Two band-related things

So the most important rock band in the world has two pieces of news for you.

1. Show tonight!
We're playing the Blue Moon tavern tonight with Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband. Hart starts at 9:30, Sweatband at around 10:30, and we hit the stage at 11:45.

2. We've got a MySpace site
We've joined the whatever age it is now where you judge your popularity by how many "friends" you have. So come be our friend so we don't feel so alone in the virtual world. Oh, and you can listen to some really old, really poor recordings of some of our songs there, too, so that's worth something!

And number three is...

'Patrick' Cranshaw. The guy who played "Blue" in "Old School." Not sure he's on a par with Mike Vale or Vince Schiavelli, but what the heck.

Real men of genius

Stole this from John over at Monkey Disaster. Takes a while to load, but it's a thing of beauty.

Flickr movie (video/quicktime)

Just to clarify...

Knitting is a hobby. Collecting stamps is a hobby. Lobbing bottles of your whizz into people's back yards is not a hobby.

"Tobler told police that it was a longtime hobby of his to deliver the bottles. Police searched his vehicle and found several other urine-filled bottles ready for delivery."

Two now...

Who will be the third to fill the required "three celebrity deaths"? This time it's veteran commercial character actor Michael "It's time to make the donuts" Vale.

Another one bites the dust...

All lightness aside, it's always sad when a "veteran character actor" dies, and I did love Vincent Schiavelli's work, even if I never knew his name. And while he was overshadowed by John Bigboote in "Buckaroo Banzai" his rendition of John O'Conner should have won him an Oscar.

RIP, Vincent!

Moron of the day

The last line says it all: “I don't know what (the amount of copper the man had) is worth,” Anderson said. “I know it's not worth his life.”

Man electrocuted while trying to steal copper wire from electrical station

Holy crap!

Uh, that's just wrong...Boy Scout Gets Knife Lodged In Brain

Happy Festivus!

In the spirit of Festivus I thought I’d take a moment to air a few of my grievances from 2005. And since the full list would take far too much space I thought I’d limit it to

First up, I am highly disappointed with the Seattle Monorail Board, who took a huge voter mandate last year – you remember 2004, when the Monorail Recall ballot measure was shot down by over 60% of the voters? – and turned it into a complete debacle. Thanks to your incompetence, Monorail Board, the dream of an elevated transit service for the citizens of Seattle will not be realized.

Next, continuing on the theme of the Monorail, I am deeply grieved by the Seattle City Council. While I expected Mayor Gridlock to pull his support of the Monorail – he’s been in bed with Light Rail since the beginning and clearly viewed the Monorail idea as a threat – I had hoped that the Council would show some cojones. But then, I forgot that this was an election year for several of our Council members, and standing up to the mayor in support of an idea that is unpopular yet clearly needed is not the political way. You are all weenies and should be voted out of office.

Next up are the Seattle Voters, for voting down the Monorail. Yes, the board screwed up. Yes, they were secretive and defensive. Yes, the mayor is a putz and pulled his support. Yes, the City Council are a bunch of weasels who caved to pressure from City Hall. But you, you are really to blame for the demise of the Monorail. You could have voted to save it, but you didn’t. Maybe you thought that by voting it down you’d get your car tab money back, but I’m sorry to say that’s not going to happen. Gridlock Greg will find a way to get his grubby hands on that tab money, probably to fund a replacement for the Viaduct or to give more money to the Sonics to rehab Key Arena 10 years after the last time we gave them money to rehab Key Arena, or possibly just to buy more donuts. In any case, don’t expect to see your license tabs drop any time soon.

And finally, turning to the national political situation, I’d like to slap the ultra-liberal left for ruining what was once a great political party. There was a time when the Democratic Party stood for something. Or rather, stood for something other than “Republicans Are Bad”. The Democratic Party is the party of Roosevelt and the New Deal. It’s the party of Kennedy and the idealism behind “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” But those days are far, far behind us and now the Democratic Party is the party of defeat. Howard Dean, party chairman, is on the news saying that it’s impossible to win in Iraq. John Kerry is on the news saying that Bush’s “stay the course” policy is the wrong one. My question to these gentlemen, and anyone else in the Democratic Party, is this: what’s your answer? I hear you complaining about the current situation, but I don’t hear anyone suggesting anything new. Pull out everyone now? Do you REALLY think that’s the best move, leaving Iraq in a complete power vacuum? Withdraw half the troops? What happened to the “Bush and Rumsfeld didn’t send enough troops to do the job” claims from last year and the year before?

I suppose the crux of my grievance against the Democratic Party is that it no longer stands for anything positive, just a huge vat of negatives. And negatives don’t inspire people to work to achieve something good, they don’t inspire people to solve problems, and the most certainly don’t win elections.

With that, I wish you a happy Festivus. I’m off to challenge the wife in the Feats of Strength. Please entertain yourselves by reading these other Festivus-related sites:

• http://festivusbook.com/ the website for the rest of us
• http://www.festivuspoles.com/pages/Festivuspoles.htm your source for Festivus poles
• http://www.vidlit.com/festivus/ the top 5 things you need to know about Festivus

Letterman Lawyers Fight Restraining Order

"Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' since May 1994."

Man, Letterman STILL causes me sleep deprivation, but that doesn't mean I'm taking out a restraining order against the guy! But then, I'm not crazy...

Judge Rules Against 'Intelligent Design'

Glad to see there are still judges out there who understand the difference between faith and science.

True war crimes

If there was any justice in the world the management at KOMO AM 1000 would be in the Hague facing a tribunal for crimes against humanity.

Things that would suck, #379

Being squished by a tree while kickin' it in your living room. Thanks a lot, ice storm!

"In Kannapolis, North Carolina, just north of Charlotte, authorities say the weight of that ice buckled a 100-foot-tall tree that crushed 58-year-old David Ralph Jones while he reclined on a couch in his living room."

Clearly I'm parking in the wrong lots...

- Heart-broken stranger gives away $15,000 ring

Sad...

I know, I know, if I was a professional blogger this would have been posted yesterday at 8:03, but I'm a hack. Pathbreaking Comedian Richard Pryor Dies

As you probably know, Richard fought MS for about 20 years, continuing to perform (doing "sit down" comedy once he could no longer stand up) and inspiring others to fight this nasty, nasty disease. So, in honor of his passing and my sister's battle with MS I'd like all y'all to take a nice year-end tax break and donate to the MS Society.

My new favorite super hero:

Banana Boy

It's too bad the local PD hasn't acknowledged Banana Boy's status as a local crime fighter. Few things are sadder than a locked up super hero!

You can find pictures of the caped crusader here.

It's like "My Name is Earl"!

Only with God and Jesus instead of Carson Daly and Karma. Oh, and none of the people involved are criminals. And it's not as funny. Other than that it's just the same.

Man searches fields, trash bins for lottery ticket

Ah, tolerance...

Now, I'm no Ann Coulter fan or anything, but I had to laugh at this quote:

"We encourage diverse opinion at UConn, but this is blatant hate speech," said Eric Knudsen, a 19-year-old sophomore journalism and social welfare major who heads campus group Students Against Hate.

Uh, yeah...that's right up there with "the only thing I can't tolerate is intollerance." Granted, Coulter is a hater not a lover, but really...if it had been Michael Moore on the stage calling George Bush a moronic monkey who only won in 2000 because his daddy packed the Supreme Court with people who would some day invalidate the votes of Florida's blacks do you think this guy would be saying "this is blatant hate speech"? Or is it defined as hate speech because what she hates is what he believes in?

Ann Coulter to audience: You're stupider than I am

Didn't this already happen?

Or was it all just part of my fantasy life?

Bertinelli, Van Halen divorcing

Nothing says "Merry Christmas"...

...like an Amtrak Hoodie.


-----Forwarded Message-----
From: Amtrak
Sent: Dec 6, 2005 10:52 AM
To: Scott Chicken
Subject: Scott, Shop at the Amtrak Store and Receive a Free Reward

Amtrak Store Gift Certificates Send an E-Card

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Headline of the day

Lawsuit over ape's 'nipple fetish' settled

OK, this is kind of cool...

I especially like hitting "all random" and seeing what comes up. But then I'm geeky like that...

Heromachine

Finally!

A way to keep the butter at that perfect spreadable temperature. Not that leaving it out on the counter didn't work, but still, in the summer it gets a bit runny...

Nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving"...

...like smacking the family in the head with a pipe. Yeesh...

Things that will screw you up for life

Killing your girlfriend by kissing her.

I've got a peanut allergy, but thankfully not a severe one. That is one fucked up magic show, Moses Malone.

Not the source of the leak...

Glad they cleared THAT up...

Jarvis States He Is Not Woodward Leak Source

Um...ewwww!

What, not enough borsht in Rostov-On-Don, Russia?

Russian Woman, Sons Accused of Cannibalism

The most f'd up thing I've read about in months

And it doesn't matter whether you read the Reuters version or this one from the AP version, it's nasty (both links pop). The headlines tell it all:

AP: "Ants Reportedly Eat Woman's Eye in India"
Reuters: "Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital"

Nice of the AP to put in that "reportedly" there, like maybe it didn't happen...of course, they're the ones that say the woman died, while Reuters mentions none of that.

In any case, having your eye eaten out of your head while you're in a hospital is the stuff of a Wes Craven movie. Remind me to always carry a big can of Raid and maybe some ant poison powder if I ever go to India, on the off chance that I end up in a Calcutta hospital.

Cool mom? Certainly. Hot mom? Hardly!

At least, not hot in this picture...who knows after a few bottles of tequila and some e...

'Cool mom' gets 30 years for sex parties

It was 30 years ago today...

Can't think of a good line to rhyme with that a la Sgt. Pepper. Anyhow, 30 years ago today a ship sank and led Gordon Lightfoot to write what is possibly the worst song ever recorded. Hope you found a good way to commemorate the event...maybe by burning Gordon in effigy or something.

This wasn't in the brochure...

Cruise liner outruns armed pirate boats

Look, honey! This one has golf, gourmet buffets and three swimming pools! Oh, and what's this? A chance of pirate attack? We are so there!

Information I could have used in college

What is the Ultimate Jell-O Shot?

Now this takes balls...

Not that you've got a lot to lose if you're on deat row, I suppose...hate to be the deputy that let this guy out!

Convicted killer dons street clothes, escapes from jail

Comment thingy is back up...

Thanks to BK for pointing out that the comment thingy was all messed up...I blame the wonder that is the wheel mouse. 'cause God knows I'd never purposely select to limit the few comments I get to "members", now, would I?

It's a great day for glue-based lawsuits

Although this one wasn't quite as personal as the other...wonder if he'd have sued if someone did the old "saran wrap over the bowl" trick?

Man Sues After Using Glue-Covered Toilet

This is wrong in so, so, SO many ways!

Man Sues Ex-Girlfriend Over Glue Attack

More fun for Brownie

All I can say is I hope I'm never investigated by a congressional committee, 'cause some of the crap I e-mail people about is nearly as assinine as Brownie's "I got it at Nordstroms...Are you proud of me?" e-mail.

CNN.com - 'Can I quit now?' FEMA chief wrote as Katrina raged - Nov 3, 2005

Another lost promotional opportunity...

...for the mighty Chicken Starship:

Naked chicken protesters ruffle Hong Kong feathers

Headline of the day...

Fire in a derelict Glasgow building; not many lawyers affected

Glad to hear most of the lawyers are OK!

Nut-cracking gorilla surprises scientists

We can only hope it surprises them by cracking them in the nuts...

You go, boy...

Ring that Bell.

(video clip, pops)

Wrong on so many levels

Not only is this an insane number of kids, but the all have names that start with "J" and it's clear that they used up the options in the name book ran out after the first couple. I mean, "Jinger?" That's a name?

Arkansas Mother Gives Birth to 16th Child

Brilliant!

Just in time for your Christmas shopping.

Putin, Bush and Blair to Appear on Ukrainian Toilet Paper

Another thing I'll never be able to do...

Style my hair like a hat.

To quote the gentlemen with hat hair (literally...): "Dem did love it," he said smiling. "Mi friends an' some of the girls said I win di hairstyle contest and buy mi a box a Guinness,"

This explains so much...

I always thought Ginny was a dude. We can only hope that in book 7 someone grabs her hair and tugs on it while yelling "She's a man, baby!"
Author says Harry Potter is gay

Yeah, it's the media's fault...

Best quote in the article: "I need one more great movie role so they say, `Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone."

One more great movie role? Which one was the first great role? The one in "My Boss's Daughter," "American Pie" or "Van Wilder?" Or maybe she means her role on "Taradise" on E!
Tara Reid Laments Her Rep As Party Girl - Yahoo! News

That's one way to get rid of the evidence...

Expect to see this one on next year's smash hit, CSI: Johannesburgh.

S. African gets life sentence for feeding man to lions

Holy crap!

Man, you think you're safely escaping the hurricane, then your bus explodes. "The fire was believed to have started in the bus's brake system and may have caused oxygen canisters on the bus to explode."

Speaking of things that confuse me...

Girl weds lover's brother to beat the law.

What will those crazy Indians think of next?

Phone Dealer Arrested in Sex Videos Case

OK, this is f'd up in SO many ways I can hardly count them. First off, shooting amateur porn on a cell phone? Yeesh! Secondly, who was he selling it to? And why so cheap?

Clearly I'm not using my phone right...

Is that a pickle in Oregon's pocket?

Or is it just happy to see Idaho?

Growing land bulge found in Oregon

Words I didn't think I'd ever hear...

Bush: 'I take responsibility' for federal failures on Katrina

Better late than never, I suppose...

More on Katrina...

Some "reader responses" from the Harvard Business School's "HBS Working Knowledge" web site. My favorites:

"The "coulda/shoulda" comments offered by arrogant, distant observers are worth little compared to the compassion and humility of those on-site who are actually doing the best they can."

"...the ultimate responsibility for our own survival is our own preparation. If we are prepared to help ourselves, we will be better able to help others who might be infirm or incapable of judgment."

Amen to that!

Katrina lessons

Sure, it's focused on IT management, but it's a good analysis of the "lessons learned" (to further over-use some business jargon) from Hurricane Katrina. Just note that the main article changes weekly, so if you don't read this by the 18th or so you'll have to register on the site so you can get to the archive).

Man Fired for Eating Pizza Wins Contest

Well, if you're going to get fired for eating pizza you should at least get SOMETHING out of the deal...not sure that a cruise with rejects from The Apprentice is what he had in mind, but hey, beggars can't be choosers!

Morons of the week, New Zealand edition

Clearly these guys didn't watch enough Road Runner when they were young...

High-Tech Door Better than Star Trek

Dang, that's one cool looking door...although if you view the video (requires RealPlayer) you'll see that all the bugs aren't worked out of it quite yet.

NC-17alicious!

"'I just heard the deciding factor could be thrusting. Apparently, anything over three thrusts and you're in trouble. Well, nobody told me. . . .'"

Ah, those silly directors...

Headline of the day

Maybe the week...

Kerry attends funeral with blow-up sex dolls

Things you don't want to happen to you

Near the top of the list, getting operated on by a doctor using surgical instruments washed in hydraulic fluid.

Afghan Laser Buddhas

While that's a great band name, this is more of an art project. I doubt they'll be playing Dark Side of the Moon, though...

It must be summer...

'cause the naked people are coming out in droves. They're swimming, they're going to Subway, they're standing by the window, and some of them are advertising it.

Well, at least none of them are shooting or getting married in cemetaries, 'cause that would just be weird.

Mariners pitcher suspended for violating steroids policy

You know, I don't know if Ryan Franklin's violation was similar to Raffy Palmiero's (I believe he didn't know it was in his "energy drink" or whatever), but I can say this: it sure didn't help him much! I mean, the guy is 6 - 11! If you're going to juice, the least you could do is have a winning record!

Yow!

I'm glad I'm not this bird. The last couple seconds of the video are great.

(The link goes to a web page with the video embedded...there's also a "download" link, which is the only way I was able to get it to work)

Great sports headline...

Heh heh...heh heh...he said Wankdorf...

Long live the Wolf!

Not only are they important to their ecosystems, they also have cool howls and stuff...

Top quote in the article: "as a society we have advanced beyond wildlife management by just shooting things." Please note, this is only about WILDLIFE Management. And it's in Canada to boot...

Sad news...

'Star Trek' Star James Doohan Dies

One of the perils of being named "Scott" is the innumerable "Beam me up, Scotty" references. I can only immagine what it must have been like to be the actual Scotty.

He'll be missed!

Police send nude shopper home with warning

Clearly this woman should be shopping in Freemont during the Solstice Parade!

We're going to eat out of a WHAT?

"'The taste is good, but I still feel disgusted when I look at it,' said diner Lin Yu-may."

That about sums up this toilet-themed restaurant in Taiwan.

I suppose this gives them a good tag line if someone complains that the food tastes like crap..."what did you expect? You're eating out of a freaking toilet!"

Man Lights Himself on Fire to Propose

Further proof that people from Grant's Pass Oregon are out of their freaking minds. At least he had the sense to get extinguished before he grabbed his fiance's hand.

Mmm Mmm Good!

Nothing like a truckload of rotting watermelons to make your day!

Yeah, I'm sure that's why...

Unhappy love affair explains Rice stance on Iran

Somehow I think there's more to it than being jilted by a man back in college...

Now THAT'S a lot of baby!

Baby girl weighs in at nearly 14 pounds

That's just under the combined weights of the two Junior Chickens at birth. Ouch!

A novel way to avoid arrest...

Strippers scare off tree guards

I like the term "Tree Mafia". What, if you cross them you get the top of a Ficus in your bed?

It's about time...

That something I like is now good for me. Dark chocolate seen healthy for arteries.

True to JAMA's mission statement of "more medicine and bigger words" is this quote: "The dilatory effect of chocolate under resting conditions can be attributed to improved nitric oxide bioavailability, prostacyclin increase, direct effect of chocolate in smooth muscle cells, or activation of central mechanisms,"

A thing of beauty...

I bet you never knew Tom was a Sith...

Mmm...honey...

I like honey and all, but 450 pounds of it seems like a bit much...

Graduation Rage?

Dude, you want a seat show up on time!

Ouch...

Man Swallows Key, Locksmith Uses X-Ray

I'm not sure I buy the "accidentally swallowed the key" thing. And the article doesn't mention how many sixpacks these boys had had before the swallowing, either.

Those crazy Canadians

I mean really...Motley Crue and Gordon Lightfoot on the same bill? I'm hoping Vince and Tommy give ol' Gordon a beatdown for his trouble.

Marijuana-Flavored Candy

Ah, that sweet, sweet grassy taste. Heck, if they still sell candy cigarettes why not candy joints?

Why I love eBay

Because everyone can get in on the fun of miraculous celebrity toast!

This stuff makes me tired...

OK, so I can understand that your religious beliefs might make you discount the Big Bang. And I can understand that you might want to go in for the whole "Intelligent Design" concept. And I understand that the theory of evolution is just that, a theory. But really...boycotting a movie because it MENTIONS Evolution? That's just crazy.

Ouch!

Man, this is not how I'd want to wake up!

Potato Farmers Loathe 'Couch Potato' Term

Well, I think the term "Red Headed Stepchild" is disrespectful to us redheads, but you don't see me protesting for it's removal from the dictionary...

'You've got to find what you love,'

Jeez, and to think that for my graduation we had then House Speaker Tom Foley. And I don't remember him saying anything this cool!

They're all crazy.

The British, that is...

Headline of the week

Or at least of the day...

Giant Balls of 'Snot' Explain Ocean Mystery

Bad kitty!

Bad! This is why we have fish...

Cats use fax as toilet, spark house fire

Another way to cut polution

So Biodiesel is supposed to make your car's exhaust smell like french fries. I don't think I want to know what this little device will make it smell like. Seriously. I don't.

Penguin STDs

Penguins can get chlamydia? Who knew?

Apartment full of desiccated corpses

No, it's not a new band name, it's an actual apartment. And it's actually full of desiccated corpses. Or it was, anyway, before they took 'em away...

Nothing says "secretive religious sect" like leaving dead Grandpa in his bed for 10 years...yeesh.

Dedication to the 30-minute guarantee

Now this guy is one dedicated pizza man! I don't think I'd continue to deliver the pies after being shot in the leg...

Man's leg lands in yard

Man, there are some things you just don't want to find in your yard. I think this one is close to the top of the list.

Soilent Green

Is made out of tofu? Does anyone else find this just...wrong? I mean, sure, if you're trapped in a plane crash in the Andes I can understand having a nice long pig steak, but do we REALLY need a non-meat product that tastes like human flesh?

"If we could get a real headhunter to do a taste test that would be best," he says. In the meantime, you'll have to take his word for it.

Maybe he can send some to that German guy to get his oppinion.

Gauss Rifle? Gauss Rifle!

Here's a cool demo of how to build a Gauss Rifle, if by "Gauss Rifle" you mean "Ruler that shoots steel marbles". Still the concept is the same - magnetic acceleration of a metal projectile. Sweet...

Car's alternative fuel said to attract bear

Yet again, those environmentalist hippies get what's coming to them. Actually, I have no problem with Biodiesel...I think it's a great way to curb our oil thirst, and you can't beat a car that smells like fries. Well, unless you're in bear country...

Poor Ken..

KenJen Schooled in "Jeopardy!" Showdown

After all the hype he comes in second. Still, $500,000 for second place isn't bad. Third place gets steak knives, fourth place you're fired.

Things that REALLY need pictures

Tiger Woods Subject of Butter Sculpture?

Fortunately for all of us, she's got her own web site and it's got what we want...the Last Supper sculpted out of butter. Jesus must be so proud.

Headline of the day

Man Gets 20 Days in Toy Banana Flashing

I think the next band I'm in will be named "Toy Banana Flashers"

Spaceships Will Appear Over Las Vegas On My Signal

Well, not MY signal, but Prophet Yahweh's signal.

For more information please feel free to visit Prophet Yahweh's web site at
http://www.prophetyahweh.com

And man, with a hat like this he'd better be able to summon SOMETHING!

Oh, sweet Jebus...

Who's brilliant idea was this? I mean, the Eagles and Kiss are one thing, but do we really need a Spice Girls reunion tour> Really ?

No longer just in the movies

Finally, REAL Deer hunters can use hand guns. No word on whether they'll be restricted to only one bullet.

Astronaut Asks Congress to Investigate Threatening Asteroid

Nothing will scare off a 1,000 foot diameter asteroid like the threat of a Congressional Investigation...

Of course, if they do send a robot probe up to the asteroid and determine it will indeed hit Earth, will they send up Brice Willis and Ben Aflek, or Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones? Oh, wait...they only fix satelites. My bad.

I vote they send up a small, triangle-shaped ship to shoot at the asteroid. It will take 7 shots to bring it down, since as we know the first shot splits the asteroid in two, and the second and third shots split those halves into two. Only when the asteroid is in quarters can you successfully destroy the small pieces. Just watch out for those freaking flying saucers. And stay off the hyperspace button.

Things I wish I'd thought of

Man, if only I'd thought of Pirate Pride Week or Ninja Respect Month when I was in college... And, more importantly, if only this guy hadn't made it up to make some stupid point or something. Stupid guy.

Hours of my life I'll never get back...

Why, Zeus, why? Why did I waste my time watching this piece of crap? I mean, sure, it's a good story and all, and I've been a fan of Greek mythology since I was a kid, but damn, you'd think they could have saved some money on casting and gotten a decent effects guy. CGI has it's place in the world, but this stuff was the modern version of the puppets in "Clash of the Titans" only not as charming.

Made me long for the old "Hercules" series. Even the incredibly hot Leelee Sobieski couldn't save this from the scrap heap. Thank the Gods I'm not a Neilson household any more!

Strap in...

It's going to be a bumpy ride. This is another reason I'm glad to live in the Pacific Northwest...no hurricanes, very rare tornadoes (and those, as always, limit themselves to trailer parks), not a lot of snow. All we have to worry about is killer earth quakes, volcanic eruptions and tsunamis, all of which are rare and relatively unpredictable and, therefore, easy to ignore!

Another Bad Hurricane Season Predicted

Reason #193 why I don't shop at WalMart

Customer Tackles Deer in Neb. Wal-Mart

The only thing that would make this story better is if the customer got a rifle and ammo out of the Sporting Goods department, shot the deer, then bled, cleaned and dressed it before tying it to the hood of his F-150 and heading home for dinner. But you can't have everything, now, can you?

How can you not...

...Blog a game called "Blogopoly"?

You can't. That's how.

Some identity theft info

I tend to not be very paranoid about this stuff. Perhaps I should be...

Can't do the "pay cash" thing, though, 'cause I'm addicted to airline miles.

A big day for pizza and "sexologists

A great day for my good friends at Reuters, and not a scare quote to be found.

First we have a pizza fighting crime, then we have a pizza committing crime. If only the two weren't a large ocean apart we could just sick 'em on each other and see who wins.

My money's on the pizza.

And lest you think that pizza is the only news of the day, rest assured that the world's top notch sexologists are hard at work. " 'Let me tell you, it was not easy finding these pictures,' Hunter College professor Jose E. Nanin told his audience in a seminar about "specialized" sexual behavior among gay men." Clearly this guy's never heard of the internets.

Lost in translation

So I'm googling for instructions to do the fingerless taxi whistle (you know, the really loud one...) and I come across this. And the best quote of all is clearly "600 papers of method of blowing the english were distributed."

Almost makes me wish I was English. Almost.

Chico's back on the air...

So my good friend Chico, formerly of KWCW 90.5 Walla Walla (and a slew of other radio stations from Walla to Mt. Vernon) is back on the air at Super CFL 97.7 FM Seattle and KCFL Fall City. What the heck is this, you ask? It's a low-power FM station playing a weird mix of stuff.

He's on overnight..."Chico on the Overnight" to be precise. That's radio talk for "I stay up all night so you don't have to." Except he doesn't, 'cause the whole thing is automated off a server somewhere in a pasture in Fall City. He records his spots in the evening, loads 'em up, and lets the server do the rest of the work. It's like a podcast that's broadcast.

Give it a listen if you're so inclined (you can stream from the web site). You East Coast types can catch his last few hours from the comfort of your desks, and who knows, you might hear Mr. Chicken as a "guest DJ" or doing sports or some crap. Or perhaps a bootleg Chicken Starship song. Or, more likely, just some songs from the '70s.

My new favorite swear word

So my friend bk sent me this link. I love the concept of the monkeysphere, but more than that I love the term "shitcamel." The full quote is "A friend goes to hit a button and accidentally punches the wrong one. Would you lean over, your mouth two inches from her ear, and scream "LEARN TO OPERATE THE FUCKING ELEVATOR BUTTONS, SHITCAMEL!!" "

How can you not love that? I tried it today on a friend with great results. If you call getting kicked in the jimmies "great results"...

I'm so relieved...

"workplace statistics show that the chance of a body part winding up in food is extremely small."

I'm assuming these are HUMAN body parts, because as far as I know the hamburger I had for lunch was made up of various body parts, presumably from a cow.

That said, this is still a great headline.

Despite Finger, Body Parts in Food Rare:

Surprising...

I'm not a big fan of the National Review Online, being raised a lefty by my League (of Women Voters) mother, but how can you not love a story about The Penis Monologues?

Supersize me!

I was wondering what to do with this 10 pounds of ground beef and 25 slices of cheese. Now I know.

My new favorite animal

Forget the Liger or the Tigron...how can they compete with the Zonkey?

New Tricycle Morphs into Bike on the Go

Man, that thing's funny looking, but would be great for my kids. Or, I like to think it would...but then, they're scared of going fast anyway, so it would end up being nothing more than an expensive funky trike. Sigh.

You go, Burrito Boy!

It's not every day a kid packing 30 inches of steak and guacamole gets the SWAT team called on him. A grown man, sure, but not a kid...

Red Hot Northwestern Montana Action!

Things are hopping in Libby, Montana these days, as you can see by checking out their Eagle Cam. OK, so "hopping" is probably the wrong term...maybe "Nesting". Or "sitting". Hopefully soon "hatching."

Meetings I would have loved to be in

Austrian Houseware Chain Renames Tool Shed

I immagine it went a little something like this:

Fritz: OK, people, we need a name for the new tool shed. It's big, made of wood, and can hold many tools. No bad ideas, people, let's brainstorm here.

Otto: How about "Das Grossen Shed?"

Fritz: OK...

Henrietta: What kind of wood is it? We could call it "Pine Shed"

Otto: Wait, I've got it. I was on vacation last year and we toured this place that had great sheds and showers...what was it called...let's see. Auschwitz? No, that wasn't it...I remember, it was Mauthausen. How about that?

Fritz: Sounds good to me. Henrietta?

Henrietta: Jah!

Fritz: Great work, people. Let's go to the hoffbrauhaus and have ein bier.

Photo of the day

Apparently they won their doubles match.

Great headline

Microsoft Shows Off A Little More Of Longhorn

As a friend of mine said, "isn't that what got Mary Kay Letourneau in trouble?" Of course, we all know how that worked out, and according to the Post we'll be able to hear all the sordid details thanks to our friends at ET and The Insider tomorrow!

My new pet

Enough with the fish. I'm ordering one of these. I just hope it comes armed with exploding poop!

Maybe I do have to worry about that asteroid...

According to this I'll live until around 2053. Unless I start exercising every day and drop 35 pounds. Then I get to live until 2054. w00t!

Aww, crap.

And I had big plans for 2035 too...stupid deadly asteroids.

Sweet!

Now this is a good use of hardware.

Mmmm...Enormous Omelet Sandwich...

Report: New Burger King breakfast offering outdoes Whopper - Mar. 28, 2005: "'The critics will still label it food porn,' Sherri Daye Scott, editor at fast-food magazine QSR, told the paper. 'But the average male fast-food customer does not have a problem with this.'"

Amen, Sherri Daye Scott, Amen.

Wow.

I'm not even sure what to make of this. Seriously.

Video-Iron Crotch-99 Power Practice

"I plead moronity"

Best line ever!

DesMoinesRegister.com

Sweet buggy goodness

Why would anyone waste time watching Minority Report or Gladiator tonight when they could be watching Mansquito?

This one takes my breath away

I'm not sure if it's the "wall of bricks" behind him, the shorts, or that grin that does it. But damn. Put some glasses on that guy and he's Milton from Office Space!

Things I wish I could do

Build a Tower of ice. Unfortunately, this winter has been mild to say the least. And my water bill would be, well, insane. Oh well...

My favorite is #14

More about bananas: 50 Reasons banana's are crap

This guy doesn't earn any points for spelling, and I'm not really sure what to make of some of the wording (for example, #22: "People imitate bananas being guns"...I think he means "People pretend bananas are guns" or "People use bananas when they need to pretend something is a gun"). But still, it's something to think about...

Finally!

It's about damn time someone did something about those spotted yellow bastards.

Ah, Iowa...

Nothing like the heartland. Home of family values and naked men arrested for "assault while displaying a dangerous weapon"

Naked Man Threatens Neighbors With Sword:

NORTH LIBERTY, Iowa - A man threatened his neighbors with a sword after they complained about him being naked in his front yard, police said. Curtis D. Rarick, 44, was charged with assault while displaying a dangerous weapon.

Rarick had been naked in his yard and became angry when neighbors asked him to put clothes on Sunday afternoon, police said.

He went inside and came back out with a 2 1/2-feet long sword and began threatening the neighbors, court records show.

He was released from jail Monday after posting $2,000 bond

If convicted, Rarick could face up to two years in jail and a $5,000 fine.

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for March 7.

Mmmm...cheese...

Hard to see how you couldn't plead guilty if you were known as the "Nacho cheese bandit".

Damn!

Check out the unit on this big fella! As my friend the Dude said, "in this post-Wardrobe Malfunction world do we really need a well-hung nickel?"

What the...

My question is, what's the deal with the helmets? Is this some new law in Sweden that everyone (including the kid in the background) has to wear a helmet in winter? Damn socialists!

I'm sorry...

We seem to have lost your leg. But here's a watch, some credit cards and a ring of keys...

Stripping vs Accordion playing: which is worth more?

Well, according to the Canadian court it's the Accordion:

"A stripper mauled by a tiger in an Ontario safari park has won C$800,000 ($650,000) in damages because her scars meant she could no longer work, Canadian media said on Friday."

But wait! Later in the story we find that "Her musician boyfriend, David Balac, won C$1.7 million, because his injuries left him unable to work as an accordion player."

Now, what if sh'e been a stripping accordion player? JACKPOT!

The Porn Tape on the Bus Goes Round and Round...

Where was this guy when I was going to school?

Former Sonic Brent Berry's unknown brother Trent sendt me mail today...

And he's fluent in Latin! And, apparently, "quae non sic fecit homines" is Latin for "can't get it up."

From: Trent Berry
To: nonsuch@earthlink.net
Subject: precsription drgus online -Relafen, Lodine, Endocet, Medipain 5 huxley
Date: Jan 12, 2005 11:31 AM
Attachments: Uypea.GIF

quae non sic fecit homines, ut hoc se uterentur modo. violatur quippe
quales essent. et ecce video rem non compertam superbis neque nudatam
et sensum, quo cernunt quae numerant, et mentem, de qua numerant; et

tenduntur; longa syllaba est, nam dupla est ad brevem. sed neque ita omnique mendacio interiora et exteriora mea, labia mea. sint castae
conformes atque confirmes in aeternum, deus meus, misericordia mea.
gustavi vel tetigi, sed expertus sum in animo meo, quando laetatus coeperunt videri, et fidem catholicam, pro qua nihil posse dici
eorum, sed tenus sono et strepitu linguae; ceterum cor inane veri. et viam tuam quaererem, non peritus, sed periturus essem. iam enim
quia aetatis accessu peritura sunt. quod licet probes, cum ferri aequo versibus: et ille dicebat laudabilius, in quo pro dignitate adumbratae
oderam me minus indigentem. quaerebam quid amarem, amans amare, et non enim ex tuo, deus meus, in quo nemo fallitur. sed tamen cur non
factum est, ut hoc non essent qui numquam fuerunt. a quo factum est tua et lex tua. habent enim et haec ima delectationes, sed non sicut
subtrahere ministerium linguae meae nundinis loquacitatis; ne ulterius etiam eius praesentia. sic tunc eram, et ille sensit: nescio quid
discere, quam non facile in noscendis causis homo ab homine damnandus tenebrae, quia super lux aberat, sicut sonus ubi non est, silentium
fabellae quam illa decipula. nam versus et carmen et Medea volans iam noli peccare, ne quid tibi deterius contingat. quam totam illi
nescio quomodo noverunt eam ideoque habent eam in nescio qua notitia homines cupiunt. hinc etiam, si quid eodem perversae scientiae fine
te esse omnis naturae et ideo non esse, quo a te omni modo recedatur. ex parte moris sui metientibus; tamquam si quis nescius in armamentis
hominibus, et misisti, et eius exemplo etiam ipsam discerent tamdiu nesciens vanitatem dilexi et mendacium quaesivi, et ideo audivi
mentes nostras et transcendimus eas, ut attingeremus regionem universam creaturam, quam fecit in sapientia, id est in principio
aliter; secundum quam iusti essent Abraham et Isaac et Iacob et Moyses tempore opportuno. et in omni amaritudine, quae nostros saeculares
nec tu me in te mutabis sicut cibum carnis tuae, sed tu mutaberis in potestati eripi aut subtrahi quid, quando aut ubi aut quo vel a quo
contritum et humiliatum viduae castae ac sobriae, frequentantis quasi omnimoda extinctio. at illa nec misere moriebatur nec omnino
vel hoc uno documento omnis consuetudinis vinculum etiam adversus convalescerem, quia dixisti homini: Ecce pietas est sapientia, et:
salutari nomine Christi essent, curationem languoris animae meae est. non itaque dicamus: longum est, sed dicamus de praeterito: longum
capiat te?an vero caelum et terra, quae fecisti et in quibus me
mihi per eas dabes alimentum infantiae, secundum institutionem tuam
unde mitteret ex alto promissionem suam, paracletum, spiritum
nostra non tantum sonos nominum secundum imagines inpressas a sensibus
caelum et terra et mare praesto sunt cum omnibus, quae in eis sentire

Superman's pal: Jimmy Olsen!

Man, this is some great stuff. That Jimmy always was a pretentious little prick.

Back from the dead...

Got this one tonight. Glad to know the ghost of John Ritter is looking out for my cheap pharma needs.

No idea who this sgraham5@discover.earthlink.net is, but what the hell:

From:	Johnie Ritter (lfltasqwrncdge@yahoo.com)
To:	sgraham5@discover.earthlink.net
Subject:	Re:
Date:	Jan 4, 2005 6:26 PM

Welcome to OffshorePharm, your offshore, online solution for quality generic medications at affordable prices! We offer nothing but the finest medications from government approved pharmaceutical suppliers. You will find your entire experience with us pleasant, honest, and rewarding. From our super low prices to our world class customer support, your health and satisfaction is our business. rem0ve