Best. Headline. Ever.

Operation removes lightbulb from anus

And the key line in the article: "We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation."

Complicated indeed.

Rush vs ED...

Well, it appears that America's favorite wind bag is having a little deflation problem.

Man, first the Vioxx, then the Viagra...what V drugs are left? Vallium, I suppose, but that's so, oh, 70s.

A man with a mission:

To make the World's Largest Rubber Band Ball.

Because someone had to do it...

If only I'd seen this before Father's Day...

'cause every Dad needs a Stonehenge Watch. Just look at these features!

• Pocket watch with chain
  
• Scale replica of the major components of the 5,000 year-old megalithic monument
  
• Analog watch on the reverse side of the watchcase
  
• Includes: watch, chain, shadow casting gnomon, working compass and instructions

And, as importantly, shouldn't "Shadow Casting Gnomons" be the name of a band? Yes, yes it should.

Well, duh...

Thanks to a Rat study we now have further proof that eating dirt as a kid is a good idea. For Father's Day I'll take 'em out back and start them in on the mud pies.

Nominee for understatement of the week

From a story on CNN.com with the delightful headline "Severed head flies from truck in 'bizarre and tragic' collision":

"It was one of the more horrific and complex crime scenes on memory," Hightower said. "A woman and her child killed in a crash, and a severed head from an earlier homicide: It's nothing short of bizarre and tragic."

From the "I may not know art, but I know what I like" school of thinking

Art gallery loses its head, displays plinth

"Plinth" being the thing that the sculpture stands on. Apparently the sculpture (a head) and the stand were separated and, according to a statement by the Royal Academy, "Given their separate submission, the two parts were judged independently. The head was rejected. The base was thought to have merit and accepted."

Man, that must have been once nice plinth. Or one really crappy head...

Yet another favorite web site

Google Idol. Unearthing the world's talent...so you don't have to.

As fun as the auditions for American Idol are, wouldn't it be better if the people were lip-synching to real singers' work on a web cam? Of course it would. Which is why Google Idol is so darn great. It almost makes me want to bust a move.

Almost.

Logan's directorial debut

So Logan Chicken, age 9, is now a director of film. I'll post more of his work at a later date, but here's his first forray in to the world of stop-motion animation. I served as technical consultant, camera man, and Lego-wrangler, although he handled the shark's exit (which, I hope you'll agree, is far more realistic than his lame entrance).

What I love possibly most of all is that the "Handless Guy" is smiling as he walks off. And now, without further ado, here it is:

Handless Guy (Because of shark)

My new favorite web site

Where can you see the Internet's finest lip synch stars? Google Idol, that's where.

Adding to the list...

The list of people I don't really want to see topless: Deputy Dawn Rene Roberson of the Garland County, Arkansas, sheriff's department. Apparently she was on several other peoples' list too, 'cause they called the authorities on her and now she's out of a job.

Proof?

So, I read the following quote in this story on Yahoo's news page today: " 'The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions,' the official said. 'A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery.' "

So, is that conclusive proof that God does not exist? I'd have to say no, it just proves that if God does exist she's perfectly willing to let people kill themselves. And I have no problem with that.

Police statement of the week

"'We're not saying this is illegal,' Balzano said. 'We would just like to know what it means.'"

Run Recap

Just realized I'd forgotten to post a recap of the Over the Dam Run, or as the back of the shirt says, "The Best Run By A Dam Site."

Well, the words that pop to mind are hot, dry, painful, and fun. I survived. I was not the last person to cross the finish line. Nor was I the last man to cross the finish line. Nor was I lapped by any of the half-marathon runners (although it was close...the first of them came in about 15 minutes after me).

At the same time, I was not fleet of foot. I made about the time I expected (I think the official time was 1:14 or so). Could I have run faster? Possibly. But I didn't.

My results:

• 95th overall (out of 116 10k runners)
• 54th out of 58 men
• Last (7th) in my age group (35 - 39)
  

Elements that acted against me that I will need to focus on in the future:

1. Weather: I'm from Seattle. It's cool and damp most of the time, and I like that. The run was in Grand Coulee where it is warm and dry. The marathon is in Portland in September where it will likely be warm or hot and dry-ish. Fortunately, it will be hot and dry-ish this summer when I'm racking up the miles.
2. Hills: the course had two fairly brutal hills. My training route doesn't. The Marathon has one killer hill at mile 17 and another one somewhere else. I need to start shifting my training route to work in more hills, clearly!
3. Food: my normal running time is around 5 AM. I get up, drink some water, hit the Albuterol, get dressed and head out. I don't eat until I'm back and out of the shower. On race day I got up and dressed, ate, then drove for 2 hours to the race site. I then ate a banana and some "SportBeans" (which, I might add, are delicious) and drank more water. This, plus the sun and hills, led to some gastric distress and resulted in a pit stop at about mile 3.5. As the milage increases I'm going to have to figure out how to manage the energy level so I don't hit the wall too early (or at all). Any suggestions, anyone?

You go, Willie!

From Contactmusic.com:

"American singer WILLIE NELSON uses marijuana to judge the quality of the new melodies he writes. The 73-year-old has smoked cannabis for most of his adult life and is a campaigner to have the drug legalised. And he insists smoking joints helps rather than hinders his songwriting. He says, 'I figured if it wasn't worth remembering it probably wasn't a very good song, so that would be the test, to see if I remembered it (after smoking a joint and) got back to a guitar or a piano. 'That was usually a pretty good measuring stick, but I'm sure I forgot a few that might have been OK.'"

Headline of the week: BBC axes pole dancing

From our good friends at The Sun Online. Apparently they were going to do a "Pole Dancing With the Stars" show or something, then cut it when people complained. Sissies.

"Protect and Serve?" Apparently not in Baltimore...

Lots of punch lines to go with this one, but I'll go with the obvious: "here's why you don't stop to ask directions."

Couple Arrested For Asking For Directions

And why is this relevant?

So in today's Seattle PI there's an article with this headline: Utility pays $8 million in fatal gas explosion. It tells the tale of Frances Schmitz, a 68-year-old woman from Bellevue whose house exploded due to corrosion of a gas line. She was horribly burned, died as a result, and the family sued. All well and good.

Then you get to the last line of the article: "Schmitz was the sister of Seattle strip-club magnate Frank Colacurcio Sr."

Why does that matter? Does it make her family less worthy of the settlement than if her brother had been, say, a Priest or Rabbi? Or does her brother's profiting from the baser natures of man make her a target for God's wrath via Puget Sound Energy? Or was it just a factoid the reporters had on hand and they figured they'd better put it in somewhere?

Finally, some good legal news

If you've ever seen my swing, you know why this is important.

Golfer Not Liable for Errant Golf Ball

Real Men of Genius

Well, real boys of genius, anyway...

Teen Says Friend Asked to Be Hit With Car

Man, I wish I had a tape of that little conversation...