Headline of the year

I can't take credit for it, sad to say. But whoever drafted this one for The Sun deserves a nice bonus.

Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail | The Sun |News

Wednesday's theme: Crime, crime, and more crime!

On today's midweek Scott Chicken Show we'll head down to Florida to learn how an enterprising deputy used Google Earth to make an arrest. From there it's off to church in Pennsylvania where a guy allegedly attacked a pastor's husband during a Palm Sunday church service. Why? No clue. Maybe he didn't like the sermon or something. We then slide over to the west coast for the sentencing of Yvonne Jean Pampellonne for fraudulently buying fraudulent boobs (a story the AP has delightfully given the file name "odd_breast_bandit.html"). Then it's back over to the state of disaster that is Florida for a spring break-worthy tale of a guy ending up in the slammer for throwing a plastic cup at a cop car. And we end our survey of the day's odd news in Ohio with an escape attempt straight out of a bad movie, in which the perp fled the police, abandoned his car, jumped a fence, and ended up in a prison yard.

Streaking? Bomb scares? Sounds like a Tuesday to me!

Happy Tuesday! Here's what's cookin' in the Scott Chicken radio stewpot:

Remember the '70s when people ran around nekkid for no good reason? This guy is too young to remember that, but clearly he's a fan.

Did ya go see a movie over the weekend? If so, you certainly didn't see Motherhood with Uma Thurman, Minnie Driver and Jodie Foster in it's opening weekend in the UK. Or were you one of the 11 people who bothered to go?

Jeez, as if we didn't have enough to worry about from China with the lead paint and whatnot, now we have to worry about disgruntled employees poisoning frozen dumplings!

Ah, nothing is more relaxing than a nice Carribbean cruise. And nothing harshes that buzz like a crazy drunk making a false bomb threat on your cruise ship.

Who saw this coming? That guy with the flame thrower on his scooter has been arrested!

If you're planning on heading to Rio for the 2016 Olympics you might get to see a 345-foot-tall man-made solar-powered waterfall! Why? Why not?

Monday's Chicken Cluckin'

On this fine Monday afternoon we're kicking the show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) off with a review of the weekend box office returns. The animated dragon kicked the Hot Tub Time Machine's ass. I didn't see either, but did finally check out Fantastic Mr. Fox, and saw Zombieland for a second time, so that's worth something...

After that it's off to Needham Massachusetts, where a middle school student is up on charges. What charges? Well, turns out he brought a pocket knife to school.

From there we go to a cautionary tale of a man attempting to get revenge on his ex-girlfriend. A word to the wise: Before you drop a deuce in your girlfriend's car, make sure it's actually her car.

From that tale of domestic bliss we head down to the state of disaster that is Florida where a guy tried to give his daughter a time out. So she chucked a toy gun at him and cut his head. And then somehow she ended up being arrested and charged with domestic battery. Unfortunately the story doesn't explain who called the cops...

We then head to the world of fast food. I've never eaten at a Chick-fil-A. Apparently it's worth fighting over.

And our final stop today is in the drunk tank. I suppose this woman deserves some credit for calling the cops on herself when she was driving drunk, but couldn't she have saved them some effort by calling a cab instead?

Sunday Morning yakin'

Sunday morning already? Well, good thing I've got plenty to talk about on the ol' radio!

The problem with this story is that it doesn't explain how the guy thought the duct tape on his shoes would conceal the robbery. And that's info we all need.

Hmmm...not sure a snake massage is exactly the kind of relaxation I'm looking for.

Oh those wacky Germans and their need to reserve every chez lounge by the pool...finally some enterprising criminal is taking advantage of their zeal!

So you think letting prisoners watch cable TV and movies is being soft on crime? At least we're not the Dutch, who are bringing psychics to prison to let inmates get in touch with their dead relatives!

The Vegetarians are getting more active. Well, one particular vegetarian. And by "active" I really mean "crazy".

Now I've never been carjacked, but I think if I were I'd feel better if the guy were polite about it. Not much better, but maybe a little...

Counting the days to April 16...

Sure, the taxes will be done. But this is WAY more important. And WAY NSFW, unless you work somewhere that doesn't mind violence and swearing...

Goooooood morning Indy Radio!

What's the good stand for? Good God it's early! This morning calls for drastic measures on the ol' Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "drastic measures" I mean recording the show the night before. 'cause ain't no way I'm getting up at 2:30 to do it! Here's what will be on the air this morning:

Update on that dog that ate the car the other week: He's a bad dog and has been sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes. But no prison time, so that's good...

It's time again for one of my favorite awards of the year, the Diagram Prize for the year's oddest book title! And while not as colorful as past winners "Bombproof Your Horse" and "Living With Crazy Buttocks," it's still pretty cool: Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes!"

Speaking of animals (but not crochet or math), I guess this guy deserves points for trying, right? I mean, he didn't just scoop the 'possum up and take it home for dinner...

So how much change do you suppose is in a parking meter? Enough to make it worth your time to cut it off the pole?

It's a down economy, so people are going to try all kinds of things to start their own business and make money. But lest you think running an underage strip club out of your mobile home is a good idea, please understand that it ain't.

And finally, if you're worried that the family of the guy you killed might come and return the favor once you're released from jail, if you try to break back in to jail the State will keep you safe for 15 more years.

The end of the week means crashed cars and stupid criminals!

On today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) I won't be talking about the awesome Natalie Portman rap song I found on line yesterday, nor the craptastic In the Name of the King Dungeon Siege movie I watched last night. But I will cover this crap:

Ever crash a car on a test drive? Yeah, me neither. But if I had it sure wouldn't cost my insurance company £300,000. And not just because I live in the US where we don't use pounds as money...

Hey, wasn't e-mail supposed to cut down how much paper we used and save us a bunch of money? Apparently it's not working so well. Otherwise we wouldn't have a story about a Wisconsin college cutting costs by changing the default e-mail font. The new font apparently uses 30% less ink to print. Which is still 70% more than not printing, but I guess it's a start...

Good to know that even today's jaded teens occasionally worry about someone telling Mom about their crimes and misdemeanors.

I would have thought this would be obvious, but apparently it's not: tossing your baby in to your SUV will not stop the repo men from taking the car. It'll just land your ass in jail for child endangerment. And get you on the Scott Chicken show. So really it's a win-win.

What is the world coming to? Do we really want to live in a society where kids can't have a jungle gym jail on their playground?

Today's criminal mastermind: The double-ear ring wearing Mr. White, who asking a cop for directions shortly after robbing a store. Apparently the police use something called a "radio" to communicate "descriptions" of their "perps". Who knew?

Possibly the worst move I've ever seen

And that's saying something, 'cause I've seen some doozies. But I'm fairly certain In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale is it. Why, you ask?

First, there's the premise. I've played Dungeon Siege in all its variations (well, I think I've actually only played DS 1, the "Aranna" expansion pack (now available together in this convenient two-pack, and DS 2. Missed the DS 2 "Broken World Expansion Pack" and any other versions that weren't on the PC). It's a fine game: you're a farmer or something, some weird monsters called the Krug attack, and you go on a rampage linear adventure until you've become the most badass of bad asses in the land. As I recall (and I haven't played the game in a few years) there's no king. Just lots and lots of killing and making allies with various other characters. But let's face it, it ain't a movie waiting to happen.

That said, I can see how someone might think this was a good idea: pre-existing market, pre-developed monster characters, a relatively known universe, and Jason Statham as the farmer. Throw a few other big-name actors and people will go see it, right? Sure!

Well, it didn't quite work out that way thanks to the insanely horrible script. They got Statham, and they lined up some other stars (Ray Liota as the evil wizard, Burt Reynolds as the king, Ron Perlman as our hero's friend and guardian, John Rhys-Davies as the good wizard, and the lovely Leelee Sobieski as the good wizard's daughter who is duped by the evil Ray Liota), but how they did with that script I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that director Uwe Boll must have had dirt on them all. Or offered them a shitton of money. Because Jesus God that's some bad writing. Bad to the point that 12-year-old Logan Chicken was amazed at its badness.

Admittedly I watched it on SciFi (yes, I am blatantly ignoring their re-spelling of the word), so maybe they edited out some good dialog or plot points, but I'm doubtful. Because even if there were three or four minutes of decent script cut out it won't make up for lines like "Those who you fight, we will help you fight them." In fact, I think the best line in the movie was from King Burt who said, in response to something said by Good Wizard Rhys-Davies, "What the hell does that mean?" And I'm pretty sure that was ad-libbed.

In the movie's favor, the action scenes were OK. Not great, but OK. And hey, it won an award or two! At least according to IMDB, anyway, taking the illustrious Special Award at the 2007 Hessian Film Awards for Wolfgang Herold's sound supervision. More importantly it won the 2009 Razzie for Worst Director for Mr. Boll, but amazingly didn't win worst picture or worst screenplay (losing out to The Love Guru in both categories).

So why did I watch this piece of garbage? Well, because I'd played the game, because I like Statham's work, because it was on TV, and because I was stunned by how bad it was and just couldn't look away.

Everything's back to normal...

Well, after yesterday's all-day marathon show it's nice to get back to a mere six personality spots on the ol' Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And we're going to get things rolling with a nutjob on Bainbridge Island (OK, maybe he's not a nutjob...for all I know there really are werewolves and C.H.U.D.s roaming the streets of Winslow) armed with a sword and throwing knives.

From there we head east to Connecticut, where a couple of guys thought they'd make it easy on the bank and call ahead to request an amount of money be ready for them to steal. Not surprisingly, the plan went exactly as you'd think.

You've no doubt heard about how strong ants are, right? How if a human were as strong proportionately as an ant he or she would be able to lift a car or whatever? Well, ants are pencilnecks compared to the mighty horned dung beetle.

I've never been fired, but I have fired a couple people. Never by Facebook message, though. Then again, there was no Facebook in the '90s...

Tired of people cutting you off while you drive your moped around? Well, just do what this guy did and attach a flame thrower to the thing!

And to end things on a downer note, the great Robert Culp has died. Bummer.

Wednesday it's all Scott Chicken, all day!

So Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) morning guy Chico had to get out of town in a hurry last night (something about a bookie, a horse named "BlackSox", and a safety deposit box in Ellensburgh), so tomorrow's Scott Chicken Show will run all damn day. But don't worry, that means we've doubled the content to keep you entertained!

In the morning (3 AM to noon or so) I'll be talking about, well, Chico being chased out of town for a day. I'll also mention that today is "Try to remember if you know how to play Parchesi" day. I do, and I'll tell you why. I've also got some fascinating tidbits of "on this day" trivia, because I'm lazy and that crap's easy to find.

But don't worry, there's real nonsense news as well. For instance, did you know that a gaming site called GameCrush.com launched yesterday, and that for a mere $8.25 you can play chat-enabled video games with a real live girl?

Now, I'm sure you know that drunk driving is bad. But you may not have thought about how much worse than drunk driving is drunk driving with a bag full of drugs and cash under your seat. That is, unless you find jail time a good thing, in which case none of that is bad!

On the good side of the scale we find a school in Bellingham that's planning to take today off if it's sunny. Why? Well, because they didn't take any snow days this year and can afford to dump a day. And because dude, they're in Bellingham. And it's sunny!

As for the afternoon, well, it's mostly dominated by stories of food crime:

So I know Jersey Shore is over for the season, but that doesn't stop the news out of New Jersey. Especially not when that news involves breaking, entering and cooking.

FYI, the city of Anchorage doesn't take kindly to attempted pizza theft. So much so they bring out the SWAT team.

In yet another food-related crime (not an intentional theme, but just the way things played out today), the Colorado baby formula ring has been broken up, so Coloradans will have to pay retail again.

And hey, let's go for four in a row! Somebody dumped a certified assload of Panera bread next to a river in Muncie, Indiana. The ducks win, the charities that are supposed to get it lose. I'm hoping the cops are taking a close look at the ducks...

OK, enough with the food. You know, some times you want to talk to your lady but she just won't shut the hell up. So you go and bind her hands and gag her with duct tape so she has to listen to you. Is that so wrong? Well, yes. Yes it is.

And finally, why couldn't some angered senior citizen investors have kidnapped Bernie Madhoff? That would have made everyone's day!

It's Tuesday? Must be time for my chilli grenade!

This Tuesday's Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is filled with things that have little or nothing to do with health care reform. Well, at least not directly...

Ever eat something so spicy that your eyes water and you can't see? Ever accidentally (or on purpose, if that's your thing) inhale chili powder, or get some in your eyes? OK, take that and multiply it by a bunch, then put it in a hand grenade. Why? Because you're a military expert in India and you can, that's why!

Maybe the chili grenade is why this guy was hanging out in a bar wearing a hospital gown. Or maybe it was because he knew he was going to jail and wanted a beer.

OK, I'm not a big fan of pit bulls, but this one did it's job mighty well!

They say there's no such thing as bad press. So you'd think the Tiger Woods people would be OK with a Tiger blow-up doll. Maybe they're just ticked that they're not getting royalties...

The other week it was a guy fixing buildings and walls with Legos, this week it's a guy opening his first exhibition of Lego sculpture. Clearly I didn't apply myself enough in my youth!

You've seen all the Google Street View stunts, with people marching along beside the cars and holding up signs and whatnot. But the floating pliers over Cradley Heath in England are more mundane: a guy fixing the camera. Sigh.

Spring has sprung!

Well, it's Monday and time for the first Scott Chicken show of the spring on the ol' Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)! Here's what we've got cookin':

Ever have the police come knocking on your door looking for someone who doesn't live there? OK, multiply that by 50 times and you have these people's last 8 years.

OK, once again, if the Police are already looking for you for, say, an outstanding warrant, don't go do something stupid like lighting a match on an airplane.

Once in a while you just can't get to the library in time to return that book. Usually you get it back a few days late and pay 35 cents or whatever. And some times you forget about it for longer. Like, oh, 45 years.

Some people just don't understand the neighborhood benefits of a woman gardening wearing only a yellow thong and pink gloves.

I've always said peanut butter is dangerous. But I was talking about allergies, not getting one's head stuck in the jar. good thing I'm both allergic (and so not tempted) and not a skunk (and so unable to fit my head in the jar should I want to).

And in case you didn't spend all weekend tied up with the NCAA basketball tournament or the Paralympic sleigh hockey final, maybe you saw one of these movies.

A sunny Friday at Indy Radio

It's Friday, the sun is out, so take your radio or portable Internet listening device (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) along and hear me yammer on about these things in between songs from days of yore:

Today's criminal tip: When you break in to a store, don't use their computer to surf your MySpace page and look at porn.

Here's proof that some things are worth more than money: Remember that lady who wouldn't sell her house in Ballard, so they built a building around it? This guy would have gotten along with her quite well, thank you very much.

I thought the phrase was "trouser snake", not "bra snake"...

So say you're gay but still closeted, so you go to a brothel to hook up. Naturally you'd be careful going in and out in case anyone saw you, right? Well, that's all well and good until the place goes up in flames and leaves you naked on a balcony awaiting rescue...

Boomers everywhere are in tears: Fess Parker is dead. Who he, you ask? The guy who played Daniel Boone and made those coonskin caps popular back in the mid 50s. Kind of their generation's Fonzie or something.

You know that "picture in picture" window in the On Demand menu? The one that promotes other shows you could view that might cost you money? Yeah, I don't think they intended it to be used to show porn while you're browsing shows in the Preschool Kids On Demand section.

Thursday? Already?

Yes it is! And on today's mighty Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we'll learn that, even if you're drunk and cold, it's not OK to break in to someone's house and jump in bed with them. Seriously. Not OK.

Also not OK, no matter how drunk you are (or how much you want to win the fight), is biting a guy's ear. Yes, Iron Mike, I'm looking at you...

Continuing our list, while it's OK to be angry at someone for not loaning you their car keys to go on a beer run, it's not OK to go nuts and bust up the joint. Especially if you're drunk and probably shouldn't be driving anyway.

You know those spike strips the cops use to stop cars they're chasing? Yeah, well, they work pretty well. Even when they just fall out of the cop car on accident. Oops!

And speaking of oops, be sure to check that you're sending your text about illegal drugs to the right person. The wrong person, by the way, is a DEA agent.

And finally, remember the "cussing jogger?" Yeah, me neither. Well, I kind of remember...in any case, he's got a lawyer now so he can continue harrassing people

Fun with planes!

Other than the gratuitous Top Gun clip this is pretty cool...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's Saint Patrick's Day, and the Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is going green! First up, we're going to recycle some dinosaur dung to make a nice watch. Then we're going to increase our efficiency by making two DUI arrests in one traffic stop with the Alaska State Troopers. And speaking of green, we head next to Green Bay where people are stealing the nice green street signs for Mullet Place.

Green means natural, right? Well, I think this one is stretching it a bit...I mean, sure, Viagara isn't exactly natural, but neither is forcing your wife to have sex with 50 dudes. Well, not natural for most of us.

We continue recycling things with a guy making the worlds largest house of cards, which isn't so much a house as a replica of a casino that's 30 X 9 and used 218,792 cards.

And finally, we're green with envy that we don't have a German bullet from World War 2 stuck in our hip. OK, that's a lie, but it's still a good story...

Tuesday's radio has learned to tie it's boot lace.

Tuesday already? Then I must be talking about this crap on the mighty Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)!

New Hampshire has apparently solved all their problems, 'cause the legislature is now voting on whether the state drink should be milk or cider.

Clearly that time capsule wasn't as secure as they'd thought...

A town in Arizona is missing a 25-year-old bottle of brandy. When officials in Somerton opened a time capsule Saturday, they discovered mementos from 1985 - but didn't find a bottle of Mexican brandy that was supposed to be in the capsule.

The key steps when you set out to boobytrap your car to avoid it being stolen are a) setting the trap, and 2) successfully dismantling the trap. Otherwise you end up like this guy.

"When questioned about the incident, (the man) stated that he had set a booby trap as an anti-theft device by placing his loaded .38 caliber Smith and Wesson revolver with the hammer in the cocked position under his steering wheel," Gang Unit Detective Rob Thomas wrote in a police document.

"When he returned to his vehicle after jogging in the park he attempted to disarm his booby trap, accidentally set off the gun and shot himself in the leg."

What's the big deal? It's not like the dead people are going to use the syrup...

Maple syrup producers are under fire for tapping maple trees in Central Massachusetts cemeteries. The Worcester Telegram reports Monday that at least two cemeteries in Lancaster and one in Petersham have sap buckets on trees that stand along side rows of tombstones.

There are plenty of weapons available to the innovative bathroom-fighter. The lid of the toilet tank, for instance. And based on the picture, she's pretty damn proud that she thought of it!

According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger.

OK, we've all heard about the Kea, New Zealand's car-eating parrot thing. But here in the States we've got car-eating dogs.

Officer Clayton Holmes had been checking traffic speeds with radar and stopped to fill out a report when he felt his car shaking. He found a bulldog chewing on the tires. After the dog attacked two passing cars and a second police car, officers used pepper spray and a Taser on it, but the animal wasn't deterred.

By the time McCamey Animal Center staffers captured that dog and two others, it had chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off Holmes' patrol car.

Monday's news

On Monday's mighty Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) it's all about the boobies. Well, the first story anyway...

In Lynnwood if you heard that a woman had $26,000 in her bra you'd assume she'd had an expensive round of plastic surgery. In Spokane she's just a thief.

A fraud bust, indeed: Spokane County sheriff's deputies say a woman was hiding nearly $26,000 in her bra when she was booked into jail for investigation of theft.

Guy sells his blood to be able to afford his Packers season tickets. Then it turns out that had he not donated all that blood he might have died from a blood disease. Naturally, the team is sending him to the Packers hall of fame!

To afford his season tickets without taking money from his family, he began selling his blood for $15 per pint. His doctor later found that Becker's father died at age 43 of a condition in which the blood retains too much iron. The only treatment is to remove the iron by giving blood. By that time Becker had sold 145 pints to pay for his season tickets. He said if he hadn't, he too may have died young.

Insert inappropriate Airplane or Mission Impossible reference here. The great Peter Graves is gone.

Actor Peter Graves, best known for his starring role on TV's "Mission: Impossible," died Sunday. He was 83. While the cause of the actor's death was not immediately known, he apparently suffered a heart attack, his publicist said.

In a bow to the old Dead Milkmen song Stuart, Kennewick is installing artificial burrows for burrowing owls.

From the article:Volunteers and biologists with the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife and U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service have been installing artificial burrows to encourage the small owls to nest. The burrows are made of plastic barrels, pipe and a bucket.

From the song:
Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there's
the Wurster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, "What are
you looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl."
I say, "Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
the burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you
think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?"

In non-music news, people love that 3D Johnny Depp!

Alice is still ruling the movie palace. Johnny Depp and Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" easily remained the No. 1 weekend draw with $62 million, according to studio estimates Sunday. The Disney fantasy has climbed to a $208.6 million total domestically, becoming the first $200 million hit released this year.

Ok, remind me not to stand behind Mrs. Chicken when she's backing up, just on the off chance she's really trying to bump me off.

Sandy Telford ran over her husband, Terry, as she backed down the driveway of their rural property in the Hawke's Bay region, 350 kilometers (220 miles) north-east of Wellington, the Dominion Post newspaper reported.

Sunday marks the first Scott Chicken show of Daylight Saving time 2010!

Not that it's anything momentous...although thanks to the time change I'm getting an hour less sleep than usual. In any case, I'm going to talk about this crap on the radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) this morning:

Back in 1993, 2 days before I married Mrs. Chicken, we went to dinner with the wedding party at the Red Robbin on Seattle's waterfront. I parked under the always lovely Alaska Way Viaduct. And some jackass broke in to my car (an easily-broken-into 1970 VW Microbus) and stole several wedding presents and my tux. So I can feel her pain, even though the cops never found the tux or presents.

Delaware state police said someone broke into a car and stole a bridesmaid's dress just hours before a wedding on Friday at a shopping center in Pike Creek.

OK, losing a dress or a tux is bad. But what about a dead body?

A police tow truck removed a minivan parked outside a New York City funeral home, giving its dearly departed passenger an unexpected side trip. NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said there was "nothing to indicate it was more than just an illegally parked car." Redden's Funeral Home director Paul DeNigris said a windshield placard had fallen flat. The van's tinted windows helped obscure the white cardboard box that held the remains.

Further proof that people of all ages enjoy getting stoned, even in the back of police cars.

Police said they observed Switzer (age 77) making an illegal left turn on Jan. 31 and arrested him for driving with a revoked license. They say that while Switzer was in the back of the squad car, he reached into a coat pocket, pulled out a plastic tube containing marijuana and swallowed most of the contents. They said he also dropped the tube and a glass marijuana pipe on the floor of the car.

I suppose we should be grateful that the guys making these bills aren't very good at it...

The counterfeit money was made by bleaching $5 bills and printing $100 on the bleached paper. A weak image of Abraham Lincoln can been seen on a fake $100 that covered only half the sheet. A $100 bill had Ben Franklin on both sides.

Saturday Morning Chicken Feed

It's Saturday morning...what better way to spend it than with some music and me talking about this crap? Talking where, you ask? Why, on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200!

I always thought the whole "nurse gives you a happy ending to the sponge bath" thing was just a cheap bit in pr0n. Apparently not so in Holland.

The young woman witnessed some of the man's other nurses offering him sexual gratification, the union said. When she refused to do the same, he tried to dismiss her on the grounds that she was unfit to provide care.

And speaking of romance, maybe the whole "climb up to the balcony" thing isn't such a good idea after all...

A German woman, fearful that a burglar was trying to break into her second storey apartment, called police after she heard someone climbing up to her balcony shortly after midnight, police said Thursday. Police discovered the "burglar" was a man carrying flowers and a bottle of wine who turned out to be the woman's boyfriend, but then arrested him on an outstanding warrant.

A ban on salt? Really, New York? So all your other problems solved?

the proposals..could see restaurants fined $1,000 for each offence, reports Sky News.

I've got some Legos...wonder if there's any money in this?

"My work draws attention to the smallest parts of our cities that are falling apart because of the brightness of the Lego," said Jan Vormann, a Berlin-based installation artist.

"It draws people's attention through the coloured blocks and makes them aware that this wall or statue or construction is not complete anymore, for whatever reason."

Well, here's a way to get out of being sentenced for your DUI conviction: show up wasted to the hearing! Sure, it'll get you more time overall, but not that day!

Authorities said a 30-year-old-man showed up so drunk for his sentencing for drunken driving that he missed his hearing and now faces even more time behind bars.

And finally, this lady is waaaaaay tougher than me!

A 91-year-old New York pharmacy cashier refused medical attention and went back to work after a thief punched her. Florence Critelli grabbed the man's hand and screamed when he reached over and grabbed cash from her cash register at the Rite Aid in East Northport on Long Island. He punched her in the chest, knocking her down, before fleeing. "He hit me good," Critelli said.

But she refused to leave work early. She said she didn't want to just "sit there and be bored."

Friday's radio excellence

On today's very special Friday edition of the Scott Chicken Show (on Radio KYA and Super CFL, streaming at http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290 and http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 respectively) I will relate the following fascinating bits of news (OK, maybe fascinating is going too far...):

You know, some times you need a place of peace and quiet to view your pr0n. But doing it in church seems a bit, well, wrong. Or maybe hot. If that's what you're in to.

Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night...Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested.

I've heard about toad licking, but this is the first I've heard of snail sucking. Glad I'm not in THAT cult!

Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them...The man said he meant no harm, and his religion uses the snails in healing ceremonies. Followers said they got violently ill, losing weight and developing strange lumps in their stomachs.

They say practice makes perfect. Apparently for this guy all the drunk driving practice has yet to make him perfect.

Kingsport Police have filed a 10th DUI charge against a driver who was going about 20 miles per hour on Interstate 26 and weaving. The Kingsport Times -News reported that the 57-year-old man told the officer on Tuesday, "I'm drunk. Do what you gotta do."

This is why I always go along on the test drive when I'm selling a car: Man copies key on test drive, steals truck

Police believe the man stopped during the test drive to have a copy made of the truck's key. He returned the truck to the lot, but police believe he stole it overnight using the duplicate key.

Now you vegans can have self-righteous and annoying garbage cans to go with your Prius and hemp clothing!

The animal rights group PETA is offering to help the cash-strapped city of Colorado Springs by paying to put trash cans back in parks - on one condition. The cans have to carry an anti-meat slogan and a picture of a woman in a lettuce bikini.
For the record, I'm all for the lettuce bikini picture...maybe I can scratch off the slogan. Oh, wait, I'm not in Colorado Springs. Never mind.

Here's #2 for the week (unless I missed someone other than Haim). Sigh.

Los Angeles, California (CNN) -- Hall of Fame football player and actor Merlin Olsen, a giant man who friends say had an even larger heart, died Thursday after a long battle with cancer, football and university officials said. He was 69.

Today on the ol' Scott Chicken programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we find the following:

There's something fishy here...Pet shop owner claims fish is 43, weighs 20 pounds

A New York City pet shop owner says it's true: Buttkiss, the black pacu he owns, is 43 and weighs 20 pounds. A pacu is a breed that's related to the piranha. Steve Gruebel owns Cameo Pet Shop in Queens. He got Buttkiss in 1967 when he was just a wee thing. He sold him a year later when Buttkiss was two inches long. But in 1970, Buttkiss was returned when he outgrew the buyer's tank.

Today on "I didn't know I was pregnant"...Woman delivers surprise baby, picks up other son

A 32-year-old Kentucky woman who said she didn't know that she was pregnant delivered her newborn son on the floor of her laundry room by herself and even cut the umbilical cord. Kelly Bottom told The Advocate-Messenger that she also picked up her other son from school and stopped in at the baby's grandmother's house to show her the infant before going to the hospital Thursday.

Mrs. Chicken is a knitter, but I don't think she'd do anything this extreme...

An unknown person dubbed The Midnight Knitter by West Cape May residents is covering tree branches and lamp poles with little sweaters under cover of darkness.

You know, you'd think the take would be bigger if you robbed 11 people you would get more than $6

Authorities in Riverside County say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6.

OK, we can all agree that drunk driving is bad, and that a designated driver is good, but maybe you should find one who can legally drive!. Like maybe the 17-year-old.

A 37-year-old woman was accused of putting her 14-year-old behind the wheel because she was too drunk to drive. The woman was arrested Saturday after Washington County Sheriff's deputies stopped a vehicle on U.S. Highway 75 because of erratic driving. Deputies found the woman's 14-year-old son in the driver's seat and two other minors - ages 14 and 17 - in the car.

I've heard of birds and squirrels causing power outages, but never a

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

So long, Seneca! And other stories I deemed air-worthy

On today's show I will bring to the mighty Indy Radio airwaves (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) the following stories:

So long, Seneca! The Seahawks have traded their backup QB to the Cleveland Browns.

"This will give Seneca a chance for a fresh start," said new Seahawks general manager John Schneider. "The Browns front office's familiarity with his abilities will give him an opportunity to compete for playing time. We wish him nothing but the best."

Now here's a headline you don't see every day! Police hunt for Teddy Roosevelt walrus tusk thief. For the record, it's a tusk stolen from Teddy's house on Long Island. The story is in no way implying that Preident Roosevelt was actually a walrus. Although with that mustache you can't be too certain...

It's clearly a down economy when the human soul goes for under $1,000 US...

The "ghosts" were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch (New Zealand). She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says "dulls the spirits' energy."

A couple days ago it was breast milk assault. Today it's breast milk cheese.

Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of 'natural.'"

Reposessing the home was one thing, but when they came after her bird the gloves came off.

Forty-six-year-old Angela Iannelli sued Bank of America in Allegheny County on Monday. She claims her mortgage payments were on time when the contractor damaged furniture, took her pet parrot and padlocked the door to her Allison Park home in October.

I, like others, always assumed Feldman would be first.

Corey Haim, a 1980s teen heartthrob whose career was blighted by drug abuse, has died. He was 38. Haim died early Wednesday at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Los Angeles County coroner's Lt. Cheryl MacWillie said.

Tuesday's audio blather

On today's Scott Chicken radio programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will be discussing the following (and by "discussing" I mean I'll read the story, you either giggle along or shut off your radio/internet connection in dusgust):

First note to self: if I'm going on a theft spree my first item should be a car so I don't have to use cabs as getaway vehicles.

...the woman was arrested Friday after police were called to a Fred Meyer store on a report of a woman walking out without paying for a TV and trying to leave in a cab. Court records said the woman was arrested late last year for going into a Sam's Club on two occasions and allegedly stealing $6,000 worth of televisions, then loading them into a taxi.

Second note to self: Remember that all the detective stories talk about people returning to the scene of the crime? There's a reason to avoid doing that.

A Winter Haven, Florida, man was arrested after authorities said he took a winning scratch-off ticket back to the store he had stolen it from a day earlier...When the man went back to the store on Monday to claim the money, a clerk who was aware of the theft asked the man for his driver's license and wrote down the information. The clerk called the authorities, and deputies went to arrest the man.

Third note to self: If I find out I'm going to be on one of the "Most Wanted" TV shows, don't brag about it at a party.

Sean Kelley, 22, was found at a Magnolia party Friday night. A member of the Pacific Northwest Fugitive Task Force handling the case told KCPQ/13 Kelley was bragging about being a celebrity and that he was going to be on TV.

I'm not sure which part of this story is more wrong. That there's a guy who has parked in the same spot at a McDonalds every morning for the last 16 years, or that someone wanted to fight him over it. It doesn't help that the guys are 52 (alleged assaulter) and 85 (guy with the favorite spot).

Danger! Danger! Cleaning products wired to explode!

A suspicious device that forced employees out of a Redmond Safeway store overnight turned out to be a bottle of cleaning product with wires taped to the outside...Officials said the bottle contained the cleaning product Scrubbing Bubbles.

Finally I can get to the local tavern for a quick beer and sammich between the front and back 9 without having to get in my car or, God forbid, walk. Why? Because the Washington Legislature just OK'd a bill to let golf carts on roads!

Drivers would have to be at least 16 years old and must follow the same road rules as those driving regular vehicles. Carts that are operated in golf cart zones must have reflectors, rearview mirrors, and seatbelts. A person with a revoked license would not be allowed to drive a golf cart on a public road in a golf cart zone.

Because handsome comes from the withinside.

Monday's post-Oscar, post-Razzie radio delights

On today's mighty Scott Chicken Post-Oscar Radio Programme (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will cover these fascinating stories:

Hey, there was some awards show or something yesterday...here's who won what.

In addition to the awards, some people went to see some movies in actual movie theaters! Here's how much money they spent on the latest 3D wonder from Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter's freakishly large head.

Oh, and since the Oscars were yesterday, the winners (if you want to call them that) of the Razzies were announced on Saturday! To quote the lovely Sandra Bullock (winner of Worst Actress for her role in All About Steve:

"I'm more comfortable with criticism than I am with goodwill, because I'm more familiar with it, and I've made friends with it," she told Entertainment Weekly. "And the Razzies are a great honor."

For the record, I don't condone breast milk assaults. But I have to wonder if a male jailer would have pressed charges...Woman charged in breast milk assault on jailer

...as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her. The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at $10,000.

This is why I don't let anyone look at my phone. Oh, and don't have any psycho exes...Woman allegedly stabs ex after looking at phone

According to police, Shaw and her 29-year-old ex-husband were at her home late Thursday when she became upset after looking through his cell phone's call history. Detectives said Shaw pulled out a knife and started swinging at her ex-spouse, striking him at least three times. Authorities said his injuries were not life-threatening.

OK, I can understand camping out for something super cool, like, oh, concert tickets or something, but soft-serve ice cream? Really? Granny camps out 43 hours for grandson's ice cream

Michelle Cuestas of Green Bay used two vacation days and camped out for 43 hours to make sure her grandson would be first in line for the 2010 opening of a Stevens Point ice-cream landmark. Belts' Soft Serve opened for the year Friday at 11 a.m. Thanks to grandma, 6-year-old Brayden Banks placed the first order.

Sunday's Chicken Radio Fun House Hour of Mystery

On this morning's Scott Chicken Radio Fun House (as always on Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200 - one note, the streams are having issues, so they may or may not work) we will relay the following hopefully entertaining stories:

#47 on the list of reasons I'm glad I'm not a cop: Police say cook put body hair in cop's sandwich

The Courier-Post of Cherry Hill reports police asked them not to report the incident for fear of copycat crimes. The paper published the story anyway.
And so did the AP, and now so am I. But don't get any ideas, people!

Who says the mortuary business has to be drab and sad? Mass. mortuary hopes chili cook-off brings 'life'

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying "bring life" to business with a chili cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries...Among other other events sponsored by the funeral home are an art walk, a visit by the Easter Bunny, and monthly birthday cakes to the Pittsfield Senior Center.

If you're going to steal a getaway car, make sure it goes over 30. SC cop stops go-cart, arrests man on drug charges

...The deputy had heard a report of a stolen go-cart and turned on his lights and siren after spotting it less than a half mile from Sweezy's home. Sweezy is charged with resisting arrest, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and public drunkenness.

Click and Clack of Car Talk fame always say "things get pretty interesting when a wheel comes off." I don't think this was the wheel they meant (although the result was the same): Man OK after steering wheel pops off while driving

... the 59-year-old man was driving his 1978 Buick on Thursday afternoon on State Route 530 when his steering wheel came off, the car left the road, went down an embankment, up the other side, and crashed into a barn. The man narrowly missed a power pole and several small barns with baby cows inside.

The wife just got off of Jury Duty...I'll have to ask her if she remembers taking the oath, otherwise the guy they convicted might just be off the hook! No oath, no conviction, Mich. court says

A Michigan man sent to prison for 15 years is getting a new trial after the judge failed to do a routine procedure - ask the jury to take an oath...Assistant prosecutor David King says his office might appeal to the Michigan Supreme Court. He says Becktel's trial attorney never objected to the lack of a jury oath.

I've heard the term "Banana Hammock", but this is rediculous: Aussie underwear has gone bananas (the product page comes complete with video featuring hunky men carrying around bananas)

Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas. The new eco-friendly banana range of undies incorporates 27 percent banana fiber, 64 percent cotton and 9 percent lycra, AussieBum's Lloyd Jones said on Friday..."Naturally you can't really add anymore banana fiber than that because it might be a bit squishy," said Jones, adding that wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, as the underwear does not smell like a banana.

Saturday's Chicken Radio Fiesta

It's my weekend to be the mighty morning host on the ol' Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). Here's what's coming up this morning:

Hypocrite of the week, candidate 1: A 45-year-old woman, charged with ending a domestic dispute by killing her 26-year-old husband of five days, is a registered lobbyist for a group fighting domestic violence.

Officials said Bridges claimed she was unemployed. But records show she is a lobbyist for an organization called the National Declaration for Domestic Violence Order; its Web site says the group is pushing legislation to create a database of those convicted of sex crimes or domestic abuse.

Well, my wife meets two of the three criteria, so maybe we're not doomed after all: Scientists find mathematical formula for the perfect wife

A bride should be five years younger than her groom, should come from the same cultural background, and be the more intelligent of the pair if couples are to have a successful marriage, scientists have announced.

Hypocrite of the week, candidate 2: Anti-Gay State Sen. Got DUI After Leaving Gay Nightclub, Sources Say.

Early Wednesday morning, State Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. Sources report that Ashburn -- a fierce opponent of gay rights -- was driving drunk after leaving a gay nightclub; when the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, there was an unidentified man in the passenger seat of the car.

But wait...that's not all! In a follow-up story from SFGate, we find that Ashburn takes leave amid questions over his sexual orientation!

Lucky duck of the day: Firefighters free duck stuck in Santa Fe chimney

Fire Chief Tommy Anderson said the homeowner heard the bird and lit a fire, hoping the duck would get out on its own from the open-top chimney. Anderson said the plan backfired, when "it filled her house with smoke."

Some times wishes DO come true! Utah man determined to get arrested gets his wish

A man rebuffed in an attempt to get arrested, finally got his wish when he went for an officer's handgun...And he might have gotten more than he bargained for. Police said he was hit with several charges including a serious felony of disarming a peace officer.

Here we go again...another banner free agency loss! Source: Burleson gets $11M guaranteed. Too bad it's guaranteed by the Lions...

Nate Burleson agreed to a five-year, $25 million deal from the Detroit Lions, according to a source.

On the always exciting Scot Chicken Show

Today on the Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...the KYA feed is here: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290. Super CFL is here: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200/) we will discuss:

Oh, way to go, Science! Way to ruin yet another great story! Elma man electrocuted through wire, not urine

"...autopsy results show that an Elma man who was killed by touching a downed power line was electrocuted through his hand and not through his urine stream as first suspected."

An update on a story from yesterday: Official: Grass case against Calif. man to be cut

Prosecutors say a Southern California man who removed his grass to save water now has enough drought-tolerant plants to comply with an ordinance requiring 40 percent of a yard be covered with live landscaping.

What's not to like about bikini babes selling coffee? Apparently something, at least in Colorado...Some unhappy with bikini ad for Perky Cups coffee

Aurora City Council member Molly Markert called the picture on the 10-by-20-foot banner "degrading to women," but she says it's legal.

Man, I hates me some gum-related vandalism. Then again, I also hate being caned. Still a sticky issue: Singapore keeps gum ban

The ban, first imposed in 1992, is necessary to reduce gum-related litter and vandalism, Mohamad Maliki Bin Osman, parliamentary secretary of the national development ministry, told lawmakers Thursday.

Goats and Emus in Texas, monkeys in the state of disaster that is Florida. What the hell is going on with the animal kingdom? Elusive Fla. monkey dodges captors, defies darts

Yates says the monkey is smart, even stopping to check traffic before crossing a busy street. Officials didn't say how the monkey got loose. They say it isn't considered a threat to humans.

Now this is the kind of shrink I'm looking for! Patients try to keep appointments with jailed doc

At a hearing Tuesday, witnesses said the psychiatrist towered over his bloodied patient with a sword in both hands before he was distracted and had the weapon wrestled away from him.

Today on the Scott Chicken radio programme...

I've been slack about the ol' blogeroonio, and I figured I 'd use it for some shameless self-promotion of the Scott Chicken radio programme over on Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...listen to the KYA feed by opening this link in your preferred audio playing software application: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290. For Super CFL use this'un: http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200/). Because really, what's the point in having the highest rated LPFM afternoon program in Grays Harbor County (not to mention the Cowlitz Valley) if you don't plug yourself?

So here's what's on today from noon to seven:

Grant County escapee caught sinking in Moses Lake. As my mamma always told me, don't try to swim a lake when you're handcuffed and wearing a jail jumpsuit.

Mad emu attacks deputies along El Paso freeway. Man, there's something weird going on down in Texas...yesterday it was a goat roaming free, today it's an Emu.

No harm in naked woman tied to tree in Tacoma park. That is so true...

Claustrophobic Kentuckey deputy tries to shoot his way out of cell. I'm thinking a jail isn't the best place to be if you're claustrophobic...I'm just sayin'.

Mice infest UK's Westminster Palace in London. Hey, that's better than the rats we've got in Congress! Am I right? Huh?

There's also a story about a couple in SoCal who were going on trial for tearing out their lawn to save water, but I can't find the link (and tomorrow's exciting show will feature an update anyway, so what's the point?)!