In Spokane she's just a thief.

A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies say a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft.

Guy sells his blood to be able to afford his Packers season tickets. Then it turns out that had he not donated all that blood he might have died from a blood disease. Naturally, the team is sending him to the Packers hall of fame!

To afford his season tickets without taking money from his family, he began selling his blood for $15 per pint. His doctor later found that Becker's father died at age 43 of a condition in which the blood retains too much iron. The only treatment is to remove the iron by giving blood. By that time Becker had sold 145 pints to pay for his season tickets. He said if he hadn't, he too may have died young.

Insert inappropriate Airplane or Mission Impossible reference here. The great Peter Graves is gone.

Actor Peter Graves, best known for his starring role on TV's "Mission: Impossible," died Sunday. He was 83. While the cause of the actor's death was not immediately known, he apparently suffered a heart attack, his publicist said.

In a bow to the old Dead Milkmen song Stuart, Kennewick is installing artificial burrows for burrowing owls.

From the article:Volunteers and biologists with the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife and U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service have been installing artificial burrows to encourage the small owls to nest. The burrows are made of plastic barrels, pipe and a bucket.

From the song:
Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there's
the Wurster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, "What are
you looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl."
I say, "Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you
think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?"

In non-music news, people love that 3D Johnny Depp!

Alice is still ruling the movie palace. Johnny Depp and Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" easily remained the No. 1 weekend draw with $62 million, according to studio estimates Sunday. The Disney fantasy has climbed to a $208.6 million total domestically, becoming the first $200 million hit released this year.

Ok, remind me not to stand behind Mrs. Chicken when she's backing up, just on the off chance she's really trying to bump me off.

Sandy Telford ran over her husband, Terry, as she backed down the driveway of their rural property in the Hawke's Bay region, 350 kilometers (220 miles) north-east of Wellington, the Dominion Post newspaper reported.

Sunday marks the first Scott Chicken show of Daylight Saving time 2010!

2010-03-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

Not that it's anything momentous...although thanks to the time change I'm getting an hour less sleep than usual. In any case, I'm going to talk about this crap on the radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) this morning:

Back in 1993, 2 days before I married Mrs. Chicken, we went to dinner with the wedding party at the Red Robbin on Seattle's waterfront. I parked under the always lovely Alaska Way Viaduct. And some jackass broke in to my car (an easily-broken-into 1970 VW Microbus) and stole several wedding presents and my tux. So I can feel her pain, even though the cops never found the tux or presents.

Delaware state police said someone broke into a car and stole a bridesmaid's dress just hours before a wedding on Friday at a shopping center in Pike Creek.

OK, losing a dress or a tux is bad. But what about a dead body?

A police tow truck removed a minivan parked outside a New York City funeral home, giving its dearly departed passenger an unexpected side trip. NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said there was "nothing to indicate it was more than just an illegally parked car." Redden's Funeral Home director Paul DeNigris said a windshield placard had fallen flat. The van's tinted windows helped obscure the white cardboard box that held the remains.

Further proof that people of all ages enjoy getting stoned, even in the back of police cars.

Police said they observed Switzer (age 77) making an illegal left turn on Jan. 31 and arrested him for driving with a revoked license. They say that while Switzer was in the back of the squad car, he reached into a coat pocket, pulled out a plastic tube containing marijuana and swallowed most of the contents. They said he also dropped the tube and a glass marijuana pipe on the floor of the car.

I suppose we should be grateful that the guys making these bills aren't very good at it...

The counterfeit money was made by bleaching $5 bills and printing $100 on the bleached paper. A weak image of Abraham Lincoln can been seen on a fake $100 that covered only half the sheet. A $100 bill had Ben Franklin on both sides.

Saturday Morning Chicken Feed

2010-03-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday morning...what better way to spend it than with some music and me talking about this crap? Talking where, you ask? Why, on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200!

I always thought the whole "nurse gives you a happy ending to the sponge bath" thing was just a cheap bit in pr0n. Apparently not so in Holland.

The young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification, the union said. When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care.

And speaking of romance, maybe the whole "climb up to the balcony" thing isn't such a good idea after all...

A German woman, fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment, called police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight, police said Thursday. Police discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend, but then arrested him on an outstanding warrant.

A ban on salt? Really, New York? So all your other problems solved?

the proposals..could see restaurants fined $1,000 for each offence, reports Sky News.

I've got some Legos...wonder if there's any money in this?

"My work draws attention to the smallest parts of our cities that are falling apart because of the brightness of the Lego," said Jan Vormann, a Berlin-based installation artist.

"It draws people's attention through the coloured blocks and makes them aware that this wall or statue or construction is not complete anymore, for whatever reason."

Well, here's a way to get out of being sentenced for your DUI conviction: show up wasted to the hearing! Sure, it'll get you more time overall, but not that day!

Authorities said a 30-year-old-man showed up so drunk for his sentencing for drunken driving that he missed his hearing and now faces even more time behind bars.

And finally, this lady is waaaaaay tougher than me!

A 91-year-old New York pharmacy cashier refused medical attention and went back to work after a thief punched her. Florence Critelli grabbed the man's hand and screamed when he reached over and grabbed cash from her cash register at the Rite Aid in East Northport on Long Island. He punched her in the chest, knocking her down, before fleeing. "He hit me good," Critelli said.

But she refused to leave work early. She said she didn't want to just "sit there and be bored."

Friday's radio excellence

2010-03-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

On today's very special Friday edition of the Scott Chicken Show (on Radio KYA and Super CFL, streaming at http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290 and http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 respectively) I will relate the following fascinating bits of news (OK, maybe fascinating is going too far...):

You know, some times you need a place of peace and quiet to view your pr0n. But doing it in church seems a bit, well, wrong. Or maybe hot. If that's what you're in to.

Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night...Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested.

I've heard about toad licking, but this is the first I've heard of snail sucking. Glad I'm not in THAT cult!

Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them...The man said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. Followers said they got violently ill, losing weight and developing strange lumps in their stomachs.

They say practice makes perfect. Apparently for this guy all the drunk driving practice has yet to make him perfect.

Kingsport Police have filed a 10th DUI charge against a driver who was going about 20 miles per hour on Interstate 26 and weaving. The Kingsport Times -News reported that the 57-year-old man told the officer on Tuesday, "I'm drunk. Do what you gotta do."

This is why I always go along on the test drive when I'm selling a car: Man copies key on test drive, steals truck

Police believe the man stopped during the test drive to have a copy made of the truck's key. He returned the truck to the lot, but police believe he stole it overnight using the duplicate key.

Now you vegans can have self-righteous and annoying garbage cans to go with your Prius and hemp clothing!

The animal rights group PETA is offering to help the cash-strapped city of Colorado Springs by paying to put trash cans back in parks - on one condition. The cans have to carry an anti-meat slogan and a picture of a woman in a lettuce bikini.
For the record, I'm all for the lettuce bikini picture...maybe I can scratch off the slogan. Oh, wait, I'm not in Colorado Springs. Never mind.

Here's #2 for the week (unless I missed someone other than Haim). Sigh.

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- Hall of Fame football player and actor Merlin Olsen, a giant man who friends say had an even larger heart, died Thursday after a long battle with cancer, football and university officials said. He was 69.

Thursday's radio blather

2010-03-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today on the ol' Scott Chicken programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we find the following:

There's something fishy here...Pet shop owner claims fish is 43, weighs 20 pounds

A New York City pet shop owner says it's true: Buttkiss, the black pacu he owns, is 43 and weighs 20 pounds. A pacu is a breed that's related to the piranha. Steve Gruebel owns Cameo Pet Shop in Queens. He got Buttkiss in 1967 when he was just a wee thing. He sold him a year later when Buttkiss was two inches long. But in 1970, Buttkiss was returned when he outgrew the buyer's tank.

Today on "I didn't know I was pregnant"...Woman delivers surprise baby, picks up other son

A 32-year-old Kentucky woman who said she didn't know that she was pregnant delivered her newborn son on the floor of her laundry room by herself and even cut the umbilical cord. Kelly Bottom told The Advocate-Messenger that she also picked up her other son from school and stopped in at the baby's grandmother's house to show her the infant before going to the hospital Thursday.

Mrs. Chicken is a knitter, but I don't think she'd do anything this extreme...

An unknown person dubbed The Midnight Knitter by West Cape May residents is covering tree branches and lamp poles with little sweaters under cover of darkness.

You know, you'd think the take would be bigger if you robbed 11 people you would get more than $6

Authorities in Riverside County say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6.

OK, we can all agree that drunk driving is bad, and that a designated driver is good, but maybe you should find one who can legally drive!. Like maybe the 17-year-old.

A 37-year-old woman was accused of putting her 14-year-old behind the wheel because she was too drunk to drive. The woman was arrested Saturday after Washington County Sheriff's deputies stopped a vehicle on U.S. Highway 75 because of erratic driving. Deputies found the woman's 14-year-old son in the driver's seat and two other minors - ages 14 and 17 - in the car.

I've heard of birds and squirrels causing power outages, but never a

So long, Seneca! And other stories I deemed air-worthy

2010-03-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

On today's show I will bring to the mighty Indy Radio airwaves (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) the following stories:

So long, Seneca! The Seahawks have traded their backup QB to the Cleveland Browns.

"This will give Seneca a chance for a fresh start," said new Seahawks general manager John Schneider. "The Browns front office's familiarity with his abilities will give him an opportunity to compete for playing time. We wish him nothing but the best."

Now here's a headline you don't see every day! Police hunt for Teddy Roosevelt walrus tusk thief. For the record, it's a tusk stolen from Teddy's house on Long Island. The story is in no way implying that Preident Roosevelt was actually a walrus. Although with that mustache you can't be too certain...

It's clearly a down economy when the human soul goes for under $1,000 US...

The "ghosts" were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch (New Zealand). She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says "dulls the spirits' energy."

A couple days ago it was breast milk assault. Today it's breast milk cheese.

Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'"

Reposessing the home was one thing, but when they came after her bird the gloves came off.

Forty-six-year-old Angela Iannelli sued Bank of America in Allegheny County on Monday. She claims her mortgage payments were on time when the contractor damaged furniture, took her pet parrot and padlocked the door to her Allison Park home in October.

I, like others, always assumed Feldman would be first.

Corey Haim, a 1980s teen heartthrob whose career was blighted by drug abuse, has died. He was 38. Haim died early Wednesday at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Los Angeles County coroner's Lt. Cheryl MacWillie said.

Tuesday's audio blather

2010-03-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

On today's Scott Chicken radio programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will be discussing the following (and by "discussing" I mean I'll read the story, you either giggle along or shut off your radio/internet connection in dusgust):

First note to self: if I'm going on a theft spree my first item should be a car so I don't have to use cabs as getaway vehicles.

...the woman was arrested Friday after police were called to a Fred Meyer store on a report of a woman walking out without paying for a TV and trying to leave in a cab. Court records said the woman was arrested late last year for going into a Sam's Club on two occasions and allegedly stealing $6,000 worth of televisions, then loading them into a taxi.

Second note to self: Remember that all the detective stories talk about people returning to the scene of the crime? There's a reason to avoid doing that.

A Winter Haven, Florida, man was arrested after authorities said he took a winning scratch-off ticket back to the store he had stolen it from a day earlier...When the man went back to the store on Monday to claim the money, a clerk who was aware of the theft asked the man for his driver's license and wrote down the information. The clerk called the authorities, and deputies went to arrest the man.

Third note to self: If I find out I'm going to be on one of the "Most Wanted" TV shows, don't brag about it at a party.

Sean Kelley, 22, was found at a Magnolia party Friday night. A member of the Pacific Northwest Fugitive Task Force handling the case told KCPQ/13 Kelley was bragging about being a celebrity and that he was going to be on TV.

I'm not sure which part of this story is more wrong. That there's a guy who has parked in the same spot at a McDonalds every morning for the last 16 years, or that someone wanted to fight him over it. It doesn't help that the guys are 52 (alleged assaulter) and 85 (guy with the favorite spot).

Danger! Danger! Cleaning products wired to explode!

A suspicious device that forced employees out of a Redmond Safeway store overnight turned out to be a bottle of cleaning product with wires taped to the outside...Officials said the bottle contained the cleaning product Scrubbing Bubbles.

Finally I can get to the local tavern for a quick beer and sammich between the front and back 9 without having to get in my car or, God forbid, walk. Why? Because the Washington Legislature just OK'd a bill to let golf carts on roads!

Drivers would have to be at least 16 years old and must follow the same road rules as those driving regular vehicles. Carts that are operated in golf cart zones must have reflectors, rearview mirrors, and seatbelts. A person with a revoked license would not be allowed to drive a golf cart on a public road in a golf cart zone.

Because handsome comes from the withinside.

2010-03-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

Monday's post-Oscar, post-Razzie radio delights

2010-03-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

On today's mighty Scott Chicken Post-Oscar Radio Programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will cover these fascinating stories:

Hey, there was some awards show or something yesterday...here's who won what.

In addition to the awards, some people went to see some movies in actual movie theaters! Here's how much money they spent on the latest 3D wonder from Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter's freakishly large head.

Oh, and since the Oscars were yesterday, the winners (if you want to call them that) of the Razzies were announced on Saturday! To quote the lovely Sandra Bullock (winner of Worst Actress for her role in All About Steve:

"I'm more comfortable with criticism than I am with goodwill, because I'm more familiar with it, and I've made friends with it," she told Entertainment Weekly. "And the Razzies are a great honor."

For the record, I don't condone breast milk assaults. But I have to wonder if a male jailer would have pressed charges...Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer

...as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her. The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at $10,000.

This is why I don't let anyone look at my phone. Oh, and don't have any psycho exes...Woman allegedly stabs ex after looking at phone

According to police, Shaw and her 29-year-old ex-husband were at her home late Thursday when she became upset after looking through his cell phone's call history. Detectives said Shaw pulled out a knife and started swinging at her ex-spouse, striking him at least three times. Authorities said his injuries were not life-threatening.

OK, I can understand camping out for something super cool, like, oh, concert tickets or something, but soft-serve ice cream? Really? Granny camps out 43 hours for grandson's ice cream

Michelle Cuestas of Green Bay used two vacation days and camped out for 43 hours to make sure her grandson would be first in line for the 2010 opening of a Stevens Point ice-cream landmark. Belts' Soft Serve opened for the year Friday at 11 a.m. Thanks to grandma, 6-year-old Brayden Banks placed the first order.

Sunday's Chicken Radio Fun House Hour of Mystery

2010-03-07T02:58:00.000-08:00

On this morning's Scott Chicken Radio Fun House (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will relay the following hopefully entertaining stories:

#47 on the list of reasons I'm glad I'm not a cop: Police say cook put body hair in cop's sandwich

The Courier-Post of Cherry Hill reports police asked them not to report the incident for fear of copycat crimes. The paper published the story anyway.
And so did the AP, and now so am I. But don't get any ideas, people!

Who says the mortuary business has to be drab and sad? Mass. mortuary hopes chili cook-off brings 'life'

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying "bring life" to business with a chili cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries...Among other other events sponsored by the funeral home are an art walk, a visit by the Easter Bunny, and monthly birthday cakes to the Pittsfield Senior Center.

If you're going to steal a getaway car, make sure it goes over 30. SC cop stops go-cart, arrests man on drug charges

...The deputy had heard a report of a stolen go-cart and turned on his lights and siren after spotting it less than a half mile from Sweezy's home. Sweezy is charged with resisting arrest, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and public drunkenness.

Click and Clack of Car Talk fame always say "things get pretty interesting when a wheel comes off." I don't think this was the wheel they meant (although the result was the same): Man OK after steering wheel pops off while driving

... the 59-year-old man was driving his 1978 Buick on Thursday afternoon on State Route 530 when his steering wheel came off, the car left the road, went down an embankment, up the other side, and crashed into a barn. The man narrowly missed a power pole and several small barns with baby cows inside.

The wife just got off of Jury Duty...I'll have to ask her if she remembers taking the oath, otherwise the guy they convicted might just be off the hook! No oath, no conviction, Mich. court says

A Michigan man sent to prison for 15 years is getting a new trial after the judge failed to do a routine procedure - ask the jury to take an oath...Assistant prosecutor David King says his office might appeal to the Michigan Supreme Court. He says Becktel's trial attorney never objected to the lack of a jury oath.

I've heard the term "Banana Hammock", but this is rediculous: Aussie underwear has gone bananas (the product page comes complete with video featuring hunky men carrying around bananas)

Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27 percent banana fiber, 64 percent cotton and 9 percent lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday..."Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell like a banana.

Saturday's Chicken Radio Fiesta

2010-03-06T02:59:00.000-08:00

It's my weekend to be the mighty morning host on the ol' Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). Here's what's coming up this morning:

Hypocrite of the week, candidate 1: A 45-year-old woman, charged with ending a domestic dispute by killing her 26-year-old husband of five days, is a registered lobbyist for a group fighting domestic violence.

Officials said Bridges claimed she was unemployed. But records show she is a lobbyist for an organization called the National Declaration for Domestic Violence Order; its Web site says the group is pushing legislation to create a database of those convicted of sex crimes or domestic abuse.

Well, my wife meets two of the three criteria, so maybe we're not doomed after all: Scientists find mathematical formula for the perfect wife

A bride should be five years younger than her groom, should come from the same cultural background, and be the more intelligent of the pair if couples are to have a successful marriage, scientists have announced.

Hypocrite of the week, candidate 2: Anti-Gay State Sen. Got DUI After Leaving Gay Nightclub, Sources Say.

Early Wednesday morning, State Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Sources report that Ashburn -- a fierce opponent of gay rights -- was driving drunk after leaving a gay nightclub; when the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, there was an unidentified man in the passenger seat of the car.

But wait...that's not all! In a follow-up story from SFGate, we find that Ashburn takes leave amid questions over his sexual orientation!

Lucky duck of the day: Firefighters free duck stuck in Santa Fe chimney

Fire Chief Tommy Anderson said the homeowner heard the bird and lit a fire, hoping the duck would get out on its own from the open-top chimney. Anderson said the plan backfired, when "it filled her house with smoke."

Some times wishes DO come true! Utah man determined to get arrested gets his wish

A man rebuffed in an attempt to get arrested, finally got his wish when he went for an officer's handgun...And he might have gotten more than he bargained for. Police said he was hit with several charges including a serious felony of disarming a peace officer.

Here we go again...another banner free agency loss! Source: Burleson gets $11M guaranteed. Too bad it's guaranteed by the Lions...

Nate Burleson agreed to a five-year, $25 million deal from the Detroit Lions, according to a source.

On the always exciting Scot Chicken Show

2010-03-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

Today on the Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...the KYA feed is here: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290. Super CFL is here: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200/) we will discuss:

Oh, way to go, Science! Way to ruin yet another great story! Elma man electrocuted through wire, not urine

"...autopsy results show that an Elma man who was killed by touching a downed power line was electrocuted through his hand and not through his urine stream as first suspected."

An update on a story from yesterday: Official: Grass case against Calif. man to be cut

Prosecutors say a Southern California man who removed his grass to save water now has enough drought-tolerant plants to comply with an ordinance requiring 40 percent of a yard be covered with live landscaping.

What's not to like about bikini babes selling coffee? Apparently something, at least in Colorado...Some unhappy with bikini ad for Perky Cups coffee

Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women," but she says it's legal.

Man, I hates me some gum-related vandalism. Then again, I also hate being caned. Still a sticky issue: Singapore keeps gum ban

The ban, first imposed in 1992, is necessary to reduce gum-related litter and vandalism, Mohamad Maliki Bin Osman, parliamentary secretary of the national development ministry, told lawmakers Thursday.

Goats and Emus in Texas, monkeys in the state of disaster that is Florida. What the hell is going on with the animal kingdom? Elusive Fla. monkey dodges captors, defies darts

Yates says the monkey is smart, even stopping to check traffic before crossing a busy street. Officials didn't say how the monkey got loose. They say it isn't considered a threat to humans.

Now this is the kind of shrink I'm looking for! Patients try to keep appointments with jailed doc

At a hearing Tuesday, witnesses said the psychiatrist towered over his bloodied patient with a sword in both hands before he was distracted and had the weapon wrestled away from him.

Today on the Scott Chicken radio programme...

2010-03-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

I've been slack about the ol' blogeroonio, and I figured I 'd use it for some shameless self-promotion of the Scott Chicken radio programme over on Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...listen to the KYA feed by opening this link in your preferred audio playing software application: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290. For Super CFL use this'un: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200/). Because really, what's the point in having the highest rated LPFM afternoon program in Grays Harbor County (not to mention the Cowlitz Valley) if you don't plug yourself?

So here's what's on today from noon to seven:

Grant County escapee caught sinking in Moses Lake. As my mamma always told me, don't try to swim a lake when you're handcuffed and wearing a jail jumpsuit.

Mad emu attacks deputies along El Paso freeway. Man, there's something weird going on down in Texas...yesterday it was a goat roaming free, today it's an Emu.

No harm in naked woman tied to tree in Tacoma park. That is so true...

Claustrophobic Kentuckey deputy tries to shoot his way out of cell. I'm thinking a jail isn't the best place to be if you're claustrophobic...I'm just sayin'.

Mice infest UK's Westminster Palace in London. Hey, that's better than the rats we've got in Congress! Am I right? Huh?

There's also a story about a couple in SoCal who were going on trial for tearing out their lawn to save water, but I can't find the link (and tomorrow's exciting show will feature an update anyway, so what's the point?)!

You go, King County Courts!

2010-02-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

A couple nice rulings for the Seattle-area schools...well, maybe nice. The math one I'm totally behind, 'cause I can't stand the whole "Discovery Math" concept. The funding ruling is probably a good thing, although the state budget is so tight it will mean something else gets cut. But then, something else will probably get cut anyway, right?

The math one: Judge rejects Seattle's high school math program

The funding one: School funding gets an F; judge calls for action

Thanks, TSA!

2010-02-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

So the wife is flying off for a long weekend with friends in Ohio tomorrow, and is concerned about what she can and can't carry on the plane. So, being the helpful husband, I told her I'd research it while she volunteered at the school. So I start out at the Delta Airlines site, then get re-directed to the TSA's Prohibited Items page where I proceed to look up the relevant items (knitting needles, tweezers, nail clippers).

Well, my brief search indicates that the knitting will be fine, as will the tweezers and the clippers. But alas, her hopes to get on the plane without checking a bag are going to be thwarted by the ban on sabers. And for the record, why to they split out sabers from swords, when they don't also individually identify other types of sword? Or is my sword knowledge lacking in some way?

Wait...a week?

2010-02-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a week? OK, six days. Still, that's inexcusable. Well, I'm sure there are excuses, but they're lame. So it's clearly time for a quick wrap-up of the past week. Assuming I can remember it. Hmm.

Thursday: No idea what I did last Thursday. Nothing on the calendar other than "work on letters for PTA Auction", and that clearly didn't take all day. I was probably wasting time reading a book (Arms-Commander by L.E. Modesitt, Jr., which if I'm smart I'll get around to reviewing here...).

Friday: Again, no idea. Paige and the kids went skating that night, and I probably stayed home and read. Or watched TV.

Saturday: Finally, a day I remember! Spent the day up at Summit Central skiing. The snow wasn't great, but it wasn't the worst of the season. And it snowed all day, keeping things fairly steady. Spent the morning skiing with my friend Peter (whose kids are in lessons at Webbski as well), and the afternoon skiing with Logan and Maya. All in all we had a pretty good day.

Sunday: Another one I remember! Sunday was the first bout of the new Rat City Rollergirls season. The bout was a combination exhibition, tournament, and charity fund-raiser. They played half-length games in a single-elimination tournament format with the overall winner getting the most money for their charity. My beloved Throttle Rockets got manhandled (or maybe womanhandled) in their first game against the Sockit Wenches, but turned on the afterburners in the second bout and crushed the Derby Liberation Front by some ridiculous score like 90 - 35. I'll get some pictures up here once I get through processing them.

Monday: Back to not much going on. Had a networking call with some former co-workers in the morning, worked on the PTA Auction letters some more, had a delicious lasagna dinner.

Today: Talked to my career counselor (who I have yet to meet) and tried to get my butt back in gear in the job hunting world. Finalized and printed the PTA letters and mailing labels, then after dinner headed over to the school for an open house featuring performances by the daughter (well, the choir of which she is a part, anyway).

And that, pretty much, is that!

Politics and whatnot

2010-01-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

So this morning I did something kind of unusual: I actually read the paper. Usually I get it off the porch, scan the front page, scan the front of the sports section, then head for the comics and crossword puzzle. This morning, though, something came over me and I actually started flipping through the front section, and this story caught my eye.

The gist of the story, which was a re-print from the San Francisco Chronicle, is that the "Independent" voters - those who have registered with "decline-to-state" listed as their party - are growing in size rapidly and are playing more of a role in elections. It points to the election of President Obama, as well as the more recent election of Scott Brown to Ted Kennedy's former Senate seat.

What I especially liked about the article was that it highlighted one of the problems we have with the two-party system in the US: The Democrats and the Republicans take any victory as a mandate without looking closely at the why behind the win. To quote from the article:

"Say there is a big defeat for Democrats in November," [Stanford University political scientist Morris Fiorina] said. "The Democrats will say, 'It's because we didn't motivate our base.' Republicans will say, 'We have a conservative mandate.' They're both wrong."

The motivation behind the Independent voters, the article suggests, isn't either party's dogma but more an adherence to a basic set of values, generally fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. In other words, don't spend a lot of money on a big government and leave me alone. Another quote:

So who are these voters and what do they want?

"Independent voters have been deficit hawks since the days of Ross Perot, and they like divided government," said John Avlon, author of the forthcoming book, "Wing Nuts: How the Lunatic Fringe Is Hijacking America." Culturally they are "socially liberal to libertarian. They're alienated by the extremes of both parties."

Independents are turned off by the religious right and the ideological left, even as GOP partisans rampage against "RINOs," (Republicans-in-name-only) and the left's "net-roots" mount their own "DINO" hunts against Blue Dog Democrats.

I was raised a Democrat, and I've mainly voted that party line because there haven't been any decent alternatives (or when there were alternatives I stayed with the Dems because the races were close enough that my vote might actually count for more than in a blow-out election). I've found myself leaning closer to the Libertarian world in the last 10 years or so, but some of their stands (the whole "close the borders and disconnect the phones to the outside world" thing, for instance) and the fact that beyond the local races they tend to nominate whack jobs kept me from formalizing that shift. So maybe I should figure out how to amend my registration and head for the world of "decline-to-state."

Good news for Sounders fans...

2010-01-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

Not only do they not have Pete Carroll as a coach, but Freddy Ljungberg has announced he will return to the team!

I'm not a rabid fan...meant to go to a game last year but didn't quite make it. Watched them on TV, though, so I feel in some small way I can celebrate this. Maybe by having lunch.

The problem with the triple play (well, one of them anyway...)

2010-01-25T21:58:00.000-08:00

So a little over a year ago we signed up for Comcast's "Triple Play" bundle, combining digital cable TV, high speed Internet and phone in one handy dandy package. At the time it seemed like a convenient way to cut some costs, since the total package price was lower than we were paying for the three services on their own. And since we already had Comcast for the internets and TV action, we only really needed to change the phone.

I won't go in to all the hassles we had getting the billing right...let's just say when a guy from Comcast (or sub-contracted to Comcast) comes to your door and gives you a written document stating what the package will be and what the cost will be don't expect the company to honor it. Unless you take them to court, maybe, which I wasn't willing to do.

Anyhow, my main concern with the whole "voice over cable Internet" thing was what would happen if the power went out. "No problem!" they told me. "The modem has a battery backup, and will stay on for at least 30 minutes after the power cuts out." Which is true, but doesn't answer the second problem: what happens when the CABLE goes out?

This happened today. Cable went out, taking with it the TV, the phone and the Intenets. It was like being plunged in to the depths of the Great Depression with nothing to entertain us but the radio, some books, and sharpening pencils for the kids to sell out of tin cups. But hey, we got them pencils sharpened nicely, I tell you what.

A Sunday of snow

2010-01-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

Since the boy and I missed out on the skiing yesterday thanks to the Cleveland HS tour, we grabbed his buddy and headed up the mountain today, Maya in tow. The snow was a bit icy crunchy in the morning, but by about 11 snow had started to fall and things were looking up.

It continued snowing while we ate lunch, getting heavier and fatter, and I pulled out the old face mask thingamabob for the first time this season. The boy decided he'd had enough after lunch, so girl, buddy and I headed back up while he stayed in the car and ate cookies and played NintenDogs. Whatever.

Anyhow, the snow continued to pile up, the crowds began to dissipate, and we had a great afternoon. Buddy borrowed the boy's balaclava hat, the girl and I had our face mask thingies, and we all played the "how much snow can I let build up on my goggles before I have to wipe them or crash" game. Fun for the whole family. Or 1/2 of the family and a friend.

According to the NWS it's supposed to continue snowing through Wednesday, then maybe turn to rain for the weekend...I'm hoping we get some nice cold Canadian air to flow in Thursday afternoon to keep the snowfall going, but I'm not counting on it. Sigh!

A Saturday of variety

2010-01-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

Started with education, ended with marriage!

We kicked off the day packing Maya off to ski lessons and taking young Logan Chicken to the open house at Cleveland High to learn about their new STEM program (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math). It looks like a very cool program, although Logan might have trouble choosing which track to pursue (they split things in to Engineering & Technology and Life Sciences & Global Health, but he'd like to take both hard science stuff like physics and computer science and the bio stuff). Fortunately we've got a year to decide, so we're not in a tizzy yet.

Then, after sitting around watching sports and late-nite TV on the DVR all afternoon, we went to our next door neighbor's wedding. It was a lovely ceremony, held in Santoro's Books in Greenwood. Nicely crowded (the store's long and narrow and there were quite a few people there), great toasts, and some darn fine cookies. We split before the cake, though, 'cause the kids needed to get in bed so they'd be rested for tomorrow's skiing. Hopefully they'll have some left-overs we can mooch tomorrow evening!

Our long National Broadcasting Nightmare is over

2010-01-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

NBC has finally come to an agreement with Conan to part ways, confirming that they are indeed a network stuck in the early '90s. Personally I'm not a huge fan of either, but I'd take Conan over Leno any day of the week. The only drawback I see of this whole deal is that it only gives Dave, Craig, and Jimmy another week or so to crack jokes about it. Ah well...

Just can't get enough of this...

2010-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I probably can, but it's still funny. Thanks, Cute Things Exploding!

For the good Doctor...

2010-01-19T09:45:00.000-08:00

Tried to post this yesterday, but YouTube's "share" function apparently didn't want to work. Whatevah. It's just as good a day later!

How 'bout them Jets?

2010-01-17T23:19:00.000-08:00

OK, I'll admit it, I'm not a fan of the Jets. Never have been, really. Too young to have idolized Broadway Joe, and that whole Vinnie Testeverde's helmet is a football so the Jets beat the Seahawks thing back in, oh, whatever year that was pretty much sealed the deal. Add to that the fact that, while I'm not a huge Chargers fan, having rooted for the Seahawks and Mariners for years I can totally relate to the beleaguered San Diegans.

So I was naturally rooting for the Bolts this afternoon. And I figured hey, they've got a great chance! They had a bye last weekend, so they're rested. They're playing at home. They've got a great combination in Rivers and Gates. So they should walk away with it, right? Heck the other three home teams didn't have any trouble in their games...

Well, it just goes to show ya. Maybe that Mark Sanchez guy has something going for him after all, 'cause he and the Jets definitely out-played the Bolts today. And as a reward they get to go to Indy next weekend and try to do it again, which puts me in a position that is both freeing and possibly uncomfortable. See, I'm not a big Indy fan either. So I don't know who to root for. Which means I'll probably end up not rooting for either team and just using the game as background noise.

What a difference a week makes!

2010-01-16T23:19:00.000-08:00

So as you may recall from last Saturday the Chicken family's last skiing trip wasn't the best. In fact, it was pretty Godaweful from a skiing point of view. From a "have a beer" point of view it was fine. But I was there for the skiing, not the beer.

Flash forward to today and things are much, much better!

The first bonus: no ice. Last week there were roughly 3 feet of ice on the hill, only some of which had been ground up by the grooming machines. This week they'd had time to chew it up and spit it out, and there had actually been some new snow during the week, in addition to the rain.

Second bonus: all the chairs were running! Last week we started out with two, then added a third, then it was beer time. This week after dumping the kids at their lessons it was off to the Central Express, then down the hill and east to Silver Fir to play until lunch time. Silver Fir was nicely empty for the first hour or so, and thanks to the ice the faces had been groomed almost flat which played well with my mogul aversion. And even when it started getting more crowded, there's enough room on that side of the mountain that it wasn't that bad.

Third bonus: Logan's friend Gabe came up with us, so after lunch they were able to go off and do their own thing. Which I'm sure they found to be way more fun than skiing with their dads. Maya's young enough that it's not a big pain skiing with dad, although she did spend some time on the Magic Carpet with her friend Junie.

In fact, the only drag of the whole day was that I somehow lost the key to the ski rack when dropping off Gabe and his dad. They say it's not in the driveway, and I have no idea where else it might have gone. So if you see it, let me know!

MLK Assembly: a few production notes

2010-01-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Dear school my Chickeny children attend:

I went to today's Martin Luther King Jr. assembly, and have a few production notes. Hopefully you will take them in the spirit they're intended...

First off, I understand that much of the work was done by the kids, and for this I am truly grateful. It's nice that they get to learn stuff, then turn it in to a message to share with others. That said, here are the notes:

I understand that you don't want to quash their little creative juices, but if you're going to let 5th graders design stuff in PowerPoint, give them some general style guidelines first. Point out the value of open space. Mention that it's well nigh impossible to read 12 point type when it's projected on a screen. Bring up the fact that, if someone's going to talk along with the slides, you don't have to have all the words on each slide. That's why Bill Gates invented the bullet point.
Before the teacher, room parent, or whoever it was reads the audio to go with the slide show, have them test the equipment so there aren't huge clunking noises in the recording.
And while they're at it, maybe they could fact check the script. I'm fairly certain MLK's son wasn't "Martin Luther King Jr. the third." They probably dropped the "Jr." part, I'm guessing.
For all the parts of the presentation that involve audio, test out the amplification system before you're in the middle of the assembly.

Other than the technical stuff, though, I must say it was quite enjoyable. Keep up the good work!

Runway's back!

2010-01-14T23:02:00.000-08:00

Well, one advantage of the big network shift of Project Runway is that while we had a long wait for the last season to start it's only been a month or two since the last finale and we've got a new season starting! And this year the Northwest (well, the Portland area anyway) is representing well with Seth coming from Vancouver (well, his bio says he's from San Diego, but I think he's in Vancouver now...or was before the show started) and Janine hailing from Portland (again, bio says she's from Willows CA, but I'm guessing that's a home town).

Northwesterners aside, based on tonight's debut it's clear that there's some definite talent, and huge potential for pressure-induced freakouts. Whee!

The daughter's first forray into script writing

2010-01-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

So Miss Maya Chicken had quite the busy time last weekend...she started out with a roller-skating birthday party on Friday night, followed it up with some icy skiing on Saturday, had a friend spend the night Saturday night, then had another friend over for a playdate Sunday afternoon.

At some point during the slumber party (before the slumbering, that is), the girls asked to use the camcorder. They were making videos of various Webkinz and Maya's new Zhu Zhu Pets Hamster and having a fine old time. At some point I'll load them up to YouTube or something, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

Anyhow, the video madness continued the next day when friend #2 came over. Only this time, instead of just madcap ad-libs, they scripted it out. And I now present for your reading pleasure that script (with formatting and spelling close to the original):

BOBBYJACK GOES TO SCHOOL
One day BOBBYJACK went to school.
BOBBY asked a playground teacher "When does school start"?!right now!Then JACK ran over to BOBBY. "its time for school!"I know. When they got to there classroom BOBBYJACK
SAID GOOD BYE AND LEFT SCHOOL!THE END.

Oh, and to add to the setting I should mention that BOBBY and JACK (and possibly BOBBYJACK...I'm still not clear if that's another character or some weird amalgamation) are monkeys. Monkeys portrayed by 9-year-old girls wearing home-made monkey masks.

Cider? Why yes, thank you!

2010-01-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I went out for dinner and a beer with a couple friends tonight, mainly as an excuse to hear them bitch about their jobs (one of the drawbacks of being unemployed is I miss the "my job sucks" bitch-fests...sure, being unemployed sucks, but everyone knows that so there's no fun in whining about it). I'm not a big beer guy, but since my buddy Dave is we headed down to Naked City in Greenwood. I'd been there once before, but since then they'd started brewing on the premises. Which makes it all better, apparently.

Anyhoo, after trying someone's "Whip Ale", a passable pale that wasn't sphincter-tighteningly hoppy like my beer geek friends all like, I noticed at the bottom of the tap sheet a "dark dry cider" and figured "Hey, I used to drink cider when I was in England in college, so I'll try that!"

Dark was right...it was similar in color to the Whip Ale. And it was plenty dry. But very tasty. If I'd been as big a cider nerd as my friend Dave is a beer nerd I would have better words for it. I also would have taken a picture of it with my phone to add to the documentation. But I'm not, so I just enjoyed it.

Head cold, day 2

2010-01-11T23:28:00.000-08:00

Not surprisingly, much the same as day 1: runny nose and sneezing. Today's remedies included more large doses of vitamins C and D and the use of the always soft Costco brand TP instead of the soggy handkerchief for the nose blowing.

Today's additional mysery was random pains shooting through my body when I sneezed. This only happened twice, thank God, but clearly it's a sign that I am now officially middle-aged. When you think you might have thrown your back out sneezing you know things are on the down-hill slope. Sigh.

Today's side-effect of the cold is that I have no ideas for the blog. So I'm prattling on about my illness. Well, at least it's taking my mind off not working...

A cold? Really?

2010-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

You'd think if I was going to get sick in this winter of the Swine Flu Pandemic it would be the good ol' H1N1, but nooooo! I get stuck with a stupid cold! H1N1 did roll through the house around Halloween...the wife was down for a good 5 solid days, followed by a week of slow recovery. The kids each missed school - Maya for 3 days or so, Logan closer to a week. But somehow I got away with a little mild vertigo and some aches. Apparently the fates are getting back at me now by making my nose run all day.

Oh well...at least the misery of my inflamed nostrils is distracting me from the pain of the Cowboys still being alive in the playoffs.

First day of ski lessons + freezing rain overnight = beer for me

2010-01-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

So if you were following me on the twitters today you're aware of the rough details, but here's the full-fledged report. 'cause I know you care...

Today was the first day for the young Chickens' ski lessons this season. The weather forecast was iffy for Snoqualmie Pass: last night was the classic "wintery mix" of snow, sleet, rain and freezing rain. So we left plenty of time for traffic and picking up the other kids and parents coming along, then proceeded to run in to almost no traffic at all. Which meant we got there with plenty of time to spare. Yay that!

We trudged up to the Holiday chair at the mighty Summit Central, stood in a very short line on really crusty chopped up snow, and rode on up the hill. I got on ahead of the kids and told them I'd meet them at the ski school chalet, so I headed off across the mountain. At this point I realized that this would likely be a short day for ol' Scott Chicken. First, I'd left the backpack with the snacks and hot water in the car. Second, that backpack also had my low-light goggles. Third, it was pretty dim / flat and the goggles I had on weren't helping much. Fourth, and most importantly, it was like skiing on an ice rink. A very bumpy, sloped ice rink.

The areas where the grooming machines had chewed things up weren't bad, but anywhere else was nasty. And the route from the top of Holiday to the chalet went over a few such places.

We all survived the traverse, although Miss Maya was a bit shaken by her inability to maneuver on the ice. We met up with our friends, who had by now secured their rental gear, and waited for teachers to show up.

As I stood there I noticed that it looked like there were only two chairs running, both of them on the "easy" runs. Hmm...things were not looking good for me, let alone the lessons. The teachers finally arived and confirmed my fears: the upper mountain was closed until they could get things groomed a bit better. Turns out the freezing rain hit around 5 AM and destroyed everything they'd done the night before. The classes would head over to the other, less used and slightly steeper beginner chair and that would be that.

Well, since I wanted no part of that I hung out for a while watching the first-timers learn to ski and snowboard, talking to a teacher whose class hadn't shown up, and killing time. Eventually they opened the "Triple Sixty" chair and I figured I'd give it a shot. This chair, for those of you not familiar with the Summit, climbs to a ridge about 3/4 up the mountain. At the top you can go right and down a steep face, left and down a steep face, or left down a cat track to a less steep bowl area. The faces were closed, so I and everyone else funneled down the very icy cat track. If you've never skiied or snowboarded on ice you don't know what you're missing...loud scraping sounds, little directional or speed control, painful to fall on, it's everything you could ask for. The bowl was a little better, since they'd chopped up a few wide swaths with the groomers, but not good enough to stay on the hill.

So after that run I took my skis back to the car, changed out of my ski boots, grabbed the back pack, and went to the lodge for a beer. The only problem was that I'd left my book (Darksong Rising by L.E. Modesitt Jr.) at home. Ah well...

Finally met the kids back at the chalet at 12:30 when their lessons were over. They'd had a good time, although the chair stopped running at some point and they had to climb the hill the old fashioned way. And the other kids, all of whom were in their first lessons ever (two former skiiers trying snowboarding, one brand new skiier) also had great times. And hey, I got to enjoy a guilt-free SnowCap!

Hey, whataya know?

2010-01-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

So you remember how yesterday (or earlier today, depending on when you read it) I was saying that we couldn't take any orders for the Girl Scout Cookies? Well, now we can. Pre-order season started today. If you're in the Seattle area we'll deliver. If you're not, well, either find a local dealer or pay some shipping. Here's this year's line-up, in order of my faves to my least faves:

Thin Mints: The classic chocolate mint cookie, made with natural pepermint rather than that nasty wintergreen or spearmint
Trefoils: The original Girl Scout cookie, I think...shortbread formed in the shape of the Girl Scout trefoil logo thingamabob
Lemon Chalet Creme: A sandwich cookie made with ginger cookies and lemony creme
Dulce de Lece: According to the Little Brownie Bakers who make 'em, "Inspired by the classic confections of Latin America, these sweet, bite-size cookies are rich with milk caramel chips."
Samoas: I'm not a big fan, but I'll eat 'em if I have to. Vanilla cookies with chocolate, coconut and caramel. Some swear by them, but I'm not that in to the coconut thing.
Thank U Berry Munch: I reviewed this one yesterday. Buyer beware.
Do-Si-Dos: Another sandwich cookie, this time with oatmeal cookies and peanut butter filling. Not my thing, but whatever.
Tagalongs: Again according to the Little Brownie Bakers, these are "Tasty cookies topped with creamy peanut butter and covered with a luscious chocolaty coating." Seems like a waste of perfectly good cookies and chocolate to me, but hey, those not violently alergic to peanuts apparently love 'em.

I think the cookies are $4 a box. If you want some, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment with your order!

Girl Scout cookies

2010-01-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, in case you don't have Girl Scout Cookie season highlighted on your calendar, it's coming up. And I thought I'd warn you that the new flavor blows. It's called something like "Fruity Crunch" or "Very Berry Crunch" or something. Hang on, I'll check...OK, I went to the web site since I'm too lazy to walk upstairs to look...it's "Thank U Berry Much". The label states it "contains real cranberries". The web site claims it's also got gratitude in it, which leads me to believe that gratitude doesn't taste nearly as good as you might think.

So what DOES it taste like, you ask? Well, the wife described it as strawberry Pop-Tart (which, by the way, you can now buy online), but I think it's more stale Crunch Berry (which are also available online) in cookie form. The cookie itself is crumbly and dusty, the fruit doesn't taste like a cranberry, the whole thing is a mess. I say stick with the classic Thin Mints, Trefoils, or the delightful Lemon Chalet Cremes.

Now that I've got you drooling, you'll have to wait...can't take orders yet, but don't worry. Once we can, I'll be sure to let you know!

First book review of the year

2010-01-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

Santa was good to me, and gave me a copy of Craig Ferguson's book American on Purpose. I've been a fan of Craig's since his work as Mr. Wick on The Drew Carey Show, although I must admit I kind of lost track of him once the show went off the air. I remember he was up for the Late Late Show when Kilborne decided to quit, and I'd occasionally catch the show when I couldn't sleep, but it wasn't until this last spring that I realized two important things: first, he's goddamn funny, and second, I have a DVR and could watch the show whenever I wanted.

Over the summer Craig started plugging his book, having various celebs read exerpts from it. It sounded funny, and more importantly it sounded like he wasn't sugar-coating things. And if you know anything of Craig's story (which, now that I've read the book, I do) you know he's no saint. Had he been born 20 years later and pulled the same alcohol and drug-fueled stunts in the '90s and '00s he would have been all over TMZ (or the Scotish / English equivalent). But hey, back in the '70s and '80s such behaviour was, if not approved, I suppose accepted. And he managed to get clean and sober before the booze killed him, for which I am (and you should be) grateful.

So, how's the book you ask? Great. It's funny, it's touching, and it's a great insight into his life. But two things really stand out for me.

First is the glimpse it offers into the world of the functioning (and at times non-functioning) alcoholic, something I know almost nothing about. I know a number of recovering addicts, both those who go completely dry and those who now drink occasionally, but I don't really know what they went through, what it was like to need a drink or a shot. And while I still don't know what that's like first-hand, I feel I have a better grip on it than I did before.

Second, it gives an outsider's view on what makes the U.S. a great country. The final chapter shares the book's title, "American on Purpose," and is a great explanation of why Craig, who probably could have had a very nice life and career had he stayed in the UK, chose to emigrate and why he eventually chose to become a naturalized citizen. It sums up a lot of what I feel as a natural-born citizen, sentiments that weren't popular (and may still not be popular) during the Clinton and Bush administrations. And since I can't explain it nearly as well, here's a quote (from page 265 of the hardback edition, if you want to look it up...):

It seemed to me that American patriotism had been hijacked by politicians who used it for their own jingoistic ends, and I wanted to use my television show to get away from that. I wanted to get back to the image of the gum-chewing GIs who brought swing dancing, fruit, and hope to Scotland when my parents were kids. I wanted to share the feeling I got when I received my big color poster from NASA in the mail. I wanted as many native-born Americans to understand the thrill and exhilaration that comes from joining the land of the free.

If this sounds trite I don't give a rat's ass. I believe in it. America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual but because we are always our own most effective voice of dissent. The French may love Barack Obama but they didn't fucking elect him. We did.

We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America and don't have to opress each other over it.

We're not just a nation. We're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for thousands of years.

So long, Mr. Unit!

2010-01-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Randy Johnson is retiring. It's been a while since I've seen him live, but I still remember his outstanding play as a Mariner. I was there when he threw the first no-hitter in franchise history, and I was there in '95 when he came out of the duggout to face down Black Jack McDowell in game 5 against the hated Yankees. Always thought he'd make an amazing closer, but I guess 22 years in the bigs was enough for him!

Happy Birthday, Maya!

2010-01-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today miss Maya Chicken turned a whopping 9, and was showered with gifts and cake. As you recall from the previous Maya's birthday post, her cake was a disaster and we loved it. So this year's cake design was a pre-made disaster: two yellow cake rounds in a bowl with chocolate mousse between them. This year, unlike last year, the mousse set up so we could have made it a "real" cake. But it's better this way. Honest.

Finally, a new show I might actually watch!

2010-01-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

OK, the odds are actually pretty small, but you have to love the concept of Conveyor Belt of Love on ABC at 10 tomorrow (Monday, January 4th). Here's what ABC has to say about it:

In this hilarious and fast-paced one-hour special, one by one the 30 men are presented on the Conveyor Belt of Love to the five women and given 60 seconds to impress them. If a woman is interested in someone, that man will step aside and wait as the rest of the men go by. But if another man comes by on the belt who seems better than that woman's first choice, she can swap out the man waiting off of the belt as many times as she wants until the last man has passed by. If two or more of the women are interested in the same man, the tables turn and the man on the conveyor belt gets to choose which one he would like to wait for. After all 30 men have made it through the Conveyor Belt of Love, each woman is left with her final choice as she embarks on a date in the hope of finding a true connection. Will these five women be happy with their choices?

What they don't say is that the 25 dudes who are rejected stay on the conveyor belt as it moves through the hallway with rotating knives where they're processed into hash and eventually fed to the pit bulls rescued from Michael Vick's house.

Clearly I'm in the wrong line of work

2010-01-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

Although technically, since I'm unemployed and all, I'm not really in ANY line of work...still, I think I should have skipped business school and started a fundamentalist Christian church. Hell, I played a revivalist preacher in the play Tent Meeting in college (here's a link to a New York Times review of a 1987 production by the original cast...I'm sure they did a FAR better job than we did).

Anyhow today the story hit that Rick Warren, founder of the Saddleback Church down in SoCal, raised $2.4M after making a plea for donations 'cause the church was $900 grand in the hole.*

$2.4 million would definitely taste good right about now, but I don't think I could handle the job. For one thing, I don't own enough suits. And while that kind of folding money would buy me quite a few, the real problem is I don't enjoy wearing them. And from what I've seen if you're going to be a TV preacher you really need to wear a suit.

So I guess it's back to Monster.com with me!

*Oh, and speaking of holes, as a side note Dan Savage, editor of The Stranger, author of the Savage Love sex advice column, and promoter of the term "Santorum" as a nasty byproduct of anal sex, facilitated the re-defining of "Saddlebacking" back in January as a reaction to Pastor Warren's stance on premarital sex among other things. Click the link for the definition, but here's the word used in context: After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she's saving herself for marriage. And lest you think the phenomenon is made up, I have second-hand knowledge from a fairly trusted source that it's not.

The return of Blog 365

2010-01-01T23:03:00.001-08:00

So clearly the Chicken Blog has laid fallow for far too long. Looking back at 2008 it appears I published a whopping 25 posts. Maybe 24, since I think one I started on then never finished and published. So for 2010 I'm going to try to get back to throwing something down every day.

And to start things off on this January 1st of the year MMX, a video! Not by me, mind you, but by my far more creative son. He created this back in 2006 when he was all of, um, 9. I helped a bit with the movements, and I dropped the stills in to Adobe Premier Elements to create the animation, but the rest was him. And now, 4 years later, it's hit enough views that it's eligible for Google's AdSense advertising. Which means that in another 4 years we'll be able to buy a new Lego dude. Or at least a hand.

Merry Christmas! Here's a couple videos

2009-12-25T15:31:00.000-08:00

So Logan creates stop-action movies on occasion, and over the last couple days he cranked out these. First up, the kitties (Fog, Ginger, Creamsicle and Frangles) catch a bus, then a few other vehicles:

Then the rest of the stuffed animals joined in and had quite the tree-trimming hoedown:

A fine Star Wars edit

2009-11-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

Man, whoever put this together is a freaking genius, I must say. Because really, given what crappy shots the Storm Troupers are, shouldn't we expect the targeting systems in the Death Star to be a bit, well, off?

Maybe that 2nd Ammendment thing isn't so crazy after all...

2009-11-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ex-soldier faces jail for handing in gun

This is freakin' cool...

2009-10-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

I'll add this to the list of jobs I'm not applying for but am darn glad someone's doing.

Why did I just find out about this today?

2009-10-05T21:53:00.001-07:00

I mean really...isn't someone supposed to alert me about things this awesome? (sorry about the ads...it's Hulu, what do you want? It's worth the wait.)

WTF, Germany?

2009-09-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

As if the whole plasticized corpse thing wasn't creepy enough the last time it rolled through town, now Body Worlds plans a cadaver show dedicated to sex.

So, is it still necrophilia when it's two corpses getting it on? Oh, wait, that's not the idea:

"It's not my intention to show certain sexual poses. My goal is really to show the anatomy and the function," Body Worlds creative director Whalley told Reuters in an interview, adding the sex exhibition may open next year.

Hold it...reading further it appears that this time they're avoiding corpses getting it on because they've already done that in another show called "Cycle of Life".

And so I repeat: WTF, Germany?

First day of school!

2009-09-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

Wait...it's September already? Damn! And I haven't even finished my recap of August's bike trip and Scout camp. Hmm...may have to do that today or tomorrow.

Meanwhile, today was the first day of school, so here's this year's proof that the kids are indeed getting bigger!

Maya missed out!

2009-08-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

So a week ago Maya had three choices: She could come camping at Dosewallips with her mom, brother and me (and a bunch of other families from the Troop), she could go to Steamboat Rock with a friend's family for 5 days of sun, swimming, biking and boating, or she could stay in town and skate with the Tootsy Rollers at the Rat City bout in Kent. She, being a smart kid, chose option B and headed to Eastern Washington. Maybe if she'd known she'd be on TV if she played Derby that weekend she would have changed her mind...

A nice misty morning in camp

2009-08-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

Today's view. Would be a better contrast shot if I'd taken one earlier when it was sunny...

The bestest puppet of all

2009-07-31T20:26:00.001-07:00

Is Wavey, the waving crocodile!

My day in Studio City

2009-06-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Or is that "Television City"? One of those. Anyhow, here's a rundown of the day:

3:30 AM: Alarm goes off. It's a clock radio and the tuner isn't actually on a station, so I wake up to static and some kind of mariachi music. I smack the snooze bar, doze for another 8 minutes, then get up and get dressed: jeans, my "PLINKO 1983" shirt Penny made for me, and a sweatshirt.

3:50 AM: Get in line. Penny and Cheryl show up about 3 minutes later and we settle in to wait until 6 when they're supposed to hand out the early arrival passes.

3:50 - 6 AM: We wait. Around us are two sets of twins (two 38-year-old guys from the LA area and two women from Maryland), a bunch of people with "Drew Zoo" shirts, and a woman and her father from Bermuda. Or maybe Barbados. One of those "B" islands. At some point in there I went to the mini-mart across the street to get a bottle of water, and around 6 Penny went and got the first of three bagels I would eat today: Cinnamon Raisin, plain.

6:15ish AM: They finally hand out the early arrival pass things that will land us our spot in line, and tell us to come back at 8. Wait...8? The paperwork all says 10! I was expecting a 3 hour nap! WTF???? No, it's 8. Crap.

6:30 AM: I collapse back in bed, alarm re-set for 7:30. I doze for an hour or so.

7:30 AM: Back up, shower, try to wake up, get dressed again, head back over to CBS for "processing".

8:00 AM: We find out why we had to show up 2 hours early: Today they're taping the first shows of the 38th season, and they've brought in an event photography company to take our pictures in front of a green screen. Hmm...wonder if it's the same color as my green shirt? No, not quite. They line us up by line number (47-49), Erin the Page writes out our name tags, and we sit down to wait.

8:45ish AM: We move in to the line to get our photos taken. I chose the PLINKO background to go with my PLINKO shirt, and end up looking like a tool. Not that that's a stretch, mind you...I'll post the picture to show my tool-ness as soon as I find it on the web site.

9:00 - 11:00 AM: We slide down to Bob Barker Parkway or Pavilion or something else that starts with "P", sit on yet another bleacher, and fill out some paperwork - a number card that identifies us, and a small bio card. We then get interviewed by a show producer, get our head-shots taken, and somewhere behind the scenes they decide who gets to COME ON DOWN!!! Spoiler alert: it's none of us. Oh, and somewhere in here I get my second bagel of the day (Cinnamon Raisin again, this time with cream cheese).

11:15 - 12:15 or so: We move around the corner after our interview and sit on the third bleacher of the day, this one right up against a wall. Easier on the back, but no room to slouch. And I'm a sloucher. So not the most comfortable seat. We are repeatedly reminded that once we're in the studio there will be NO BATHROOMS, so we'd better get our business done now. Which I do, having the old "pre-game bladder" action going on.

12:15ish: We finally get to climb the stairs to the studio to ooh and ah at the new set while dancing to disco music. Studio announcer Rich Fields comes out, grabs 8 people out of the crowd to dance on stage to get us more riled up, and then it's show time.

12:45ish - 2:15: The show tapes. Some things you should know:

It's really loud in the studio. To the point where there's no way in heck you'll hear Rich call out your name. So you have to watch the two cue-card guys on stage with the cards with your name. I watch, and they don't have my name.
If you look at the back operator ends of the cameras, they've got a map of the audience with the locations of the players marked out. From this you can get a fairly good idea if you're going to be called down or not.
Sitting in the middle down close is cool, 'cause you end up in a lot of the shots. But it's less cool, 'cause the contestants block many of the prizes and games.
If I HAD been called down, and if I HAD won the chance to win the first car (an Impala, I think, or maybe a Charger) in the "Lucky 7" game, I would have won it. Because dude, I was 4 for 4 picking numbers. You can ask anybody.
If the prize involves a computer, and you ask for clarification on what the computer is, and they then tell you the wrong brand, you win the whole dang prize. A guy was bidding on a desk, chair, and PC. They said it was a Dell and he blew it in the "push over" game by like $4,000. Turns out it was actually an HP, so he won the whole prize, worth about $9,000. Naturally, the money was all in the desk and chair, since I can't imagine an HP is that much more expensive than a Dell with similar components.
Yelling and clapping over and over for that long is tiring. Especially when it's done on little or no sleep.

2:15 or so: Show's over and we head out. I check at the ticket booth to find out when I should come back to line up for tonight's Late Late Show taping and find out I've got about 30 minutes to change and eat. So it's back to the Rodeway, in to my slacks and dress shirt, stop at the Bagel Broker for bagel #3 (whole wheat, cream cheese, turkey and lettuce) and a large diet coke, then it's back to CBS to stand in more lines. This one is shorter, and less giddy. I go in, get put in line 1, and park it on another bleacher.

3:15 - 4:15: I sit on said bleacher, with occasional breaks to buy schwag (TPIR and Late Late Show mugs) and pee. Because again, there are no restrooms inside CBS. Apparently everyone has to leave the building to take a leak.

4:15ish: The audience wrangler comes down and tells us what to expect: We're at a comedy TV show, not a comedy club, so laugh but don't mouth off...don't whoop over your city, college, etc...cheer loud, laugh loud, and don't be an idiot. Shortly after that the head audience wrangler "Chunky D" (a white guy) comes down, tells a couple jokes, and we head up stairs.

4:30ish: We make our way up two flights of stairs (that, thanks to the height of the studios, is really more like 3 or 4 flights) and in to the small studio where the Late Late Show is taped. I end up sitting in the front row, far stage right, next to a woman and her daughters. They're from Baltimore. The youngest daughter (didn't get an age...I'd guess 16 or 17) is named Paisley Somethingorother. Given her age, and the fact that I'm sitting by her mom, I don't make any comment about the fact that she's got a stripper name. Paisley is blonde, which comes in to play in about 15 minutes.

4:45 PM: Chunky D comes out to warm us up. He's fairly funny - not funny enough to turn pro, but funny enough to get people who are there to laugh laughing. He runs us through the "Laugh like hell" signs he'll give us during the taping, then proceeds to test it out with some bad jokes. Many of these are blonde jokes, which Chunky then explains carefully to Paisley to make sure she got them.

5:00 PM: It's time to make television! Things kick off with a montage video from the show, then Craig comes out and does his monologue. It, as always, is hilarious and my stomach starts to hurt. From there they do a couple of the e-mail bits (one for tonight, one for Thursday), then out comes Marion Cotillard, French actress and babe extraordinaire, out to plug her new movie with Johnny Dep. She's beautiful, she's got a delightful accent, and she mispronounces "focus" so it sounds like "fuckus". Craig doesn't let that one go. Next up is Village Voice gossip columnist Michael Musto, who talks about gossip columnism in the world of the Internets.

6:00 PM: Show's over, my gut hurts like hell, and it's time for dinner. No more bagels, now it's time for real food: Subway veggie sub and a lemonade. Then hang on the bed, make some calls, and surf the net before passing out for the night. Whew!

T minus 5 hours or so

2009-06-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

Until I'm supposed to wake up, that is. 3:30 the alarm goes off. Then I head across the street to CBS studios to wait in a line to get a pass to wait in another line to maybe be picked to sit in on a taping of The Price Is Right. Apparently the key is to be excited and energetic...not sure I can pull that off on the 2 hours of sleep I'll probably have, because let's face it, my body clock is now adapted to the 1 AM - 8 AM sleep pattern, not the 10 PM - 3:30 AM sleep pattern.

Then again, maybe if I actually shut down the computer and turned off the TV I'd fall asleep...I suppose it's worth a try, right? Right!

And yes, I'll file a full report tomorrow night after it's all over.

Happy birthday, Logan!

2009-06-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

The last birthday before the teens has come and gone. The cake is eaten (well, a quarter of it anyway), WeSki has been played, now all that's left is to wait for Friday when the annual Funtasia + Slumber Party occurs. We'll see how late the boys stay up this year...will they match the record of 5 AM set two years ago? Or will things peter out at midnight or so like last year? I'm thinking somewhere inbetween, although one never knows...

Anyhoo, here's the latest update to the photo string!

One week, three movies

2009-05-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

So one of the few advantages of being unemployed is the freedom to go to mid-week matinees. And I'll be honest, I haven't been availing myself of this little benefit nearly as much as I should. So this week I set out to make up for some lost time.

First up, on Tuesday, was the mighty X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the film that provides the back story for Wolverine and Sabertooth, as well as some of the other Uncanny X-Men. Overall I give it a thumbs up. Good action, nice to get some pre-Adamantium Wolverine action, and great to finally see Gambit make the move to the big screen (and Taylor Kitch, the guy who plays Riggins on Friday Night Lights, definitely did him justice). The effects were great, with one exception: Victor / Sabertooth. His fighting was fine, he's a great actor, and I loved the claws, but the scenes where he's jumping around on all fours like a cat just weren't smooth. Because hey, people just don't run around like that. Fortunately that was a minor part of the movie, and didn't affect my overall enjoyment.

After resting up for a couple days I headed out Friday afternoon to watch Star Trek. I'd seen an interview with JJ Abrahms on Attack of the Show and had somewhat of an idea what was going to happen, but was pleasantly surprised anyway. The story held together as well as any Star Trek story ever does, and the actors playing the classic characters were all good and definitely putting their own mark on things. Well, maybe not so much with Karl Urban, who had a bit too much DeForest Kelley popping through in his Bones McCoy. Then again, there are only so many ways you can say "Dammit, Spock, I'm a doctor not a physicist!" All in all, it was a good reset to the story line, and it's fairly clear that these guys will all have jobs for years if they want them.

And finally to round out the week the fam and I went to the mighty Crest Cinemas to catch Coraline for a whopping $3 a ticket (plus $12 for the monster popcorn and monster soda, each of which was refilled). We hadn't read the book, but had seen the previews / ads, and I'd heard an interview with the author and director (maybe? Someone on the movie side) on "The Sound of Young America" and so knew a little something about it. And it had recieved good reviews both from the pundits and from the Moes. And did I mention it was $24 for the 4 of us, drinks and corn included? Anyhow, it ruled. Beautiful movie, amazing stop-motion claymation stuff, very interesting story, and Ian McShane as a crazy Russian mouse-trainer. Well worth the $3, and I'm pretty sure we would have been happy had we paid full price at a first-run theater.

So, all in all a good week at the theater. Don't think I'll repeat it this week, 'cause the only stuff I'm interested in at the moment is at the Crest and they only run in the evenings during the week and we're booked solid. But it's OK...I really should focus on the job hunting, and trying to figure out how to line up freelance clients!

Jinkies!

2009-04-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

"Last post: April 14th". That's like, um, 10 days ago. Man, I've really fallen off the ol' blogging band-wagon, haven't I? Probably time to do some catching up...

Let's see, what's new? I'm still unemployed, for one thing. Did I mention that I was laid off? I think I did...if I didn't, well, I was. Last day was January 29th. Since then I've been fruitlessly applying to jobs, collecting unemployment, and thinking about becoming a freelance designer. What kind of design, you ask? Mainly PowerPoint, 'cause that was my bread and butter for the last four years or so. The trick is going to be marketing the service and building the need. Because hey, any monkey can put some words on a slide, right? Ah, but are they the right words? And are there pretty pictures and whatnot in there along with them to really get the point across? Anyhow, I need to get off my butt and start working out the marketing plan and whatnot, and more importantly compiling some kind of a portfolio.

In fact, that was going to be my focus this past week, but instead I decided to get sick. Or, rather, the sickness I was fighting most of the week before decided it wasn't done with me yet and instead was ready to get worse. So after a week of feeling mildly crappy, this past week I felt REALLY crappy. And it's hard to focus on marketing strategies or portfolio creation when you keep having waves of vertigo wash over you.

I was feeling a bit better today...not 100%, but probably up to 60 or so. Well enough to spend the day in the car driving around Whidbey Island scouting out a biking route for an overnight trip I'm leading next weekend with Logan's troop. Should be fun, if painfully hilly. It's only 25 miles each day, but I am in crappy shape and I don't think the kids are much better. Well, that's not quite true...they're young, so naturally they're in better shape than me. That said, I'm expecting them to walk up more hills than me. Because they may be in better shape than I am, but I'm way more stubborn than they are.

Whah?

2009-04-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

Oh Woody, Woody, Woody...From the fine folk at CNN.com:

"'I wrapped a movie called 'Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character,' Harrelson said in a statement issued Friday by his publicist.

'With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie,' he said."

Fog skiing

2009-03-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

It was a lovely day at Mission Ridge Friday. Especially if you like fog. And really, the picture doesn't do it justice. This was taken riding up Chair 1 (1 of 4...), at the base of the mountain. When the kids and I took the high-speed quad chair up to the top of the ridge we REALLY got in the fog. Or, rather, the cloud. I must say, there's nothing quite like heading down a hill you've never skied on and not being able to see more than 10 feet ahead.

That said, it was a great day. Paige hung on the relatively easy slopes of chair 1, the kids joined me for one ride up the quad, then after lunch Logan hung with Paige while Maya braved the fog and wind twice more before joining her brother and mom on the easy stuff while I continued to risk my neck in the fog. We'll definitely go back, and it's another reason to be jealous of our friends who live in Wenatchee!