Nominee for understatement of the week

From a story on CNN.com with the delightful headline "Severed head flies from truck in 'bizarre and tragic' collision":

"It was one of the more horrific and complex crime scenes on memory," Hightower said. "A woman and her child killed in a crash, and a severed head from an earlier homicide: It's nothing short of bizarre and tragic."

From the "I may not know art, but I know what I like" school of thinking

Art gallery loses its head, displays plinth

"Plinth" being the thing that the sculpture stands on. Apparently the sculpture (a head) and the stand were separated and, according to a statement by the Royal Academy, "Given their separate submission, the two parts were judged independently. The head was rejected. The base was thought to have merit and accepted."

Man, that must have been once nice plinth. Or one really crappy head...

Yet another favorite web site

Google Idol. Unearthing the world's talent...so you don't have to.

As fun as the auditions for American Idol are, wouldn't it be better if the people were lip-synching to real singers' work on a web cam? Of course it would. Which is why Google Idol is so darn great. It almost makes me want to bust a move.

Almost.

Logan's directorial debut

So Logan Chicken, age 9, is now a director of film. I'll post more of his work at a later date, but here's his first forray in to the world of stop-motion animation. I served as technical consultant, camera man, and Lego-wrangler, although he handled the shark's exit (which, I hope you'll agree, is far more realistic than his lame entrance).

What I love possibly most of all is that the "Handless Guy" is smiling as he walks off. And now, without further ado, here it is:

Handless Guy (Because of shark)

My new favorite web site

Where can you see the Internet's finest lip synch stars? Google Idol, that's where.

Adding to the list...

The list of people I don't really want to see topless: Deputy Dawn Rene Roberson of the Garland County, Arkansas, sheriff's department. Apparently she was on several other peoples' list too, 'cause they called the authorities on her and now she's out of a job.

Proof?

So, I read the following quote in this story on Yahoo's news page today: " 'The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions,' the official said. 'A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery.' "

So, is that conclusive proof that God does not exist? I'd have to say no, it just proves that if God does exist she's perfectly willing to let people kill themselves. And I have no problem with that.

Police statement of the week

"'We're not saying this is illegal,' Balzano said. 'We would just like to know what it means.'"

Run Recap

Just realized I'd forgotten to post a recap of the Over the Dam Run, or as the back of the shirt says, "The Best Run By A Dam Site."

Well, the words that pop to mind are hot, dry, painful, and fun. I survived. I was not the last person to cross the finish line. Nor was I the last man to cross the finish line. Nor was I lapped by any of the half-marathon runners (although it was close...the first of them came in about 15 minutes after me).

At the same time, I was not fleet of foot. I made about the time I expected (I think the official time was 1:14 or so). Could I have run faster? Possibly. But I didn't.

My results:

• 95th overall (out of 116 10k runners)
• 54th out of 58 men
• Last (7th) in my age group (35 - 39)
  

Elements that acted against me that I will need to focus on in the future:

1. Weather: I'm from Seattle. It's cool and damp most of the time, and I like that. The run was in Grand Coulee where it is warm and dry. The marathon is in Portland in September where it will likely be warm or hot and dry-ish. Fortunately, it will be hot and dry-ish this summer when I'm racking up the miles.
2. Hills: the course had two fairly brutal hills. My training route doesn't. The Marathon has one killer hill at mile 17 and another one somewhere else. I need to start shifting my training route to work in more hills, clearly!
3. Food: my normal running time is around 5 AM. I get up, drink some water, hit the Albuterol, get dressed and head out. I don't eat until I'm back and out of the shower. On race day I got up and dressed, ate, then drove for 2 hours to the race site. I then ate a banana and some "SportBeans" (which, I might add, are delicious) and drank more water. This, plus the sun and hills, led to some gastric distress and resulted in a pit stop at about mile 3.5. As the milage increases I'm going to have to figure out how to manage the energy level so I don't hit the wall too early (or at all). Any suggestions, anyone?

You go, Willie!

From Contactmusic.com:

"American singer WILLIE NELSON uses marijuana to judge the quality of the new melodies he writes. The 73-year-old has smoked cannabis for most of his adult life and is a campaigner to have the drug legalised. And he insists smoking joints helps rather than hinders his songwriting. He says, 'I figured if it wasn't worth remembering it probably wasn't a very good song, so that would be the test, to see if I remembered it (after smoking a joint and) got back to a guitar or a piano. 'That was usually a pretty good measuring stick, but I'm sure I forgot a few that might have been OK.'"

Headline of the week: BBC axes pole dancing

From our good friends at The Sun Online. Apparently they were going to do a "Pole Dancing With the Stars" show or something, then cut it when people complained. Sissies.

"Protect and Serve?" Apparently not in Baltimore...

Lots of punch lines to go with this one, but I'll go with the obvious: "here's why you don't stop to ask directions."

Couple Arrested For Asking For Directions

And why is this relevant?

So in today's Seattle PI there's an article with this headline: Utility pays $8 million in fatal gas explosion. It tells the tale of Frances Schmitz, a 68-year-old woman from Bellevue whose house exploded due to corrosion of a gas line. She was horribly burned, died as a result, and the family sued. All well and good.

Then you get to the last line of the article: "Schmitz was the sister of Seattle strip-club magnate Frank Colacurcio Sr."

Why does that matter? Does it make her family less worthy of the settlement than if her brother had been, say, a Priest or Rabbi? Or does her brother's profiting from the baser natures of man make her a target for God's wrath via Puget Sound Energy? Or was it just a factoid the reporters had on hand and they figured they'd better put it in somewhere?

Finally, some good legal news

If you've ever seen my swing, you know why this is important.

Golfer Not Liable for Errant Golf Ball

Real Men of Genius

Well, real boys of genius, anyway...

Teen Says Friend Asked to Be Hit With Car

Man, I wish I had a tape of that little conversation...

Two pieces of running inspiration for the week

First up we have Jim Hicks from Spokane (I think...). I know I'm overweight...by standard BMI readings I'm so obese I shouldn't be able to get off the couch (apparently it's not normal for a guy who's 5'7 to weigh 225 or whatever I'm at right now). But then, the BMI doesn't account for "frame size" and I've got a big one. "Big Boned" as my sainted mother would say.

Anyhow, I've got nothing on Jim. He started out close to 600 pounds a few years ago, now he's down to 195 and does triathlons. He's running the half marathon distance in the Over the Dam run this Sunday.

Second we have Steven Bethune, a 24-year-old grad student at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. He's not 600 pounds. In fact, from the picture he looks like a runner. Which is good, since this summer he's going to run across the freaking country to raise money for the American Heart Association. He's trying to raise $50,000, which works out to what...$16.67 a mile or so? He's starting in New York on August 15th and will end up in California some time later. The "Itinerary" link on the site doesn't work, so we can't see the route, but the word is he's going to average about 40 miles a day which, assuming he takes no time off at all (which would be insane...) would put him in California some time in late October or early November.

I now no longer think that running a marathon in October is crazy, nor does it seem dauntingly impossible. But then, I haven't had to run more than 5.5 miles yet...

Score one for the Phillippines

Headline of the day: Penis reattached after maid cuts it off

"Earlier this month newspapers reported that the maid removed her employer's manhood when he tried to molest her in the middle of the night as his wife was sleeping. The maid is now in police custody."

I find the use of "molest" in this paragraph interesting...we almost always see "molest" in terms of children rather than adults, so wouldn't the word here be "rape?" Or does "rape" inherintly imply violence? According to Dictionary.com the definition of "molest" is this:

Molest transitive verb
1 : to annoy, disturb, or persecute esp. with hostile intent or injurious effect
2 : to make annoying sexual advances to; specifically : to force physical and usually sexual contact on (as a child)

Or perhaps the reasoning for the choice of "molest" is in the definition of "rape":

rape n.
1. The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.
2. The act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction.
3. Abusive or improper treatment; violation: a rape of justice.

Since this is a case in Saudi Arabia perhaps "molest" is the proper word, since there's probably no law against a man forcing himself on his maid.

If she's lucky she'll be deported and sent back home. If she's not, well, I don't think I want to know what the punishment is for disenmanhoodization.

Coincidence?

I think not...on the same day that Governor Gregoire selects the state quarter design with a salmon and Mt. Rainier (the top one), CNN reports that a giant fin is growing out of the crater of Mt. St. Helens.

Can anyone deny that the good mountain is expressing her displeasure at the Governor's (and on-line voter's) dissing of the Orca design (bottom one)?

Headlines of the day

And they're both about people with problems I don't have:

Nicole Richie Trying to Gain Weight

Bill Gates wishes he weren't so rich

Things that will make you stop drinking, #173

Finding a "pickled corpse" at the bottom of your Rum barrel. And we're not talking about a rat or something, no, it's a 20-years-dead naked man.

Fortunately, according to those who drank the run, it had a "special taste"...

Word of the day

Courtesy of the fine folk at the Urban Dictionary: Rail:

1. Rail

To fornicate with, without regard for emotional attachment.

I want to rail your sister, hard.

There are 18 other definitions (most involving drugs), but this is the only one that mentioned your sister.

From the people who brought you the Duct Tape Chemical Attack Safety Plan

Your friends at FEMA, or Homeland Security, or whatever Government Agency is in charge of the next major panic would like you to remain calm and review the safety instructions at PandemicFlu.gov.

There, you will learn that the Government's Pandemic Planning Assumptions are "based largely on the 1918 influenza epidemic"

You'll also learn that, for example, Washington State "will receive $1,990,994 from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) to use for pandemic planning activities." Glad they didn't round that up to an even $1,991,000 for us... (find out what YOUR state is getting here)

Darwin at work: Soap Lake man selected out

There's no picture of the guy, but we can only assume he had a mullet...

From the Seattle PI:

Soap Lake man electrocuted while trying to reconnect power
SOAP LAKE, Wash. -- A man whose electrical service was cut off because of unpaid bills was electrocuted while trying to restore power to his isolated rural home, Grant County sheriff's deputies said.
Joseph M. Sims, 44, fell 20 feet to the ground and could not be revived after he was hit by 7,620 volts of electricity while using two large metal poles to try to reinstall a fuse in the line to the rental home about seven miles northeast of this central Washington town, deputies and Coroner Jerry D. Jasman said.
He made the attempt several hours after his residence was disconnected by the Grant County Public Utility District on Monday for nonpayment, sheriff's Deputy John Turley said.

Cool product of the week

Yeah, I know that the headline makes it seem like I do a cool product every week. But still, the SawStop is a really cool product. If I a) had a bunch of money, b) had a shop, and c) still did any wood-working I'd buy this sucker in a heartbeat.

The "Hot Dog Demo" video (Windows Media or QuickTime) would have been more impressive if it was the guy's finger, but hey, it's still pretty darn cool.

Father of the year

I'm not sure exactly what is the worst thing about this picture. Is it the matching haircuts? Is it Dad's slightly evil look that leads me to believe he's eyeing a nubile young high-school cheerleader? Is it that Dad appears to be riding a BMX bike? Or is it the whole "taking the kid on a bike ride in a backpack with no helmet while talking on a cell phone" thing?

Holy Wally World, Batman!

Man, 4 hours in a school bus is rarely fun, but to spend those 4 hours on the bus only to learn that the Amusement Park is closed is, I'm guessing, even LESS fun. Wouldn't have wanted to be the teacher that broke THAT little piece of news!

I'm a little behind the times...

I didn't realize someone had developed a guide for those who do not want the Earth to be there anymore.

Thankfully, people who know this kind of thing are putting it on the web where we can all find it. Personally, I'm in favor of #4, "Meticulously and systematically deconstructed".

Another invention you didn't know you needed

The inflating thumb drive.

I won't be doing this October 1st

No Joggling for me. Nor anything approaching a 3 hour time.

Nor was I aware before reading this that there was such a thing as the "International Sport Juggling Federation. Not that you'll learn anything from their web site, but the pictures are nice.

The Saint Paul Saints strike again

Yet another genius give-away from America's favorite baseball team. 'cause nothing says "Hometown Giveaway" like "Make fun of the local NFL team's misadventures!"

Unfortunately, the boat doesn't come with a free pass for a lap dance.

And all this time I thought stretching was to KEEP you from getting hurt...

OK, I am officially middle-aged. I can no longer deny my middle-agedness. Why? Because my back went out.

Oh holy crap...

If I ever mocked you for your lower-back pain, I'm truly and deeply sorry.

Oh sweet Jesus make it stop...

So to set the stage, it's Tuesday. And Tuesday mornings I go running. Nothing huge, just 3 miles.

You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you!

Before I run, I stretch. The standard stuff...some hamstring hangs, calf stretches, a couple floor-based hamstring / buttock / inner thigh stretches. So I'm on the floor, doing that hammy stretch where your right foot is against your left thigh and you're reaching down to your left toe, and everything is going fine.

Goddamn I'm a woos...

And then it isn't. As far as I can tell, every single muscle in my lower back - and based on how it feels I'm guessing there are six million and seven of them - decided that it was time to contract. I believe in medical terms that's called a "spasm". In Scott Chicken terms it is called "Holy fuck that hurts!"

Hey, I think the massive dose of pain killers is finally starting to take effect...

So I ended up spending about 5 minutes on my hands and knees in the basement this morning, thinking "Gee, its 4:45 AM, no one's awake, and I can't move. This isn't good."

Oh yeah they are...

So I finally got to my feet without exploding, hobbled up stairs, ate a banana, and had some Oxycontin I had left over from last summer's gum surgery. And now I'm waiting for it to kick in, and the doctor's office to open so I can go get more and better drugs.

Hey look, birdies!

Then I'll spend the rest of the day trying to find a position to sit that doesn't hurt. Whee!

Please feel free to laugh and/or commiserate as you see fit!

The Federal Bureau of Unfortunate Names strikes again

From our friends at CNN.com, an article about how a FEMA / Homeland Security report on criticism of FEMA's Katrina response shows most of it was deserved: "'Much of the criticism is warranted,' Inspector General Richard L. Skinner writes."

I want no part of any investigation headed by Inspector General Dick Skinner, thank you very much!

Forget Bird Flu...

Look out for the freakin' Mumps!

From Washington to Florida...

In Pasco the Mullet is the king of hair.

Even with $666,000 a year coming in, with hair like that you just ain't gonna pay no taxes.

Ancient Book May Be Covered in Human Skin - Yahoo! News

The last book I heard of being bound in human skin was the Necronomicon in the great "Evil Dead" series. But I must say, after reading this paragraph I must say I'm disturbed:

"The practice, known as anthropodermic bibliopegy, was sometimes used in the 18th and 19th centuries when accounts of murder trials were bound in the killer's skin."

The question is, am I more bothered by the fact that this practice has a scientific name, or by the odd sence of justice found in binding the trial account in the executed murderer's skin?

"German gnome historians"

I had no idea Garden Gnomes were such a hot topic in Germany. First David Hasselhof, now Gnomes.

Not sure what to think of this

I've never really needed a light show to look at a woman's chest...

Well, I suppose I'm committed

That or I should be committed. One of those.

I finally registered for the Portland Marathon. So now I'm about a hundred bucks poorer and I'm guaranteed a t-shirt and a bib. And a heaping helping of pain on October 1st. And 2nd. And, most likely, 3rd.

The one thing that worries me about the whole deal is not the two guys who died during the L.A. Marathon this year, 'cause they were old(er) and had probably eaten more donuts than me. No, it's the waiver I had to acknowledge having read when I registered. Here is the key first paragraph (the rest of it is a disclaimer for Active.com to get them off the hook if someone steals my credit card and buys a bunch of HDTVs)...I've highlighted the key points:

In consideration of your accepting this entry, I, the undersigned, intending to be legally bound, hereby, for myself, my family, my heirs, executers, and administrators, forever waive, release & discharge any and all rights & claims for damages & causes of suit or action known or unknown, that may have against The Portland Marathon, The Oregon Road Runners Club, The City of Portland, Multnomah County and all other political entities, the Portland Terminal RR Co., and it's owners, including PDC, Union Pacific, Southern Pacific & Burlington Northern Railroads, all independent contractors & construction firms working on or near the course, all Portland Marathon Race Committee persons, Officials & Volunteers, & all sporsors of the Marathon, & the related Marathon Events & their officers, directors, employees, agents & representatives, successors, & assigns, for any and all injuries that may be suffered by me in this event. I attest that I am physically fit, am aware of the dangers & precautions that must be taken when running in warm or cold conditions, & have sufficiently trained for the completion of this event. I also agree to abide by any decision of an appointed medical official relative to my ability to safely continue or complete the Run. I further assume and will pay my own medical & emergency expenses in the event of an accident, illness or other incapacity regardless of whether I have authorized such expenses. Further, I hereby grant full permission to The Portland Marathon and/or agents hereby authorized by them, to use any photographs, videotapes, motion pictures, recording, or any other record of this event for any legitimate purpose at any time. I further understand that there are no entry refunds, exchanges, transfers or rollovers, and that the event may be cancelled due to severe weather conditions, natural disasters, or threats to local and national security including suspected terrorist activity. I have read this waiver carefully & understand it.

OK...a couple of questions this brings to mind:

1. The Railroad bit: how many miles of train track am I going to be running on? I don't recall that from the brochure.
2. Weather: Man, this is a perfect legal disclaimer, isn't it? I mean, talk about covering your bases...it's October 1st in Portland. The average temperatures for Portland in October are 64 for a high and 44 for a low and a mean of 55. Granted, the extremes are pretty extreme - record high of 93 back in '87, and a record low of 33 back in '50, but I'm going to take my chances anyway.
3. Terrorist strike: Wait, there are terrorist threats against Marathons? What the hell? What kind of terrorist group would plan to bring the U.S. to it's knees by attacking a group of idiots running 26.2 miles in Portland freaking Oregon? I mean, the Boston marathon I can understand, 'cause it's famous. And the New York marathon makes sense 'cause it's in New York and everyone knows the Al Quaeda has hated New York ever since Osama couldn't get a cab home from watching Cats back in the 80s. But Portland? I think not.

One good thing about the run is they allow you to customize your bib number. So naturally mine will say "SChicken" on it, along with my mighty bib number 550 (they limited it to 8 letters...what could I d0?)

I thought this was already solved...

Didn't Godzilla take care of this back in the 60's? Or was that just in Japan?
Moth threatens to turn China's 'Green Olympics' brown

Things that will ruin your Hawaiian vacation

Sunburn
High gas prices
Too many mai tais
Poi
Rip tide
Inability to pronounce "Humuhumunukunukuapuaa"
Beach closed due to sewage spill

Who knew?

"Apple Computer Inc. is on the defensive in Europe for the second time in as many weeks as the company prepares to battle The Beatles' record label for its right to distribute music in the United Kingdom's highest court."

Who knew there was a market for distributing music in the UK's highest court? That Steve Jobs, he's always pushing the edge.

Yes, yes it did.

"[Police] also say the oil made it hard for them to get a good grip on him."

Naked, Oily Man Attacks Police With Nunchucks

Six Busted in Wet T-Shirt Contest

Two things...first, I'd say anyone "six busted" would probably lose the contest anyway, 'cause that's just not natural.

Second, here's the last paragraph: "Also charged were: Louis Adrian Green, 34, of Essixville, Michigan, Christopher Scott, 21 of Saginaw, Michigan, Dianna Chang , 23 of Naperville, Illinois, and an Illinois man was charged with resisting an officer without violence." So what's the deal with the Illinois guy? Who'd he pay off so they wouldn't mention his name?

Must-see TV

'The Simpsons' to Show Live-Action Opening

"'I'm just amazed there are people who want to be known for looking like the Simpsons,' said Al Jean, the show's executive producer."

Amen to that, Al! I've almost got Homer's hair, and I definitely have the gut...I'll have to stock up on the white polo shirts, though.

I think we've been dissed...

From everyone's favorite news source, The Onion: Ichiro: 'The Best Part About Playing For My Country Was Not Playing For The Seattle Mariners'

Then again, that might actually be true!

Finally, a gadget I DON'T need!

Sure, the running thing has led to a gadget or two...I've got the Garmin GPS thingy, at some point I'll get a hydration belt, but I'm glad to say I don't need a pair of shoes with a built-in MP3 player.

It rarely gets better than this...

And by "It" I mean the opening paragraphs of this story: "ATASCADERO, Calif. - A retired salesman alleged a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. John Skinner, 54, said he was on his way to Bible study on Jan. 23 when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram.

"Murphy said a friend had already paid for the show, police said.

"When Skinner agreed to let her perform, knife wielding Richard Adam, 23, allegedly forced his way inside and told Skinner he owed Murphy, owner of Bikini Assassins, and another woman money for earlier services."

It has it all: An older dude presumably not getting much and resorting to escort services; Bible study; knives; and most importantly, Bikini Assassins.

But the best part comes later, when Bible-studying Skinner says "he owed Talbert money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex."

As I said, it's got it all.

My almost but not quite brush with death

Or at least injury. Or the injury of a cop. One of those...

Anyway, as I was heading home yesterday I stopped (well, the guy two cars ahead of me stopped) to let the officer involved in this North Seattle collision go through the intersection at 105th and Aurora. Which means that about the time I was rolling through the intersection he was plowing into / being plowed into by the other car.

A bittersweet sports day

The bitter: Kirby Puckett dead at 45 following a stroke. I loved Kirby. He was everything I wished I could be as an outfielder: a good hitter with decent range and a fair arm. And he was pudgy. Gotta love a pudgy baseball player.




The sweet: the Seahawks signed Sean Alexander to an 8-year deal. While I have my issues with Sean (he has a tendency to dance around rather than just hitting the hole and running up field) I do love to watch him run the open field. Now that this deal is done it's time for the team to get Hutch under contract. Like, oh, now.

What, no frickin' laser beams?

Pentagon mulling 'stealth sharks' to patrol the seas

Sharks with neural implants? What could possibly go wrong?

Bumpuses!!!!!!

Geez, 2 down! First Don Knotts, now
Darren McGavin. I never watched Kolchak back in the day ('cause I was what, 6? Something like that), but I love him in A Christmas Story.

The big question, of course, is who will #3 be?

RIP, Mr. Furley

Wasn't much of a fan of Andy Griffith, but I loved Three's Company. But then, what young boy of the 70s didn't like looking at Suzanne Sommers in short shorts? Well, Don Knotts did, that's for sure!

Don Knotts, TV's Ralph Furley, Dies at 81

Running update

So I’m now in my 4th week of pretending to be a runner, and I think it might be getting easier. Maybe. Not that I can run a significant distance yet, but I do seem to be able to run for slightly longer periods. I’ve worked out a route from the house that covers about 2.25 miles, and I can do it in at or under a half hour. I’ve continued the “interval” training plan I started on, but have moved away from the original plan of 10 minutes of a walking warm-up, 15 minutes of a 30 second jog/30 second walk pattern, 5 minutes walking cool-down. I’m now jogging longer (I haven’t had a watch with me lately, so I’m going by strides) and walking roughly the same amount (again, strides I’m trying to keep a 4-1 ratio, jogging 200 steps, walking 50).

That all changes, naturally, when I’m at the gym. Then I tend to do the “Interval” setting on the tread mill for 30 minutes: 2 minute walk, 2 minute jog, repeat as necessary.

I’m also thinking of shifting my intermediate goal. Originally I was going to run the Beat the Bridge 8k race on May 21st...now I’m thinking a better option might be the Over the Dam 10k the weekend before. It’s in Coulee Dam, Washington, best known as the home of, well, the Grand Coulee Dam. The run starts in town, loops around one side of the river, then runs across the dam and up another loop.

The advantage of this run, other than the cool “running over the largest concrete structure in the world” part, is that it gets me up to the 6-mile “long run” mark that the marathon training plan hits at the end of the first week. And it gives me two weeks between the race and starting the marathon plan to recover and start increasing the mid-week mileage (the marathon plan starts out at 3 miles a day, T-W-Th, then 6 on Saturday the 10k plan ends off with 3 on Tuesday, 2 on Thursday and 5.5 on Sunday [not counting the 6.2 on race day]).

Of course, since I twisted my ankle yesterday in the back yard (an injury made all the worse because I did it stepping in a hole I dug) I won't be running for a few days...stupid ankles...

Next update will be Friday or so when my new toy shows up!

Very cool illusion

Colors are cool. Too bad the instructions are so small...

Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment...

Man's Elbow, Mistaken for Squirrel, Shot

It's rare to find an elbow with a bushy tail, but then they grow 'em weird up there in Michigan.

Cartoon Protests Deadly in Afghanistan - Yahoo! News

OK, is it just me or are the headlines around this whole Prophet Mohammed cartoon thing kind of misleading? I mean, it sounds like it's a bunch of 'toons protesting something. Or like the cartoon itself is protesting "Deadly in Afghanistan", which might be a movie or TV show or something. In any case, here's the lastest headline: Cartoon Protests Deadly in Afghanistan

And a fine quote that earns today's "gee, you think?" award: "Senior Afghan officials said al-Qaida and the Taliban could be exploiting anger over the cartoons to incite violence, which spread to at least six cities in a second day of bloody unrest in Afghanistan."

Life imitates "My Name is Earl"

Arcade Claw Offers Live Lobster Prizes - Yahoo! News

"Working a joystick and a pair of buttons, Margel lowers the claw, clamps it around the lobster and attempts to lift it out of the water. But the lobster fights back and escapes before he can deposit it in an opening and down a chute into his possession. "

It's like Randy trying to get the rat out of the game, only in this case it's a lobster. And the lobster isn't humping a Grover doll.

Insert Penis Joke Here:

Rep. Boehner Elected House Majority Leader

I'll start you off...

The new house Majority Leader is a hard act to follow!

We've really got our hands full with Rep. Boehner...

Now that he's been elected Majority Leader Rep. Boehner has been acting like a total dick!

Mid-life crisis strikes.

Well, that's my excuse anyway.

So this coming December I turn 40. And that's one of those milestone years where people can buy you cookies that say you're older than dirt. (They work quite nicely if you turn 50 too, as my sister found out a few weeks ago).

Not usually being one to ponder my own mortality, something about this milestone got me started. That or the fact that my friend John has been talking about aging and the fact that we're now almost old. One of those. Anyhow, I decided it was time to do something I'd never done before. Something I'd always said I wouldn't do because it was crazy...I'm going to run a marathon.

And I'm outing myself here on the interweb thingy so that the three and a half people who read this blog will keep me honest.

I'm aiming for the Portland Marathon on October 1st. This race has several advantages over the Seattle Marathon: first, it's not three days after Thanksgiving, so the chance of a huge turkey-induced mid-race nap are lessened. Second, it's in Portland, so the chance that anyone I know will be running along laughing at how much I suck will be lessened. Third, it's relatively flat.

OK, that last one is actually the number one reason. When I looked at the Seattle marathon map and talked to a friend who has run it I realized that this city has a bunch of hills, and the course is apparently designed to climb all of them. Most importantly, it climbs up Madison from Lake Washington, an altitude gain of somewhere around 5,000 feet. The Portland marathon, on the other hand, appears to be run on a 26-mile-long mattress made of marshmallows and gatorade. Or maybe that's just wishfull thinking...in any case, it's relatively flat, as you can see from the graphs below (the Seattle marathon people don't chart the elevation gain because, well, that would scare everyone away).

Portland Marathon Elevation Chart



I haven't started "training" per se, since I don't think you can call wheezing on a tread mill for a half hour "training", but I am starting to run a bit. And I have a plan, thanks to a guy named Hal Higdon who apparently knows something about running.

My intermediate goal is the 8k (5 mile) "Beat the Bridge" race in May, so if you're in Seattle and would like to join me, let me know. And if you're a runner and have any tips (other than "you old fart, just give it up") send me those too!

Happy New Year!

So according to this site, the year of the Dog will be "...a year for reflection and to assess ones values. There will be disturbances, revolts, but as the Dog is always on the lookout, honesty will always rule the day. This year will see great benevolent and idealistic deeds and various unusual changes; a time when broadmindedness and fairness will be supported. Although this year is one of great cynicism a sense of balance and tranquility will be upheld."

Well, with a name like Chicken I had to like last year (year of the Rooster). Then again, I'm a Horse by birth, and am therefore very compatible with Dogs (although I find they make me sneeze...). Unfortunately, at least according to the site linked above, "The Horse has a difficult relationship with Snake". And, naturally, Mrs. Chicken is a Snake.

It was 20 years ago today...

Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play. And what they played was Taps for the crew of the Space Shuttle Challenger.

This was my "JFK" moment. I vaguely remember where I was when Regan was shot (Jr. High...I think I watched some of it on a portable black and white TV in the gym teacher's office), but I have crystal clear memories of Challenger:

I was a freshman in college and was foolishly taking Calc 3 (without the help of software or web sites like this). The class, as all math classes were for Freshmen, met at 8 in the morning. 4 days a week. Cruel and unusual punnishment.

As I recall (and this part isn't as crystal clear) it was a clear, crisp winter day in Walla Walla. I got up, probably ate some Froot Loops for breakfast, and went off to class. I was way behind, struggling in the class and pondering dropping it. The prof was late. I secretly hoped he wouldn't show so I could go back to sleep.

He showed up about 5 minutes late and asked the class "have any of you seen the news?"

"Uh...no..." we answered (he apparently had forgotten that we were college freshmen and therefore didn't care about the news. And we were all still asleep anyway.)

"Well, something big has happened. As soon as class is over, go find a TV and watch the news. Now, we were talking about how to integrate the fifth quadratic of the fiftieth multi-variable" (ok, this part is garbled...as I said, I was about to drop the class).

Class ends, I head back to the dorm to find the one guy who has a TV in his room (a tv with a nicely jury-rigged UHF aentenna so he can pick up the local TV station out of the Tri-Cities. And that's when I see this (only in motion...):

I'm pretty certain that most of the guys in my section blew off our classes that morning just watching that sucker blow up again...and again...and again...it was like the video of Joe Theisman's leg breaking: you just couldn't look away (if you've never seen that and you're a glutton for punnishment, thanks to the wonder of the internets it's here. But don't say I didn't warn you).

Well, there go my summer plans...

And just when I'd saved up the money for the ticket!

Washington lawmakers seek ban on sale of overseas sex tours

Note to self...

Do not try to cure the hiccups with a hand gun.

A sure sign of the appocolypse:

The Seahawks are Super Bowl bound.

But the impending rapture (and my remaining behind to writhe in a pit of lava or whatever) is in no way making me less giddy about the fact that the Seahawks are Super Bowl bound.

Yeah, it's the marketing...

It's not that they make a crappy beer. No...must be the
marketing campaign.

My fish is on the short bus

Well, according to this I need to get my fish some help. But fortunately, "There are hundreds of wonderful Owners of Mentally Challenged Pets support groups, where you can network and learn many helpful hints for dealing with your damaged darlings," says Wachtel. "Life's hard enough without a mentally challenged pet making you mentally unstable!"

Things I don't want to go swimming with

This:

OK, where can you get these?

My sisters had these back in the '70s and they were the coolest umbrellas in town. So...anyone know where to get them? 'cause I think my kids would flip. The daughter would, anyway, especially since it's bigger than the Hamtoro umbrella she got for Christmas...

I do not like them, Sam I Am!

I do not like green eggs and ham!

OK, so there aren't any eggs in the picture. But it is a green ham. A fluorescent green ham. And it's brought to you by your friends in Taiwan. Thanks, stem cell researchers! I've been looking for some bacon to match my highlighters for years!

Five weeks to go...

Saw this picture and thought "man, if I was the photographer I'd seriously be hoping we didn't have one of those "agony of defeat" moments...

Opening ceremonies are on Feb. 10th. Mark your calendar.

Wow...

Back in the day I drove a 1988 Mercury Tracer, nicknamed "Mexi Car." Mexi had some leaks. Those leaks led to both interesting plant life in the carpets and lots and lots of water on the windows. I complained about it constantly and kept a squeegee in the front to wipe off the windshield so I could see to drive.

Well, after reading this I'll never complain about that again.

Holy crap! Take 32:

Boy, 11, OK After Truck Runs Over His Head

"All I remember about it was that when the truck ran over my head, I could hear my bones crack," he said.

Grandpa (who was driving the truck when it ran over him) had this to say: "Maybe he has an exceptionally hard head."

Maybe, Grandpa. Maybe. But whatever the reason the kid survived I'm nominating you for "luckiest sumbitch of the week."

Things I don't want in my ear, number 72

A black Spider the size of a thumbnail. Or, really, any spider of any size or color.

Weather update

For those of you who wonder "doesn't it rain all the time in Seattle?" I'd like to say "technically no, but it definitely feels like that during the winter."

We're in the middle of a big ol' rainy streak right now, so it certainly feels like it's been raining for ever. But it's actually only since December 19th...the info below is from KOMO's weather page:

Rain Streak Watch

Monday was the 22nd consecutive day with measurable rain in Seattle.

This ties it for fourth-longest all-time rainy streak in Seattle. Here's the Top 5 rainiest streaks:

• #1 - 33 days from Jan. 6 - Feb. 7, 1953
• #2 - 25 days from Jan. 28 - Feb. 21, 1961
• #3 - 24 days from Nov. 10 - Dec. 3, 1953
• #4 - 22 days from Dec. 18, 1964 - Jan. 8, 1965
• Tie - 22 days from Dec. 19, 2005 - Jan. 9, 2006 (current)
• #5 - 19 days set three times.

(Yes, the record is 33 days. There is some rumor going around about streak of rain of 80, 90, or even 100 days in the winter of 1998-99. While that was a rainy winter, the longest streak during that time frame was 18 days. It did rain on 94 of the 120 days between Nov. 1 and Feb. 28, but there were enough dry days in there to stop any streaks.

In fact, it was a full day of sunshine on Nov. 7, 1998 as well as Jan. 2 and Mar. 6 in 1999, so no 90-day rain streaks there :) )

Man, some sysads have NO sense of humor...

Student accused of trying to crash school's computer system

Oh, sure, arrest the guy who comes up with the idea but not the other kids who logged in and hit "F5"...

Insert "moon" pun here...

Judge Clears Md. Man Accused of Mooning

"...attorney James Maxwell said the Debelius ruling should "bring comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers" in the state." "

Show footage...

OK, so we played a show on New Year's Eve at a little place called the Blue Moon Tavern. The Blue Moon is, not to mince words, a dive. A historic dive, but a dive nonetheless. And many of the regular clientelle resemble no one so much as ol' Blue a couple posts down.

The thing with people who regularly frequent dive bars is that, by and large, they are drunks. And I'm not talking your standard frat boy recreational drinker, these guys are professionals. With many, many years in the bottle. And perhaps a few hits of meth (if meth comes in hits...I'm not really up on my meth-speak) to keep them awake.

So, you combine New Year's Eve revelry with a band wearing chicken suits and a group of professional drinkers, then throw in a cover of a heavy metal song and you get something like this. (Link requires Quicktime...)

Happy New Year!

Hope you rang in 2006 in high style, especially if you were able to join us at the Blue Moon last night. The show rocked, and since JJ (the Blue Moon's booking guy and the keeper of the Blue Moon blogspot page) wasn't there I'm not sure there will be a write-up on that site, so here goes...

The Scott Chicken posse (consisting of Mrs. Chicken, Steve and Kay Chicken, and our friends Chico and The Pam) rolled in at around 9:45 and caught the last 20 minutes of Hart and the Hurricane, who did what they do well (not my style of music, but those that liked their stuff liked it a lot). Next up was Sweatband who were best summed up by my friend Eric who said "they kind of sound like Dead Kennedys.

Sweatband's set lasted until about 11:15, and we hit the stage. We ended up playing for about an hour and fifteen minutes, probably highlighted by the surprise guest vocals from "Toothless Hobo" on our cover of AC/DC's "Back In Black". If anyone got a picutre of this guy by all means send him my way, 'cause we need to add him to the web site!

Next up, a gig at The Fabulous Rainbow (right next door to the Blue Moon, on 45th in the U-District) on February 12th. Show starts at 8, there's a $5 cover, and we're playing with the wonderfully crazed Sacred Truths. Hope you can make it!

Two band-related things

So the most important rock band in the world has two pieces of news for you.

1. Show tonight!
We're playing the Blue Moon tavern tonight with Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband. Hart starts at 9:30, Sweatband at around 10:30, and we hit the stage at 11:45.

2. We've got a MySpace site
We've joined the whatever age it is now where you judge your popularity by how many "friends" you have. So come be our friend so we don't feel so alone in the virtual world. Oh, and you can listen to some really old, really poor recordings of some of our songs there, too, so that's worth something!

And number three is...

'Patrick' Cranshaw. The guy who played "Blue" in "Old School." Not sure he's on a par with Mike Vale or Vince Schiavelli, but what the heck.

Real men of genius

Stole this from John over at Monkey Disaster. Takes a while to load, but it's a thing of beauty.

Flickr movie (video/quicktime)

Just to clarify...

Knitting is a hobby. Collecting stamps is a hobby. Lobbing bottles of your whizz into people's back yards is not a hobby.

"Tobler told police that it was a longtime hobby of his to deliver the bottles. Police searched his vehicle and found several other urine-filled bottles ready for delivery."

Two now...

Who will be the third to fill the required "three celebrity deaths"? This time it's veteran commercial character actor Michael "It's time to make the donuts" Vale.

Another one bites the dust...

All lightness aside, it's always sad when a "veteran character actor" dies, and I did love Vincent Schiavelli's work, even if I never knew his name. And while he was overshadowed by John Bigboote in "Buckaroo Banzai" his rendition of John O'Conner should have won him an Oscar.

RIP, Vincent!

Moron of the day

The last line says it all: “I don't know what (the amount of copper the man had) is worth,” Anderson said. “I know it's not worth his life.”

Man electrocuted while trying to steal copper wire from electrical station

Holy crap!

Uh, that's just wrong...Boy Scout Gets Knife Lodged In Brain

Happy Festivus!

In the spirit of Festivus I thought I’d take a moment to air a few of my grievances from 2005. And since the full list would take far too much space I thought I’d limit it to

First up, I am highly disappointed with the Seattle Monorail Board, who took a huge voter mandate last year – you remember 2004, when the Monorail Recall ballot measure was shot down by over 60% of the voters? – and turned it into a complete debacle. Thanks to your incompetence, Monorail Board, the dream of an elevated transit service for the citizens of Seattle will not be realized.

Next, continuing on the theme of the Monorail, I am deeply grieved by the Seattle City Council. While I expected Mayor Gridlock to pull his support of the Monorail – he’s been in bed with Light Rail since the beginning and clearly viewed the Monorail idea as a threat – I had hoped that the Council would show some cojones. But then, I forgot that this was an election year for several of our Council members, and standing up to the mayor in support of an idea that is unpopular yet clearly needed is not the political way. You are all weenies and should be voted out of office.

Next up are the Seattle Voters, for voting down the Monorail. Yes, the board screwed up. Yes, they were secretive and defensive. Yes, the mayor is a putz and pulled his support. Yes, the City Council are a bunch of weasels who caved to pressure from City Hall. But you, you are really to blame for the demise of the Monorail. You could have voted to save it, but you didn’t. Maybe you thought that by voting it down you’d get your car tab money back, but I’m sorry to say that’s not going to happen. Gridlock Greg will find a way to get his grubby hands on that tab money, probably to fund a replacement for the Viaduct or to give more money to the Sonics to rehab Key Arena 10 years after the last time we gave them money to rehab Key Arena, or possibly just to buy more donuts. In any case, don’t expect to see your license tabs drop any time soon.

And finally, turning to the national political situation, I’d like to slap the ultra-liberal left for ruining what was once a great political party. There was a time when the Democratic Party stood for something. Or rather, stood for something other than “Republicans Are Bad”. The Democratic Party is the party of Roosevelt and the New Deal. It’s the party of Kennedy and the idealism behind “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” But those days are far, far behind us and now the Democratic Party is the party of defeat. Howard Dean, party chairman, is on the news saying that it’s impossible to win in Iraq. John Kerry is on the news saying that Bush’s “stay the course” policy is the wrong one. My question to these gentlemen, and anyone else in the Democratic Party, is this: what’s your answer? I hear you complaining about the current situation, but I don’t hear anyone suggesting anything new. Pull out everyone now? Do you REALLY think that’s the best move, leaving Iraq in a complete power vacuum? Withdraw half the troops? What happened to the “Bush and Rumsfeld didn’t send enough troops to do the job” claims from last year and the year before?

I suppose the crux of my grievance against the Democratic Party is that it no longer stands for anything positive, just a huge vat of negatives. And negatives don’t inspire people to work to achieve something good, they don’t inspire people to solve problems, and the most certainly don’t win elections.

With that, I wish you a happy Festivus. I’m off to challenge the wife in the Feats of Strength. Please entertain yourselves by reading these other Festivus-related sites:

• http://festivusbook.com/ the website for the rest of us
• http://www.festivuspoles.com/pages/Festivuspoles.htm your source for Festivus poles
• http://www.vidlit.com/festivus/ the top 5 things you need to know about Festivus

Letterman Lawyers Fight Restraining Order

"Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' since May 1994."

Man, Letterman STILL causes me sleep deprivation, but that doesn't mean I'm taking out a restraining order against the guy! But then, I'm not crazy...

Judge Rules Against 'Intelligent Design'

Glad to see there are still judges out there who understand the difference between faith and science.

True war crimes

If there was any justice in the world the management at KOMO AM 1000 would be in the Hague facing a tribunal for crimes against humanity.

Things that would suck, #379

Being squished by a tree while kickin' it in your living room. Thanks a lot, ice storm!

"In Kannapolis, North Carolina, just north of Charlotte, authorities say the weight of that ice buckled a 100-foot-tall tree that crushed 58-year-old David Ralph Jones while he reclined on a couch in his living room."

Clearly I'm parking in the wrong lots...

- Heart-broken stranger gives away $15,000 ring

Sad...

I know, I know, if I was a professional blogger this would have been posted yesterday at 8:03, but I'm a hack. Pathbreaking Comedian Richard Pryor Dies

As you probably know, Richard fought MS for about 20 years, continuing to perform (doing "sit down" comedy once he could no longer stand up) and inspiring others to fight this nasty, nasty disease. So, in honor of his passing and my sister's battle with MS I'd like all y'all to take a nice year-end tax break and donate to the MS Society.

My new favorite super hero:

Banana Boy

It's too bad the local PD hasn't acknowledged Banana Boy's status as a local crime fighter. Few things are sadder than a locked up super hero!

You can find pictures of the caped crusader here.

It's like "My Name is Earl"!

Only with God and Jesus instead of Carson Daly and Karma. Oh, and none of the people involved are criminals. And it's not as funny. Other than that it's just the same.

Man searches fields, trash bins for lottery ticket

Ah, tolerance...

Now, I'm no Ann Coulter fan or anything, but I had to laugh at this quote:

"We encourage diverse opinion at UConn, but this is blatant hate speech," said Eric Knudsen, a 19-year-old sophomore journalism and social welfare major who heads campus group Students Against Hate.

Uh, yeah...that's right up there with "the only thing I can't tolerate is intollerance." Granted, Coulter is a hater not a lover, but really...if it had been Michael Moore on the stage calling George Bush a moronic monkey who only won in 2000 because his daddy packed the Supreme Court with people who would some day invalidate the votes of Florida's blacks do you think this guy would be saying "this is blatant hate speech"? Or is it defined as hate speech because what she hates is what he believes in?

Ann Coulter to audience: You're stupider than I am

Didn't this already happen?

Or was it all just part of my fantasy life?

Bertinelli, Van Halen divorcing

Nothing says "Merry Christmas"...

...like an Amtrak Hoodie.


-----Forwarded Message-----
From: Amtrak
Sent: Dec 6, 2005 10:52 AM
To: Scott Chicken
Subject: Scott, Shop at the Amtrak Store and Receive a Free Reward

Amtrak Store Gift Certificates Send an E-Card

Dear Scott, Happy Holidays from the Amtrak Store! We would like to show you our appreciation for your patronage and support throughout the year and especially during this holiday season. When you purchase $100 or more of merchandise in one order you will receive a FREE 1/110 scale Ertl Porcelain Genesis Engine* (retail value $31.99). When you purchase $50 - $99 worth of merchandise in one order you will receive a surprise Special Gift* (retail value $5 to $10). This holiday season, give your family and friends the gift of travel on Amtrak! Get your Amtrak gift certificates now at the Amtrak online store. Or choose from a wide variety of high-quality Amtrak merchandise — perfect for the train enthusiast on your list. Shop now for the best selection! Youth Hooded Sweatshirt Made for youth with ribbed cuffs and waist. Features double-lined drawstring hood with metal grommets and front muff pocket. Machine wash. USA. In ash with embroidery. $18.00 Jackets, Shirts and Clothing Wrist, Pocket and Youth Watches Toys, Gifts and Fun Travel Bags and Totes * Gifts available while supplies last. One gift per order. The Free Gift Offer is not valid with Gift Certificate Purchases. Order merchandise by December 16, 2005 to receive by Christmas without rush charges. Order Gift Certificates by December 19, 2005 to receive by Christmas without rush charges. Back-ordered merchandise will not be available by Christmas. Thank you and we wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday season.

Headline of the day

Lawsuit over ape's 'nipple fetish' settled

OK, this is kind of cool...

I especially like hitting "all random" and seeing what comes up. But then I'm geeky like that...

Heromachine