Tuesday's news: Bond 23 in money trouble?

Maybe "Q" has a mint hidden somewhere in his gadget bunker...hope so, 'cause the latest Bond film is on hold waiting for financing!

There's nothing funny about being short of money. There's also nothing inherently funny about crocodiles. But a headline like "Crocodile forces Australian aerobics class to wait" just makes me chuckle. Mainly because of the image of a crocodile in spandex, leg warmers, and a head band.

Here's something that freaks me out: Foreign Accent Syndrome. That's where something goes haywire in your brain and you suddenly start talking like you're from a different country. Case in point this woman from Devon, England, who had severe migraines and now speaks with a Chinese accent. Freaky, I tell you!

And speaking of inconvenient, that whole Icelandic volcano thing is messing with people's days in a big way. John Clese ended up taking a taxi home from Norway because the planes were all grounded. He should have called this guy and asked for a ride in the car he bought in Sweden to get home!

And finally, here's another example of how smoking is harmful to your health: A woman in Australia, who had been in a fight with her boyfriend in which said boyfriend doused her with gasoline, decided to celebrate the end of the fight by lighting up a smoke. Fireball ensued.

Monday Monday...

A little late posting, but what the heck...

Well, we're back on the radio this fine Monday afternoon, fresh off a weekend of camping with the Boy Scouts, and ready to talk about crap like unmanned, runaway excavators trashing someone's house. Fortunately no one was injured...

And speaking of uninjured, remember the Topless Gardener out in Boulder, Colorado? Well, she won her battle with her landlord the Boulder Housing Partners and she and her husband won't be evicted.

In travel news, you'll be happy to hear that the python found in a toilet of a Nebraska hotel room was a lost pet, not some snake that crawled up the sewer from Bolivia or wherever.

Question for you: Have you ever gotten lost in your car, then pulled over to ask for directions from a guy driving a tractor? Yeah, me neither. But this guy in Russia did. Unfortunately for him he was in a plane at the time, and didn't pick the best place to land...

Next up we head back to school. Remember the classic food fight? And how you ended up in detention if you participated? Well, out in New Jersey they don't take too kindly to the throwing of food, so when a food fight breaks out they serve food that "supplies only the basic food requirement". And surprise surprise, a parent is upset about it.

And finally, big war at the box office this weekend! Well, not big big, but still...according to the AP it's too soon to call who won the weekend box office, with How to Train Your Dragon and Kick-Ass duking it out with around $30 million each. Haven't seen the Dragon movie, but Kick-Ass totally does.

What a difference 14 hours makes!

So I took the Troop camping this weekend in my old stomping grounds of Tolt-MacDonald Park out in Carnation. Back in the day (the day being 1978 to 1985 or so) I went to Tolt-MacDonald roughly every year with my Troop to do our "pre-Camporee" tune-up. My main memories from those trips were the suspension bridge, playing Squad Leader with my friends in the tent late at night (and losing horribly, no doubt), and playing a game affectionately called "Fris-Brawl" that was a mix of Ultimate Frisbee, keep-away, and rugby. No points scored, just attempting to keep the Frisbee away from the other team while they attempted to knock the stuffing out of whoever had it.

Well, this year we were supposed to do a hike to Lizard and Lily Lakes up near Bellingham, but after scouting out the trail (from the west side, anyway) I decided it was definitely too hard to take a bunch of new Scouts on for their first hike. So I reverted to my youth and we went to Tolt-MacDonald. And surprise surprise, things have changed!

For one thing, they've got Yurts on the hillside where we used to camp. There are a couple tent spots there, but I didn't want my 15 Boy Scouts keeping the Yurt people awake (not that it would have been an issue, since we were one of 4 Troops in the Park this weekend). So we instead headed down-river to some isolated spots. This had two advantages: First, we were well away from other campers, so no need to strictly enforce quiet time (or, as the park sign read, "Quite Time"). And second, it required them to carry their crap for a half mile or so. Just long enough to get them complaining, not so far that they rebelled.

The plan (and I use the term loosely) was to practice some skills they'd need for Camporee: knots and lashings, maybe some first aid, some signalling / Morse code, etc. The last one was suggested by our SPL Danny since he'd heard there was going to be a semaphore / Morse Code event at this year's Camporee. I was all for it, and told him to run with the idea. Which was all well and good until yesterday afternoon when he said, and I quote, "Scott, I found a problem with the signalling thing: I don't know Morse Code." D'oh!

Well, they recovered and found some other skills to teach and games to play, and there was always a river to fall in and shoreline to erode, so no one complained too much.

But the fun really began at dinner. And as the afternoon went on and the showers grew more frequent I began to hear some distant rumblings. At first I put them off to jet noise, since they were lasting a long, long time. But as they got closer there was no question it was thunder. Lucky for us, the Troop that had occupied the "group camping" site and it's attendant picnic shelter had left a few hours earlier. And conveniently it was approaching time to cook dinner. So I had the guys move their dinner prep to the shelter.

About 5 minutes after we were settled and cooking the rain began: gently at first, then heavier, then true torrential downpour. And with it came wind - occasionally pretty strong - and some wicked close lightning strikes. I think the closest was within a mile, using the old "one second per mile" rule of thumb. Unfortunately I didn't catch any of the flash-banging on the phone, but I did manage to get Logan and his friends doing the "Rain Go Away" dance (which had no effect on the rain and just made them wetter)...

Eventually the rain stopped, the food was eaten, we made a fire, and the kids had a rousing game of "German Spotlight" (a version of tag played in the dark with flashlights) before collapsing in their tents and (hopefully) changing in to dry clothes and getting some sleep.

So what's this about 14 hours and a difference? Well, when I got up around 7, roughly 14 hours after the thunderstorm, the sun was burning through a thin layer of fog. What had sounded like rain overnight was clearly just the moss on the trees dripping, and it was shaping up to be a gorgeous day. And since the phone battery was pretty much dead and I hadn't packed a real camera, I didn't bother with a picture. But the improved weather did make the packing up and picking up litter portions of the morning that much better!

Hey, what about Friday?

I'll tell you what about Friday...I totally forgot to post the day's radio fun! Why, you ask? Because I was all hopped up to see Kick Ass! And kick ass it did. The only drawback, as I tweeted this afternoon, was that the pizza we'd ordered for lunch (at the wonderful Cinebarre movie theater / restaurant) showed up just as the bad guys were putting another bad guy in an industrial wood-drying microwave. Ewww. Anyhow, good violent fun, and few things are funnier than an 11-year-old girl who swears like a drunken sailor.

So here, better late than never, is the crap I talked about on the radio today:

Dude, here's something that will harsh your buzz as we approach 4/20: a guy burned down his house by sparking up his bong. In his defense, he was cleaning said bong with alcohol when he lit it on fire...ok, that's not really a defense, now, is it?

And speaking of screwing stuff up, here's a tale of an osprey who knocked out power to 6,000 people in Maine by dropping a branch on a power line. Sure, the story says the branch was meant for the osprey's nest, but I'm pretty sure it was just messing with the humans.

Next up is a question for you: is it illegal to take expired beer home from the dump, or is it just a policy violation? Or just in bad taste?

What IS in bad taste, and is also illegal, is filling a bass with lead weights and then submitting it for judging in a tournament. It's also not very nice to the poor bass.

And speaking of things to do with the court, if you were thinking you might file a lawsuit claiming that you were burned by a price scanner gun the State of Pennsylvania would like you to save both their and your time and just skip it.

And finally, from the "WTF" files, I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that there's something called the "American Mustache Institute", or that they're pushing for a tax break for people with mustaches.

Thursday's a good day to get hit upside the head with a snake.

That's right, I said hit upside the head with a snake. But first, this stuff:

It's the second story in two days from the fine town of Athens, Tennessee! Yesterday we had the guy selling meat door-to-door, and today we've got a DUI on a riding lawn mower. Oh, sorry, not just a DUI, but stolen fishing poles as well.

Elsewhere in Tennessee, some dude got drunk, got on his horse, and rode through the Mule Day crowds and caused quite a ruckus. And the po-lice don't like them no ruckus down 'round there.

From Tennessee we travel farther south to Albany Georgia where we find a guy being arrested twice in one day on the same charge. That's some persistence, that is.

Oh, and speaking of horses (as I was a couple entries ago), this one's really tall. Like world-record tall. NBA star tall. 6' 10 3/4" tall, to be exact (or 20 hands, 2.75 inches in horse terms).

And finally, as promised, here's something new to add to the Scott Chicken "Smacked in the head with something weird" list: a four-foot python.

Hump day hi-jinx

When you see a headline that reads "Police say meat salesman swallowed marijuana joint" you're intrigued. When you read the story and see that he's a door-to-door meat salesman you're both intrigued and kind of nauseated. Well, I am anyway...

This story has nothing to do with meat, but it does provide a good object lesson on the consequences of speeding, at least for the three students in the car at the time.

Speaking of meat, that's a horrible segue into a story about the whole Catholic Church pedophile-shuffle, but I'm going to use it anyway. The story is about a priest in Massachusetts who is calling for the Pope to resign. Which is pretty mild compared to what some people would like to do with him...

Now, if you think they're throwing mud at the Catholic Church, at least it's figurative mud. Not like the literal mud these people were buried in.

Leaving Catholics alone we turn to the Baptists, who have had all their pipes stolen. And I'm not talking pot pipes, crack pipes, or organ pipes: the copper pipes that carry water. Stolen from under the Church. Which will make it harder for them to baptise people, I'm thinking.

And finally we head instead to Salem, Oregon, home of my in-laws, where teens are now stealing squad cars and passing out in them. Nice work, son!

Today I bring you snakes, knives, and flammable hair!

Well, now that the Team CoCo (or is that Team Lo-Co now?) news is a day old we can turn our eyes back to the usual freak show that is the Scott Chicken Radio Fun House! For instance, how's this for getting a snakeskin belt the hard way? Although at 6 feet long I'm thinking maybe he can get a pair of boots out of the deal...

And speaking of efficiency (OK, I wasn't, but I was at a loss for a segue), did you hear about the Reno police officer who nabbed two DUI perps in one vehicle? Seems the old "pull your buddy out of the driver's seat and get behind the wheel" trick only works if no one sees you. And you're not drunk too.

Ever wonder how flamable hair spray is? Not right out of the can, mind you, but on your hair? This chick found out the hard way.

You know, some times couples who hit a rough patch can work things out by talking about their problems. And other times things get ugly and the knives come out. Literally, in this case.

Things rarely get to that point with pets, though, which is good. Otherwise they might not warn us we're going to die in a firey explosion if we don't get up and shut off the gas. Way to go, Schnautzie the kitten!

And finally, I understand that prom dresses and tuxedoes can be expensive, but how much did this couple spend on Wrigley's "5 gum" to make her dress and his vest? OK, probably less than the dress would cost. And it's a pretty cool idea. although that vinyl top coat on the dress is going to be pretty crunchy during the slow dances...

Pole dance classes, trunk-riding kids, and Team CoCo on TBS!

Yes, it's a fun-filled Scott Chicken show today, I must say! Here's what's on the air this afternoon (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200):

Remember back in the day when no one cared about vehicle safety? Back then my parents had an old VW bug, the kind with the little storage space between the back seat and the firewall to the engine compartment. And I'm pretty sure that they stuck me back there, carefully padded by blankets and whatnot, 'cause I was too little to sit up in the seat and there wasn't room in the back with my sisters. I also remember riding in the "way back" of our Squareback and in several of my friends' station wagons. Well, that stuff don't fly no more. Nor does sticking your kid in the trunk 'cause you've got too many people in the car. And it just leads to trauma when the (alleged) drunk at the wheel runs off the road and crashes. So please, buckle up!

But way more important than kids riding in trunks is the news that Team CoCo is heading to TBS this fall! Conan O'Brien has thumbed his nose at Fox and will now be the lead-in to the George Lopez Show, with Conan running at 11 and Lopez at midnight Monday through Thursday nights.

In other news, if you're a pastor working a late-night shift at the suicide help line, be sure to load up on the coffee, the cola, the RockStar Energy Drink(tm), whatever the hell it is that keeps you from falling asleep when some guy calls in to be talked off the ledge. On the other hand, the guy was so pissed off about the pastor falling asleep on him that he didn't kill himself, so I guess it all worked out in the end...

Turning our attention to college students, while Cambridge University in England may claim the pole-dancing classes they're offering are only there to help relieve stress, I think it's safe to say they're merely offering their students a back-up plan for when they finally graduate and enter the real world.

And we end our day's survey of the news with a guy in Poland who came up with a great scheme to rob businesses: he mailed himself to them. And it all would have worked out great if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! Or for the fight he had with his accomplice, the guy who took him to the courier firms, who tipped off the cops to the scheme.

Sunday morning is full of high-school shenanigans

A few, anyway...but first on this fine Sunday (which, by the way, is Louie Louie Day), we find ourselves with a headline about the "wrong kind of grass in a mower". By which they mean pot, which is only the wrong kind of grass if you're looking to stay out of prison. At least until it's legalized...

From pot in mowers we head to, where else, Wal*Mart where some nucklehead let his gun go off. Dork.

Speaking of Wal*Mart, I don't believe they sell urine-tainted sodas there, so you'll have to make your own like these cheerleaders in Fort Worth, Texas, did.

And speaking of highschool sports, this story has nothing to do with cheerleaders or pee, but it does have to do with a mid-game marriage proposal between opposing coaches!

Update! Update! Remember the other day when those two women tried to smuggle a dead guy on to a plane? Well, one of them claims the guy was alive when they got to the airport. Which I don't believe was in Weekend at Bernie's, so maybe she's telling the truth.

Saturday Morning Chicken Clucking

Happy Saturday morning! It's my weekend on, and here's the crap I'll be covering:

Here's a tip for you stoners out there: if you're looking for a good place to stash your weed, don't try your kid's Elmo backpack. Oh, and if you're broke and figure you won't get in trouble for eating your gas station burrito in the store, you're wrong. You will.

You may be wondering why you should read your court documents. Here's a reason: you might avoid spending three extra years in an Indonesian prison! And speaking of prison, if you're going there to serve time for a DUI, try not to drive drunk when you go to check in.

I've heard of dogs chasing the mailman, but this is the first time I've heard of a postal carrier refusing to go to a person's house because of their dangerous cat.

And to end the morning on an animal note, another word of advice: if you're collecting worker's comp from the state, don't start a business selling goats. 'cause the state don't like that and will want their money back.

Friday? Friday!

Don't worry, no tales of canibalism on today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). Just this crap:

You know that movie 21 about the kids from MIT or Harvard or wherever who head to Vegas to win a mint counting cards? Or that scene in Rain Man where Raymond wins a mint counting cards? Yeah, the casinos don't like it when you do that. But maybe the courts will weigh in and allow it. Doubtful, but maybe...

Whatever you may think about England's Sun newspaper, at least they're smart enough not to publish the script for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that someone left behind in a bar!

I've heard of cats having nine lives, but never a dog. This one, however, has at least three.

No one should be surprised that the guy who just set the world record for playing Asteroids is 41. What is surprising is that the old record stood for 28 years! Now...what's the world record score for Galaga? And where can I find a machine on which to get my fire-button finger back in shape? (If you want to play Asteroids on the web, just head here!

Clearly I need to move to Sweden. Here in the States I'd probably be fired the first time I caused train delays because I was viewing porn sites on the Web.

And finally, just in time for the sun to start shining, your sunscreen will kill you. And it must be true, 'cause it's on the Fox News web site.

Sad news...

Please head to your medicine cabinet, get some rubbing alcohol, prep your cheek, then jam a safety pin through it in mourning. The great Malcolm McLaren has died.

A disturbingly meat-filled Thursday

You know, when I found the first story of the day, about the supervisors of San Francisco declaring "Meatless Mondays," I had no idea how far in to the abyss the meat trend would cary me. But from there we moved an inch closer to the world of the movie Repo Men...they're not reposessing organs yet, but one meat dealer has started reposessing steaks off diners' plates! But that was nothing compared to this story of Russian canibalism. And a couple fine young canibals they are, too. Although with that makeup they're probably fans of ICP rather than FYC...

Thank the Danes for turning us away from canibalism and meat and back to the world of beer. Why? Because some workers at the Carlsberg brewery are stopping work to protest no longer being able to drink beer while on break. I don't believe Norm from Cheers was one of them, but I'm sure he's with them in spirit.

And the beer then carried us to Oklahoma. Why? Because when I drink beer I get gassy. And that's right up this flatulence fetishist's alley. What wasn't up his alley was the alleged sexual assault from the guy he met on the Internets. Is it so wrong to want to "just 'fart' and be friends?"

And finally, did you see that movie The Men Who Stare At Goats? I didn't, but it's in the queue...anyhow, it's about people with psychic powers. This guy thought he had such powers, but yet he was unable to successfully crash the Quantas flight he was on using only his mind. Maybe the straps holding him in his chair distracted him...

A crime and vampire-filled Wednesday

This Wednesday is crime day on the Scott Chicken show. But then, pretty much every day is crime day, 'cause that's what piques my interest...

You know you're a nominee for parent of the year when you're arrested for stealing a vacuum cleaner with your kids along for the ride. Nice work, sir!

Continuing with crime, here's a guy who's watched a few too many movies. Then again, he did get away with the cash...

And speaking of people who watched too many movies, clearly these chicks watched Weekend at Bernie's a few too many times. Why else would they think putting sunglasses on their dead relative would get him on board a plane?

For those already caught and convicted, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, has a great fitness plan for you. You want to watch TV? Get on the bike! This, by the way, is a plan I really should implement in the Chicken Coop...

So say you're going to start counterfeiting currency. What denomination do you start with? Most would say the $20. In Alaska, though, they think smaller. About $19 smaller.

And finally, if you're not into the counterfeit bills or the biking but you are into vampires, head over to the University of Hertfordshire in the UK for the "Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture" conference. Because we need more vampire-themed stuff in this world.

Tuesday's Chicken fun

It's Tuesday and it's time for another awe-inspiring Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "awe-inspiring" I naturally mean "mildly interesting"...here's what's on today:

I know this happened recently, but apparently no one's listening to my warnings. Kids, once again, make sure you know who you're texting about your drug deals or you'll end up in the slammer.

Speaking of kids, while it was nice of Junior to try to take the gar out and fill the tank, the fact that he was 8 and didn't know how to drive is a bit of a problem.

Apparently April Fools Day, while international in its appeal, still catches people off guard. Here in the States some otherwise tech savvy people were taken in by a fake product that would turn your iPad into an arcade game. Over in Jordan it wasn't technology but rather a newspaper story about 10-foot-tall aliens visiting late at night.

So, how was your Easter Egg Hunt? Probably better than this one in Iowa where a couple teenagers found a dead guy...

Maybe you skipped the Easter Egg hunting and went to a movie instead? 'cause a bunch of people did. And here's what they saw.

And finally, I'm always on the lookout for alternative medicine treatments, and for info on treating MS since my sister suffers from it. But her symptoms are pretty mild, so I doubt she'll be lining up for Bee Venom Therapy any time soon.

Post-Easter Salvation

Well, in honor of this past Easter weekend here's a story of salvation: A woman in Kentucky says her newborn baby saved her family from a house fire by waking her up with its cries! Way to go, baby!

Oh, by the way, that fire was apparently set by a drunk. And speaking of drunks in Kentucky, here's one who was so wasted he couldn't get out of the bar so he called the cops for help. Granted he'd passed out and the bar was closed, but still...

This guy was drunk too, just not in Kentucky. But he did steal an ambulance in order to leave the hospital, so that's something.

There are a number of reasons to drive a car with a manual transmission: You can red line it and look cool, it's more responsive, they tend to get better gas mileage, and it might save you from a car-jacking.

Having never been an 82-year-old woman, I can't say how important a hair styling is for that demographic. But for one Michigan woman it was important enough to stick around after she plowed her car through the front of the salon...

I rarely say "man, I wish I was in Maine", but I wouldn't have minded being there for Saturday's march for equal-opportunity public toplessness. Because I'm all about equality. And toplessness.

Good Friday's news

Now that April Fools is over it's time to focus back on real news. Like, oh, a Frito-Lay delivery truck being stolen and causing a "feeding frenzy." Stoner's delight! Or perhaps a tale of a couple dudes returning to the scene of the crime just in time to be identified by witnesses of their robbery attempt. And if that doesn't work for you, how's about a reminder that European DVD players use a different kind of current than their American counterparts. Which is why the plug looks different.

And speaking of different, it's pretty different to climb in the drive-thru window in order to smack a guy at the McDonald's for taking his own sweet time getting you your Fillet o' Fish.

Oh, here's good news if you forget to turn off your cell phone when you go in to court: A Florida appeal court has determined that a ringing phone may be annoying, but it's not contempt of court. I, for one, am resting easier now.

And finally, these two won't have to argue about it doesn't matter that one is the older twin or not since they were born on the same day, 'cause instead of being minutes apart these two are a week apart.

Happy Thursday!

It's April Fools Day, and on the Scott Chicken show today we're bringing you nothing but true stories that sound like they should be fake. But they're not. Oh, to listen in head to Radio KYA or Super CFL, or open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200.

I'm sure this happened back in the Bush days too, but I'm too lazy to do any research to find out how much it was covered. So suffice it to say the AP is letting us know that a guy in Tennessee rammed a car with an Obama bumper sticker. And speaking of political conflicts, nothing says "I love you, honey" like running against your spouse. Then again, based on the story it looks like things were pretty rocky before he filed as a candidate anyway.

In other news, I've heard of "Dialing for Dollars", and "fishing for compliments", but never "fishing for dollars". Have to give the guy points for creativity, though...Also getting points for creativity is Ohio's Hocking County who are using the old "Y2K Conversion Error" excuse for apparently trying to collect more than once for various traffic tickets.

Turning to the World Records I Didn't Know Existed department we find an Indian businesman who has set a new record for the most beard designs in 4 years. Granted, it's not approved by Guiness, but what the hell, that's still a lot of beards!

And finally, in what is possibly the best headline ever created, the story I posted yesterday, Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail.