Word of the day

Courtesy of the fine folk at the Urban Dictionary: Rail:

1. Rail

To fornicate with, without regard for emotional attachment.

I want to rail your sister, hard.

There are 18 other definitions (most involving drugs), but this is the only one that mentioned your sister.

From the people who brought you the Duct Tape Chemical Attack Safety Plan

Your friends at FEMA, or Homeland Security, or whatever Government Agency is in charge of the next major panic would like you to remain calm and review the safety instructions at PandemicFlu.gov.

There, you will learn that the Government's Pandemic Planning Assumptions are "based largely on the 1918 influenza epidemic"

You'll also learn that, for example, Washington State "will receive $1,990,994 from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) to use for pandemic planning activities." Glad they didn't round that up to an even $1,991,000 for us... (find out what YOUR state is getting here)

Darwin at work: Soap Lake man selected out

There's no picture of the guy, but we can only assume he had a mullet...

From the Seattle PI:

Soap Lake man electrocuted while trying to reconnect power
SOAP LAKE, Wash. -- A man whose electrical service was cut off because of unpaid bills was electrocuted while trying to restore power to his isolated rural home, Grant County sheriff's deputies said.
Joseph M. Sims, 44, fell 20 feet to the ground and could not be revived after he was hit by 7,620 volts of electricity while using two large metal poles to try to reinstall a fuse in the line to the rental home about seven miles northeast of this central Washington town, deputies and Coroner Jerry D. Jasman said.
He made the attempt several hours after his residence was disconnected by the Grant County Public Utility District on Monday for nonpayment, sheriff's Deputy John Turley said.

Cool product of the week

Yeah, I know that the headline makes it seem like I do a cool product every week. But still, the SawStop is a really cool product. If I a) had a bunch of money, b) had a shop, and c) still did any wood-working I'd buy this sucker in a heartbeat.

The "Hot Dog Demo" video (Windows Media or QuickTime) would have been more impressive if it was the guy's finger, but hey, it's still pretty darn cool.

Father of the year

I'm not sure exactly what is the worst thing about this picture. Is it the matching haircuts? Is it Dad's slightly evil look that leads me to believe he's eyeing a nubile young high-school cheerleader? Is it that Dad appears to be riding a BMX bike? Or is it the whole "taking the kid on a bike ride in a backpack with no helmet while talking on a cell phone" thing?

Holy Wally World, Batman!

Man, 4 hours in a school bus is rarely fun, but to spend those 4 hours on the bus only to learn that the Amusement Park is closed is, I'm guessing, even LESS fun. Wouldn't have wanted to be the teacher that broke THAT little piece of news!

I'm a little behind the times...

I didn't realize someone had developed a guide for those who do not want the Earth to be there anymore.

Thankfully, people who know this kind of thing are putting it on the web where we can all find it. Personally, I'm in favor of #4, "Meticulously and systematically deconstructed".

Another invention you didn't know you needed

The inflating thumb drive.

I won't be doing this October 1st

No Joggling for me. Nor anything approaching a 3 hour time.

Nor was I aware before reading this that there was such a thing as the "International Sport Juggling Federation. Not that you'll learn anything from their web site, but the pictures are nice.

The Saint Paul Saints strike again

Yet another genius give-away from America's favorite baseball team. 'cause nothing says "Hometown Giveaway" like "Make fun of the local NFL team's misadventures!"

Unfortunately, the boat doesn't come with a free pass for a lap dance.

And all this time I thought stretching was to KEEP you from getting hurt...

OK, I am officially middle-aged. I can no longer deny my middle-agedness. Why? Because my back went out.

Oh holy crap...

If I ever mocked you for your lower-back pain, I'm truly and deeply sorry.

Oh sweet Jesus make it stop...

So to set the stage, it's Tuesday. And Tuesday mornings I go running. Nothing huge, just 3 miles.

You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you!

Before I run, I stretch. The standard stuff...some hamstring hangs, calf stretches, a couple floor-based hamstring / buttock / inner thigh stretches. So I'm on the floor, doing that hammy stretch where your right foot is against your left thigh and you're reaching down to your left toe, and everything is going fine.

Goddamn I'm a woos...

And then it isn't. As far as I can tell, every single muscle in my lower back - and based on how it feels I'm guessing there are six million and seven of them - decided that it was time to contract. I believe in medical terms that's called a "spasm". In Scott Chicken terms it is called "Holy fuck that hurts!"

Hey, I think the massive dose of pain killers is finally starting to take effect...

So I ended up spending about 5 minutes on my hands and knees in the basement this morning, thinking "Gee, its 4:45 AM, no one's awake, and I can't move. This isn't good."

Oh yeah they are...

So I finally got to my feet without exploding, hobbled up stairs, ate a banana, and had some Oxycontin I had left over from last summer's gum surgery. And now I'm waiting for it to kick in, and the doctor's office to open so I can go get more and better drugs.

Hey look, birdies!

Then I'll spend the rest of the day trying to find a position to sit that doesn't hurt. Whee!

Please feel free to laugh and/or commiserate as you see fit!

The Federal Bureau of Unfortunate Names strikes again

From our friends at CNN.com, an article about how a FEMA / Homeland Security report on criticism of FEMA's Katrina response shows most of it was deserved: "'Much of the criticism is warranted,' Inspector General Richard L. Skinner writes."

I want no part of any investigation headed by Inspector General Dick Skinner, thank you very much!

Forget Bird Flu...

Look out for the freakin' Mumps!

From Washington to Florida...

In Pasco the Mullet is the king of hair.

Even with $666,000 a year coming in, with hair like that you just ain't gonna pay no taxes.

Ancient Book May Be Covered in Human Skin - Yahoo! News

The last book I heard of being bound in human skin was the Necronomicon in the great "Evil Dead" series. But I must say, after reading this paragraph I must say I'm disturbed:

"The practice, known as anthropodermic bibliopegy, was sometimes used in the 18th and 19th centuries when accounts of murder trials were bound in the killer's skin."

The question is, am I more bothered by the fact that this practice has a scientific name, or by the odd sence of justice found in binding the trial account in the executed murderer's skin?

"German gnome historians"

I had no idea Garden Gnomes were such a hot topic in Germany. First David Hasselhof, now Gnomes.

Not sure what to think of this

I've never really needed a light show to look at a woman's chest...

Well, I suppose I'm committed

That or I should be committed. One of those.

I finally registered for the Portland Marathon. So now I'm about a hundred bucks poorer and I'm guaranteed a t-shirt and a bib. And a heaping helping of pain on October 1st. And 2nd. And, most likely, 3rd.

The one thing that worries me about the whole deal is not the two guys who died during the L.A. Marathon this year, 'cause they were old(er) and had probably eaten more donuts than me. No, it's the waiver I had to acknowledge having read when I registered. Here is the key first paragraph (the rest of it is a disclaimer for Active.com to get them off the hook if someone steals my credit card and buys a bunch of HDTVs)...I've highlighted the key points:

In consideration of your accepting this entry, I, the undersigned, intending to be legally bound, hereby, for myself, my family, my heirs, executers, and administrators, forever waive, release & discharge any and all rights & claims for damages & causes of suit or action known or unknown, that may have against The Portland Marathon, The Oregon Road Runners Club, The City of Portland, Multnomah County and all other political entities, the Portland Terminal RR Co., and it's owners, including PDC, Union Pacific, Southern Pacific & Burlington Northern Railroads, all independent contractors & construction firms working on or near the course, all Portland Marathon Race Committee persons, Officials & Volunteers, & all sporsors of the Marathon, & the related Marathon Events & their officers, directors, employees, agents & representatives, successors, & assigns, for any and all injuries that may be suffered by me in this event. I attest that I am physically fit, am aware of the dangers & precautions that must be taken when running in warm or cold conditions, & have sufficiently trained for the completion of this event. I also agree to abide by any decision of an appointed medical official relative to my ability to safely continue or complete the Run. I further assume and will pay my own medical & emergency expenses in the event of an accident, illness or other incapacity regardless of whether I have authorized such expenses. Further, I hereby grant full permission to The Portland Marathon and/or agents hereby authorized by them, to use any photographs, videotapes, motion pictures, recording, or any other record of this event for any legitimate purpose at any time. I further understand that there are no entry refunds, exchanges, transfers or rollovers, and that the event may be cancelled due to severe weather conditions, natural disasters, or threats to local and national security including suspected terrorist activity. I have read this waiver carefully & understand it.

OK...a couple of questions this brings to mind:

1. The Railroad bit: how many miles of train track am I going to be running on? I don't recall that from the brochure.
2. Weather: Man, this is a perfect legal disclaimer, isn't it? I mean, talk about covering your bases...it's October 1st in Portland. The average temperatures for Portland in October are 64 for a high and 44 for a low and a mean of 55. Granted, the extremes are pretty extreme - record high of 93 back in '87, and a record low of 33 back in '50, but I'm going to take my chances anyway.
3. Terrorist strike: Wait, there are terrorist threats against Marathons? What the hell? What kind of terrorist group would plan to bring the U.S. to it's knees by attacking a group of idiots running 26.2 miles in Portland freaking Oregon? I mean, the Boston marathon I can understand, 'cause it's famous. And the New York marathon makes sense 'cause it's in New York and everyone knows the Al Quaeda has hated New York ever since Osama couldn't get a cab home from watching Cats back in the 80s. But Portland? I think not.

One good thing about the run is they allow you to customize your bib number. So naturally mine will say "SChicken" on it, along with my mighty bib number 550 (they limited it to 8 letters...what could I d0?)