I think we've been dissed...

From everyone's favorite news source, The Onion: Ichiro: 'The Best Part About Playing For My Country Was Not Playing For The Seattle Mariners'

Then again, that might actually be true!

Finally, a gadget I DON'T need!

Sure, the running thing has led to a gadget or two...I've got the Garmin GPS thingy, at some point I'll get a hydration belt, but I'm glad to say I don't need a pair of shoes with a built-in MP3 player.

It rarely gets better than this...

And by "It" I mean the opening paragraphs of this story: "ATASCADERO, Calif. - A retired salesman alleged a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. John Skinner, 54, said he was on his way to Bible study on Jan. 23 when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram.

"Murphy said a friend had already paid for the show, police said.

"When Skinner agreed to let her perform, knife wielding Richard Adam, 23, allegedly forced his way inside and told Skinner he owed Murphy, owner of Bikini Assassins, and another woman money for earlier services."

It has it all: An older dude presumably not getting much and resorting to escort services; Bible study; knives; and most importantly, Bikini Assassins.

But the best part comes later, when Bible-studying Skinner says "he owed Talbert money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex."

As I said, it's got it all.

My almost but not quite brush with death

Or at least injury. Or the injury of a cop. One of those...

Anyway, as I was heading home yesterday I stopped (well, the guy two cars ahead of me stopped) to let the officer involved in this North Seattle collision go through the intersection at 105th and Aurora. Which means that about the time I was rolling through the intersection he was plowing into / being plowed into by the other car.

A bittersweet sports day

The bitter: Kirby Puckett dead at 45 following a stroke. I loved Kirby. He was everything I wished I could be as an outfielder: a good hitter with decent range and a fair arm. And he was pudgy. Gotta love a pudgy baseball player.




The sweet: the Seahawks signed Sean Alexander to an 8-year deal. While I have my issues with Sean (he has a tendency to dance around rather than just hitting the hole and running up field) I do love to watch him run the open field. Now that this deal is done it's time for the team to get Hutch under contract. Like, oh, now.

What, no frickin' laser beams?

Pentagon mulling 'stealth sharks' to patrol the seas

Sharks with neural implants? What could possibly go wrong?

Bumpuses!!!!!!

Geez, 2 down! First Don Knotts, now
Darren McGavin. I never watched Kolchak back in the day ('cause I was what, 6? Something like that), but I love him in A Christmas Story.

The big question, of course, is who will #3 be?

RIP, Mr. Furley

Wasn't much of a fan of Andy Griffith, but I loved Three's Company. But then, what young boy of the 70s didn't like looking at Suzanne Sommers in short shorts? Well, Don Knotts did, that's for sure!

Don Knotts, TV's Ralph Furley, Dies at 81

Running update

So I’m now in my 4th week of pretending to be a runner, and I think it might be getting easier. Maybe. Not that I can run a significant distance yet, but I do seem to be able to run for slightly longer periods. I’ve worked out a route from the house that covers about 2.25 miles, and I can do it in at or under a half hour. I’ve continued the “interval” training plan I started on, but have moved away from the original plan of 10 minutes of a walking warm-up, 15 minutes of a 30 second jog/30 second walk pattern, 5 minutes walking cool-down. I’m now jogging longer (I haven’t had a watch with me lately, so I’m going by strides) and walking roughly the same amount (again, strides I’m trying to keep a 4-1 ratio, jogging 200 steps, walking 50).

That all changes, naturally, when I’m at the gym. Then I tend to do the “Interval” setting on the tread mill for 30 minutes: 2 minute walk, 2 minute jog, repeat as necessary.

I’m also thinking of shifting my intermediate goal. Originally I was going to run the Beat the Bridge 8k race on May 21st...now I’m thinking a better option might be the Over the Dam 10k the weekend before. It’s in Coulee Dam, Washington, best known as the home of, well, the Grand Coulee Dam. The run starts in town, loops around one side of the river, then runs across the dam and up another loop.

The advantage of this run, other than the cool “running over the largest concrete structure in the world” part, is that it gets me up to the 6-mile “long run” mark that the marathon training plan hits at the end of the first week. And it gives me two weeks between the race and starting the marathon plan to recover and start increasing the mid-week mileage (the marathon plan starts out at 3 miles a day, T-W-Th, then 6 on Saturday the 10k plan ends off with 3 on Tuesday, 2 on Thursday and 5.5 on Sunday [not counting the 6.2 on race day]).

Of course, since I twisted my ankle yesterday in the back yard (an injury made all the worse because I did it stepping in a hole I dug) I won't be running for a few days...stupid ankles...

Next update will be Friday or so when my new toy shows up!

Very cool illusion

Colors are cool. Too bad the instructions are so small...

Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment...

Man's Elbow, Mistaken for Squirrel, Shot

It's rare to find an elbow with a bushy tail, but then they grow 'em weird up there in Michigan.

Cartoon Protests Deadly in Afghanistan - Yahoo! News

OK, is it just me or are the headlines around this whole Prophet Mohammed cartoon thing kind of misleading? I mean, it sounds like it's a bunch of 'toons protesting something. Or like the cartoon itself is protesting "Deadly in Afghanistan", which might be a movie or TV show or something. In any case, here's the lastest headline: Cartoon Protests Deadly in Afghanistan

And a fine quote that earns today's "gee, you think?" award: "Senior Afghan officials said al-Qaida and the Taliban could be exploiting anger over the cartoons to incite violence, which spread to at least six cities in a second day of bloody unrest in Afghanistan."

Life imitates "My Name is Earl"

Arcade Claw Offers Live Lobster Prizes - Yahoo! News

"Working a joystick and a pair of buttons, Margel lowers the claw, clamps it around the lobster and attempts to lift it out of the water. But the lobster fights back and escapes before he can deposit it in an opening and down a chute into his possession. "

It's like Randy trying to get the rat out of the game, only in this case it's a lobster. And the lobster isn't humping a Grover doll.

Insert Penis Joke Here:

Rep. Boehner Elected House Majority Leader

I'll start you off...

The new house Majority Leader is a hard act to follow!

We've really got our hands full with Rep. Boehner...

Now that he's been elected Majority Leader Rep. Boehner has been acting like a total dick!

Mid-life crisis strikes.

Well, that's my excuse anyway.

So this coming December I turn 40. And that's one of those milestone years where people can buy you cookies that say you're older than dirt. (They work quite nicely if you turn 50 too, as my sister found out a few weeks ago).

Not usually being one to ponder my own mortality, something about this milestone got me started. That or the fact that my friend John has been talking about aging and the fact that we're now almost old. One of those. Anyhow, I decided it was time to do something I'd never done before. Something I'd always said I wouldn't do because it was crazy...I'm going to run a marathon.

And I'm outing myself here on the interweb thingy so that the three and a half people who read this blog will keep me honest.

I'm aiming for the Portland Marathon on October 1st. This race has several advantages over the Seattle Marathon: first, it's not three days after Thanksgiving, so the chance of a huge turkey-induced mid-race nap are lessened. Second, it's in Portland, so the chance that anyone I know will be running along laughing at how much I suck will be lessened. Third, it's relatively flat.

OK, that last one is actually the number one reason. When I looked at the Seattle marathon map and talked to a friend who has run it I realized that this city has a bunch of hills, and the course is apparently designed to climb all of them. Most importantly, it climbs up Madison from Lake Washington, an altitude gain of somewhere around 5,000 feet. The Portland marathon, on the other hand, appears to be run on a 26-mile-long mattress made of marshmallows and gatorade. Or maybe that's just wishfull thinking...in any case, it's relatively flat, as you can see from the graphs below (the Seattle marathon people don't chart the elevation gain because, well, that would scare everyone away).

Portland Marathon Elevation Chart



I haven't started "training" per se, since I don't think you can call wheezing on a tread mill for a half hour "training", but I am starting to run a bit. And I have a plan, thanks to a guy named Hal Higdon who apparently knows something about running.

My intermediate goal is the 8k (5 mile) "Beat the Bridge" race in May, so if you're in Seattle and would like to join me, let me know. And if you're a runner and have any tips (other than "you old fart, just give it up") send me those too!

Happy New Year!

So according to this site, the year of the Dog will be "...a year for reflection and to assess ones values. There will be disturbances, revolts, but as the Dog is always on the lookout, honesty will always rule the day. This year will see great benevolent and idealistic deeds and various unusual changes; a time when broadmindedness and fairness will be supported. Although this year is one of great cynicism a sense of balance and tranquility will be upheld."

Well, with a name like Chicken I had to like last year (year of the Rooster). Then again, I'm a Horse by birth, and am therefore very compatible with Dogs (although I find they make me sneeze...). Unfortunately, at least according to the site linked above, "The Horse has a difficult relationship with Snake". And, naturally, Mrs. Chicken is a Snake.

It was 20 years ago today...

Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play. And what they played was Taps for the crew of the Space Shuttle Challenger.

This was my "JFK" moment. I vaguely remember where I was when Regan was shot (Jr. High...I think I watched some of it on a portable black and white TV in the gym teacher's office), but I have crystal clear memories of Challenger:

I was a freshman in college and was foolishly taking Calc 3 (without the help of software or web sites like this). The class, as all math classes were for Freshmen, met at 8 in the morning. 4 days a week. Cruel and unusual punnishment.

As I recall (and this part isn't as crystal clear) it was a clear, crisp winter day in Walla Walla. I got up, probably ate some Froot Loops for breakfast, and went off to class. I was way behind, struggling in the class and pondering dropping it. The prof was late. I secretly hoped he wouldn't show so I could go back to sleep.

He showed up about 5 minutes late and asked the class "have any of you seen the news?"

"Uh...no..." we answered (he apparently had forgotten that we were college freshmen and therefore didn't care about the news. And we were all still asleep anyway.)

"Well, something big has happened. As soon as class is over, go find a TV and watch the news. Now, we were talking about how to integrate the fifth quadratic of the fiftieth multi-variable" (ok, this part is garbled...as I said, I was about to drop the class).

Class ends, I head back to the dorm to find the one guy who has a TV in his room (a tv with a nicely jury-rigged UHF aentenna so he can pick up the local TV station out of the Tri-Cities. And that's when I see this (only in motion...):

I'm pretty certain that most of the guys in my section blew off our classes that morning just watching that sucker blow up again...and again...and again...it was like the video of Joe Theisman's leg breaking: you just couldn't look away (if you've never seen that and you're a glutton for punnishment, thanks to the wonder of the internets it's here. But don't say I didn't warn you).

Well, there go my summer plans...

And just when I'd saved up the money for the ticket!

Washington lawmakers seek ban on sale of overseas sex tours

Note to self...

Do not try to cure the hiccups with a hand gun.

A sure sign of the appocolypse:

The Seahawks are Super Bowl bound.

But the impending rapture (and my remaining behind to writhe in a pit of lava or whatever) is in no way making me less giddy about the fact that the Seahawks are Super Bowl bound.

Yeah, it's the marketing...

It's not that they make a crappy beer. No...must be the
marketing campaign.

My fish is on the short bus

Well, according to this I need to get my fish some help. But fortunately, "There are hundreds of wonderful Owners of Mentally Challenged Pets support groups, where you can network and learn many helpful hints for dealing with your damaged darlings," says Wachtel. "Life's hard enough without a mentally challenged pet making you mentally unstable!"

Things I don't want to go swimming with

This:

OK, where can you get these?

My sisters had these back in the '70s and they were the coolest umbrellas in town. So...anyone know where to get them? 'cause I think my kids would flip. The daughter would, anyway, especially since it's bigger than the Hamtoro umbrella she got for Christmas...

I do not like them, Sam I Am!

I do not like green eggs and ham!

OK, so there aren't any eggs in the picture. But it is a green ham. A fluorescent green ham. And it's brought to you by your friends in Taiwan. Thanks, stem cell researchers! I've been looking for some bacon to match my highlighters for years!

Five weeks to go...

Saw this picture and thought "man, if I was the photographer I'd seriously be hoping we didn't have one of those "agony of defeat" moments...

Opening ceremonies are on Feb. 10th. Mark your calendar.

Wow...

Back in the day I drove a 1988 Mercury Tracer, nicknamed "Mexi Car." Mexi had some leaks. Those leaks led to both interesting plant life in the carpets and lots and lots of water on the windows. I complained about it constantly and kept a squeegee in the front to wipe off the windshield so I could see to drive.

Well, after reading this I'll never complain about that again.

Holy crap! Take 32:

Boy, 11, OK After Truck Runs Over His Head

"All I remember about it was that when the truck ran over my head, I could hear my bones crack," he said.

Grandpa (who was driving the truck when it ran over him) had this to say: "Maybe he has an exceptionally hard head."

Maybe, Grandpa. Maybe. But whatever the reason the kid survived I'm nominating you for "luckiest sumbitch of the week."

Things I don't want in my ear, number 72

A black Spider the size of a thumbnail. Or, really, any spider of any size or color.

Weather update

For those of you who wonder "doesn't it rain all the time in Seattle?" I'd like to say "technically no, but it definitely feels like that during the winter."

We're in the middle of a big ol' rainy streak right now, so it certainly feels like it's been raining for ever. But it's actually only since December 19th...the info below is from KOMO's weather page:

Rain Streak Watch

Monday was the 22nd consecutive day with measurable rain in Seattle.

This ties it for fourth-longest all-time rainy streak in Seattle. Here's the Top 5 rainiest streaks:

• #1 - 33 days from Jan. 6 - Feb. 7, 1953
• #2 - 25 days from Jan. 28 - Feb. 21, 1961
• #3 - 24 days from Nov. 10 - Dec. 3, 1953
• #4 - 22 days from Dec. 18, 1964 - Jan. 8, 1965
• Tie - 22 days from Dec. 19, 2005 - Jan. 9, 2006 (current)
• #5 - 19 days set three times.

(Yes, the record is 33 days. There is some rumor going around about streak of rain of 80, 90, or even 100 days in the winter of 1998-99. While that was a rainy winter, the longest streak during that time frame was 18 days. It did rain on 94 of the 120 days between Nov. 1 and Feb. 28, but there were enough dry days in there to stop any streaks.

In fact, it was a full day of sunshine on Nov. 7, 1998 as well as Jan. 2 and Mar. 6 in 1999, so no 90-day rain streaks there :) )

Man, some sysads have NO sense of humor...

Student accused of trying to crash school's computer system

Oh, sure, arrest the guy who comes up with the idea but not the other kids who logged in and hit "F5"...

Insert "moon" pun here...

Judge Clears Md. Man Accused of Mooning

"...attorney James Maxwell said the Debelius ruling should "bring comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers" in the state." "

Show footage...

OK, so we played a show on New Year's Eve at a little place called the Blue Moon Tavern. The Blue Moon is, not to mince words, a dive. A historic dive, but a dive nonetheless. And many of the regular clientelle resemble no one so much as ol' Blue a couple posts down.

The thing with people who regularly frequent dive bars is that, by and large, they are drunks. And I'm not talking your standard frat boy recreational drinker, these guys are professionals. With many, many years in the bottle. And perhaps a few hits of meth (if meth comes in hits...I'm not really up on my meth-speak) to keep them awake.

So, you combine New Year's Eve revelry with a band wearing chicken suits and a group of professional drinkers, then throw in a cover of a heavy metal song and you get something like this. (Link requires Quicktime...)

Happy New Year!

Hope you rang in 2006 in high style, especially if you were able to join us at the Blue Moon last night. The show rocked, and since JJ (the Blue Moon's booking guy and the keeper of the Blue Moon blogspot page) wasn't there I'm not sure there will be a write-up on that site, so here goes...

The Scott Chicken posse (consisting of Mrs. Chicken, Steve and Kay Chicken, and our friends Chico and The Pam) rolled in at around 9:45 and caught the last 20 minutes of Hart and the Hurricane, who did what they do well (not my style of music, but those that liked their stuff liked it a lot). Next up was Sweatband who were best summed up by my friend Eric who said "they kind of sound like Dead Kennedys.

Sweatband's set lasted until about 11:15, and we hit the stage. We ended up playing for about an hour and fifteen minutes, probably highlighted by the surprise guest vocals from "Toothless Hobo" on our cover of AC/DC's "Back In Black". If anyone got a picutre of this guy by all means send him my way, 'cause we need to add him to the web site!

Next up, a gig at The Fabulous Rainbow (right next door to the Blue Moon, on 45th in the U-District) on February 12th. Show starts at 8, there's a $5 cover, and we're playing with the wonderfully crazed Sacred Truths. Hope you can make it!

Two band-related things

So the most important rock band in the world has two pieces of news for you.

1. Show tonight!
We're playing the Blue Moon tavern tonight with Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband. Hart starts at 9:30, Sweatband at around 10:30, and we hit the stage at 11:45.

2. We've got a MySpace site
We've joined the whatever age it is now where you judge your popularity by how many "friends" you have. So come be our friend so we don't feel so alone in the virtual world. Oh, and you can listen to some really old, really poor recordings of some of our songs there, too, so that's worth something!

And number three is...

'Patrick' Cranshaw. The guy who played "Blue" in "Old School." Not sure he's on a par with Mike Vale or Vince Schiavelli, but what the heck.

Real men of genius

Stole this from John over at Monkey Disaster. Takes a while to load, but it's a thing of beauty.

Flickr movie (video/quicktime)

Just to clarify...

Knitting is a hobby. Collecting stamps is a hobby. Lobbing bottles of your whizz into people's back yards is not a hobby.

"Tobler told police that it was a longtime hobby of his to deliver the bottles. Police searched his vehicle and found several other urine-filled bottles ready for delivery."

Two now...

Who will be the third to fill the required "three celebrity deaths"? This time it's veteran commercial character actor Michael "It's time to make the donuts" Vale.

Another one bites the dust...

All lightness aside, it's always sad when a "veteran character actor" dies, and I did love Vincent Schiavelli's work, even if I never knew his name. And while he was overshadowed by John Bigboote in "Buckaroo Banzai" his rendition of John O'Conner should have won him an Oscar.

RIP, Vincent!

Moron of the day

The last line says it all: “I don't know what (the amount of copper the man had) is worth,” Anderson said. “I know it's not worth his life.”

Man electrocuted while trying to steal copper wire from electrical station

Holy crap!

Uh, that's just wrong...Boy Scout Gets Knife Lodged In Brain

Happy Festivus!

In the spirit of Festivus I thought I’d take a moment to air a few of my grievances from 2005. And since the full list would take far too much space I thought I’d limit it to

First up, I am highly disappointed with the Seattle Monorail Board, who took a huge voter mandate last year – you remember 2004, when the Monorail Recall ballot measure was shot down by over 60% of the voters? – and turned it into a complete debacle. Thanks to your incompetence, Monorail Board, the dream of an elevated transit service for the citizens of Seattle will not be realized.

Next, continuing on the theme of the Monorail, I am deeply grieved by the Seattle City Council. While I expected Mayor Gridlock to pull his support of the Monorail – he’s been in bed with Light Rail since the beginning and clearly viewed the Monorail idea as a threat – I had hoped that the Council would show some cojones. But then, I forgot that this was an election year for several of our Council members, and standing up to the mayor in support of an idea that is unpopular yet clearly needed is not the political way. You are all weenies and should be voted out of office.

Next up are the Seattle Voters, for voting down the Monorail. Yes, the board screwed up. Yes, they were secretive and defensive. Yes, the mayor is a putz and pulled his support. Yes, the City Council are a bunch of weasels who caved to pressure from City Hall. But you, you are really to blame for the demise of the Monorail. You could have voted to save it, but you didn’t. Maybe you thought that by voting it down you’d get your car tab money back, but I’m sorry to say that’s not going to happen. Gridlock Greg will find a way to get his grubby hands on that tab money, probably to fund a replacement for the Viaduct or to give more money to the Sonics to rehab Key Arena 10 years after the last time we gave them money to rehab Key Arena, or possibly just to buy more donuts. In any case, don’t expect to see your license tabs drop any time soon.

And finally, turning to the national political situation, I’d like to slap the ultra-liberal left for ruining what was once a great political party. There was a time when the Democratic Party stood for something. Or rather, stood for something other than “Republicans Are Bad”. The Democratic Party is the party of Roosevelt and the New Deal. It’s the party of Kennedy and the idealism behind “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” But those days are far, far behind us and now the Democratic Party is the party of defeat. Howard Dean, party chairman, is on the news saying that it’s impossible to win in Iraq. John Kerry is on the news saying that Bush’s “stay the course” policy is the wrong one. My question to these gentlemen, and anyone else in the Democratic Party, is this: what’s your answer? I hear you complaining about the current situation, but I don’t hear anyone suggesting anything new. Pull out everyone now? Do you REALLY think that’s the best move, leaving Iraq in a complete power vacuum? Withdraw half the troops? What happened to the “Bush and Rumsfeld didn’t send enough troops to do the job” claims from last year and the year before?

I suppose the crux of my grievance against the Democratic Party is that it no longer stands for anything positive, just a huge vat of negatives. And negatives don’t inspire people to work to achieve something good, they don’t inspire people to solve problems, and the most certainly don’t win elections.

With that, I wish you a happy Festivus. I’m off to challenge the wife in the Feats of Strength. Please entertain yourselves by reading these other Festivus-related sites:

• http://festivusbook.com/ the website for the rest of us
• http://www.festivuspoles.com/pages/Festivuspoles.htm your source for Festivus poles
• http://www.vidlit.com/festivus/ the top 5 things you need to know about Festivus

Letterman Lawyers Fight Restraining Order

"Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' since May 1994."

Man, Letterman STILL causes me sleep deprivation, but that doesn't mean I'm taking out a restraining order against the guy! But then, I'm not crazy...

Judge Rules Against 'Intelligent Design'

Glad to see there are still judges out there who understand the difference between faith and science.

True war crimes

If there was any justice in the world the management at KOMO AM 1000 would be in the Hague facing a tribunal for crimes against humanity.

Things that would suck, #379

Being squished by a tree while kickin' it in your living room. Thanks a lot, ice storm!

"In Kannapolis, North Carolina, just north of Charlotte, authorities say the weight of that ice buckled a 100-foot-tall tree that crushed 58-year-old David Ralph Jones while he reclined on a couch in his living room."

Clearly I'm parking in the wrong lots...

- Heart-broken stranger gives away $15,000 ring

Sad...

I know, I know, if I was a professional blogger this would have been posted yesterday at 8:03, but I'm a hack. Pathbreaking Comedian Richard Pryor Dies

As you probably know, Richard fought MS for about 20 years, continuing to perform (doing "sit down" comedy once he could no longer stand up) and inspiring others to fight this nasty, nasty disease. So, in honor of his passing and my sister's battle with MS I'd like all y'all to take a nice year-end tax break and donate to the MS Society.

My new favorite super hero:

Banana Boy

It's too bad the local PD hasn't acknowledged Banana Boy's status as a local crime fighter. Few things are sadder than a locked up super hero!

You can find pictures of the caped crusader here.

It's like "My Name is Earl"!

Only with God and Jesus instead of Carson Daly and Karma. Oh, and none of the people involved are criminals. And it's not as funny. Other than that it's just the same.

Man searches fields, trash bins for lottery ticket

Ah, tolerance...

Now, I'm no Ann Coulter fan or anything, but I had to laugh at this quote:

"We encourage diverse opinion at UConn, but this is blatant hate speech," said Eric Knudsen, a 19-year-old sophomore journalism and social welfare major who heads campus group Students Against Hate.

Uh, yeah...that's right up there with "the only thing I can't tolerate is intollerance." Granted, Coulter is a hater not a lover, but really...if it had been Michael Moore on the stage calling George Bush a moronic monkey who only won in 2000 because his daddy packed the Supreme Court with people who would some day invalidate the votes of Florida's blacks do you think this guy would be saying "this is blatant hate speech"? Or is it defined as hate speech because what she hates is what he believes in?

Ann Coulter to audience: You're stupider than I am

Didn't this already happen?

Or was it all just part of my fantasy life?

Bertinelli, Van Halen divorcing

Nothing says "Merry Christmas"...

...like an Amtrak Hoodie.


-----Forwarded Message-----
From: Amtrak
Sent: Dec 6, 2005 10:52 AM
To: Scott Chicken
Subject: Scott, Shop at the Amtrak Store and Receive a Free Reward

Amtrak Store Gift Certificates Send an E-Card

Dear Scott, Happy Holidays from the Amtrak Store! We would like to show you our appreciation for your patronage and support throughout the year and especially during this holiday season. When you purchase $100 or more of merchandise in one order you will receive a FREE 1/110 scale Ertl Porcelain Genesis Engine* (retail value $31.99). When you purchase $50 - $99 worth of merchandise in one order you will receive a surprise Special Gift* (retail value $5 to $10). This holiday season, give your family and friends the gift of travel on Amtrak! Get your Amtrak gift certificates now at the Amtrak online store. Or choose from a wide variety of high-quality Amtrak merchandise — perfect for the train enthusiast on your list. Shop now for the best selection! Youth Hooded Sweatshirt Made for youth with ribbed cuffs and waist. Features double-lined drawstring hood with metal grommets and front muff pocket. Machine wash. USA. In ash with embroidery. $18.00 Jackets, Shirts and Clothing Wrist, Pocket and Youth Watches Toys, Gifts and Fun Travel Bags and Totes * Gifts available while supplies last. One gift per order. The Free Gift Offer is not valid with Gift Certificate Purchases. Order merchandise by December 16, 2005 to receive by Christmas without rush charges. Order Gift Certificates by December 19, 2005 to receive by Christmas without rush charges. Back-ordered merchandise will not be available by Christmas. Thank you and we wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday season.

Headline of the day

Lawsuit over ape's 'nipple fetish' settled

OK, this is kind of cool...

I especially like hitting "all random" and seeing what comes up. But then I'm geeky like that...

Heromachine

Finally!

A way to keep the butter at that perfect spreadable temperature. Not that leaving it out on the counter didn't work, but still, in the summer it gets a bit runny...

Nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving"...

...like smacking the family in the head with a pipe. Yeesh...

Things that will screw you up for life

Killing your girlfriend by kissing her.

I've got a peanut allergy, but thankfully not a severe one. That is one fucked up magic show, Moses Malone.

Not the source of the leak...

Glad they cleared THAT up...

Jarvis States He Is Not Woodward Leak Source

Um...ewwww!

What, not enough borsht in Rostov-On-Don, Russia?

Russian Woman, Sons Accused of Cannibalism

The most f'd up thing I've read about in months

And it doesn't matter whether you read the Reuters version or this one from the AP version, it's nasty (both links pop). The headlines tell it all:

AP: "Ants Reportedly Eat Woman's Eye in India"
Reuters: "Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital"

Nice of the AP to put in that "reportedly" there, like maybe it didn't happen...of course, they're the ones that say the woman died, while Reuters mentions none of that.

In any case, having your eye eaten out of your head while you're in a hospital is the stuff of a Wes Craven movie. Remind me to always carry a big can of Raid and maybe some ant poison powder if I ever go to India, on the off chance that I end up in a Calcutta hospital.

Cool mom? Certainly. Hot mom? Hardly!

At least, not hot in this picture...who knows after a few bottles of tequila and some e...

'Cool mom' gets 30 years for sex parties

It was 30 years ago today...

Can't think of a good line to rhyme with that a la Sgt. Pepper. Anyhow, 30 years ago today a ship sank and led Gordon Lightfoot to write what is possibly the worst song ever recorded. Hope you found a good way to commemorate the event...maybe by burning Gordon in effigy or something.

This wasn't in the brochure...

Cruise liner outruns armed pirate boats

Look, honey! This one has golf, gourmet buffets and three swimming pools! Oh, and what's this? A chance of pirate attack? We are so there!

Information I could have used in college

What is the Ultimate Jell-O Shot?

Now this takes balls...

Not that you've got a lot to lose if you're on deat row, I suppose...hate to be the deputy that let this guy out!

Convicted killer dons street clothes, escapes from jail

Comment thingy is back up...

Thanks to BK for pointing out that the comment thingy was all messed up...I blame the wonder that is the wheel mouse. 'cause God knows I'd never purposely select to limit the few comments I get to "members", now, would I?

It's a great day for glue-based lawsuits

Although this one wasn't quite as personal as the other...wonder if he'd have sued if someone did the old "saran wrap over the bowl" trick?

Man Sues After Using Glue-Covered Toilet

This is wrong in so, so, SO many ways!

Man Sues Ex-Girlfriend Over Glue Attack

More fun for Brownie

All I can say is I hope I'm never investigated by a congressional committee, 'cause some of the crap I e-mail people about is nearly as assinine as Brownie's "I got it at Nordstroms...Are you proud of me?" e-mail.

CNN.com - 'Can I quit now?' FEMA chief wrote as Katrina raged - Nov 3, 2005

Another lost promotional opportunity...

...for the mighty Chicken Starship:

Naked chicken protesters ruffle Hong Kong feathers

Headline of the day...

Fire in a derelict Glasgow building; not many lawyers affected

Glad to hear most of the lawyers are OK!

Nut-cracking gorilla surprises scientists

We can only hope it surprises them by cracking them in the nuts...

You go, boy...

Ring that Bell.

(video clip, pops)

Wrong on so many levels

Not only is this an insane number of kids, but the all have names that start with "J" and it's clear that they used up the options in the name book ran out after the first couple. I mean, "Jinger?" That's a name?

Arkansas Mother Gives Birth to 16th Child

Brilliant!

Just in time for your Christmas shopping.

Putin, Bush and Blair to Appear on Ukrainian Toilet Paper

Another thing I'll never be able to do...

Style my hair like a hat.

To quote the gentlemen with hat hair (literally...): "Dem did love it," he said smiling. "Mi friends an' some of the girls said I win di hairstyle contest and buy mi a box a Guinness,"

This explains so much...

I always thought Ginny was a dude. We can only hope that in book 7 someone grabs her hair and tugs on it while yelling "She's a man, baby!"
Author says Harry Potter is gay

Yeah, it's the media's fault...

Best quote in the article: "I need one more great movie role so they say, `Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone."

One more great movie role? Which one was the first great role? The one in "My Boss's Daughter," "American Pie" or "Van Wilder?" Or maybe she means her role on "Taradise" on E!
Tara Reid Laments Her Rep As Party Girl - Yahoo! News

That's one way to get rid of the evidence...

Expect to see this one on next year's smash hit, CSI: Johannesburgh.

S. African gets life sentence for feeding man to lions

Holy crap!

Man, you think you're safely escaping the hurricane, then your bus explodes. "The fire was believed to have started in the bus's brake system and may have caused oxygen canisters on the bus to explode."

Speaking of things that confuse me...

Girl weds lover's brother to beat the law.

What will those crazy Indians think of next?

Phone Dealer Arrested in Sex Videos Case

OK, this is f'd up in SO many ways I can hardly count them. First off, shooting amateur porn on a cell phone? Yeesh! Secondly, who was he selling it to? And why so cheap?

Clearly I'm not using my phone right...

Is that a pickle in Oregon's pocket?

Or is it just happy to see Idaho?

Growing land bulge found in Oregon

Words I didn't think I'd ever hear...

Bush: 'I take responsibility' for federal failures on Katrina

Better late than never, I suppose...

More on Katrina...

Some "reader responses" from the Harvard Business School's "HBS Working Knowledge" web site. My favorites:

"The "coulda/shoulda" comments offered by arrogant, distant observers are worth little compared to the compassion and humility of those on-site who are actually doing the best they can."

"...the ultimate responsibility for our own survival is our own preparation. If we are prepared to help ourselves, we will be better able to help others who might be infirm or incapable of judgment."

Amen to that!

Katrina lessons

Sure, it's focused on IT management, but it's a good analysis of the "lessons learned" (to further over-use some business jargon) from Hurricane Katrina. Just note that the main article changes weekly, so if you don't read this by the 18th or so you'll have to register on the site so you can get to the archive).

Man Fired for Eating Pizza Wins Contest

Well, if you're going to get fired for eating pizza you should at least get SOMETHING out of the deal...not sure that a cruise with rejects from The Apprentice is what he had in mind, but hey, beggars can't be choosers!

Morons of the week, New Zealand edition

Clearly these guys didn't watch enough Road Runner when they were young...

High-Tech Door Better than Star Trek

Dang, that's one cool looking door...although if you view the video (requires RealPlayer) you'll see that all the bugs aren't worked out of it quite yet.

NC-17alicious!

"'I just heard the deciding factor could be thrusting. Apparently, anything over three thrusts and you're in trouble. Well, nobody told me. . . .'"

Ah, those silly directors...

Headline of the day

Maybe the week...

Kerry attends funeral with blow-up sex dolls

Things you don't want to happen to you

Near the top of the list, getting operated on by a doctor using surgical instruments washed in hydraulic fluid.

Afghan Laser Buddhas

While that's a great band name, this is more of an art project. I doubt they'll be playing Dark Side of the Moon, though...

It must be summer...

'cause the naked people are coming out in droves. They're swimming, they're going to Subway, they're standing by the window, and some of them are advertising it.

Well, at least none of them are shooting or getting married in cemetaries, 'cause that would just be weird.

Mariners pitcher suspended for violating steroids policy

You know, I don't know if Ryan Franklin's violation was similar to Raffy Palmiero's (I believe he didn't know it was in his "energy drink" or whatever), but I can say this: it sure didn't help him much! I mean, the guy is 6 - 11! If you're going to juice, the least you could do is have a winning record!

Yow!

I'm glad I'm not this bird. The last couple seconds of the video are great.

(The link goes to a web page with the video embedded...there's also a "download" link, which is the only way I was able to get it to work)

Great sports headline...

Heh heh...heh heh...he said Wankdorf...

Long live the Wolf!

Not only are they important to their ecosystems, they also have cool howls and stuff...

Top quote in the article: "as a society we have advanced beyond wildlife management by just shooting things." Please note, this is only about WILDLIFE Management. And it's in Canada to boot...