After a several month hiatus, it's the return of the Scott Chicken Radio Programme!

Friday on the Scott Chicken radio programme (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we will hear about these gems:

Take your daughter to work day indeed! Police say burglar brought her daughter, 2, on job. Well, foster care is cheaper than daycare, anyway...

The honorary genius of the day award goes to the guy who asked the cops for a ride while holding cocaine in his pocket. Then again, maybe he is a genius...the article doesn't say where he wanted to go. Maybe jail was his intended destination!

It's always good to have friends. Especially when you're a teen-age boy prone to doing stupid hormone-fueled things like, oh, jumping on the hood of a moving car. In that case it helps that the friends are your football team mates and have no problem lifting the car off your spine and holding it up for 20 minutes while waiting for the ambulance...Oh, and to his credit, the kid "admits jumping on the hood of his friend's car was a bad idea".

So, on a day with dumb criminals and potentially drug-addled criminals you'd think a possibly crazy criminal might slip through the cracks. But you'd be wrong, because at the Scott Chicken radio programme we pride ourselves in being both dumb, drug-addled and crazy! Just not as crazy as this lady, who thought it was a good idea to try to trade in a fake $10,000 bill. Not that crazy yet, anyway...

From the "what are the odds" section of the "why didn't that come out in voir dir" file we pull this little piece of courtroom drama: A woman, sworn in as a juror in a domestic violence case, suddenly announced that she was the anonymous 911 caller who reported the crime! Not surprisingly, both hilarity and a mistrial ensued.

There may be no honor among thieves, but apparently there is occasionally some pity, as shown by the story of an armed robber returning everything he stole from a homeless man after learning that said homeless man lives at a shelter. "I can respect that," said our modern-day Robin Hood, who then returned the man's property and walked away.

WTF???

OK, Amazon, I understand that you like to recommend books and whatnot, but I'm damned if I can find the connection between an Tintin book and this thing about nanotribiology. Is it that budding nanotribiologists like to smoke a nice fat cigar laced with opium? Because while that sounds like a good way to waste a weekend I probably don't have the science background to make it in to the school...

Dear Amazon.com Customer, As someone who has purchased or rated Cigars of the Pharoah (The Adventures of Tintin) by Herge or other books in the Authors 6 > Herge category, you might like to know that Biological Micro- and Nanotribology: Nature's Solutions (NanoScience and Technology) will be released on November 2, 2010.  You can pre-order yours by following the link below. Biological Micro- and Nanotribology: Nature's Solutions (NanoScience and Technology) Matthias Scherge Price: $209.00 Release Date: November 2, 2010 Other Versions and Languages Hardcover Product Description By employing a combination of approaches from several disciplines the authors elucidate the principles of a variety of biomechanical systems that rely on frictional surfaces or adhesive secretions to attach parts of the body to one another or to attach organisms to a substrate. This account provides an excellent starting point for engineers and physicists working with biological systems and for biologists studying friction and adhesion. It will also serve as a valuable introduction for graduate students entering this interdisciplinary field of research. More to Explore See more in Professional & Technical > Medical > Research See more in Science > Biological Sciences > Biology > General See more in Science > Biological Sciences > Biology > Molecular Biology See more in Science > Biological Sciences > Biophysics See more in Science > Biological Sciences > General See more in Science > Technology > Nanotechnology More New Releases Top Sellers Recommended for You Sincerely, Amazon.com http://amazon.com

2010 First Day of School

Only a few days late...maybe one of these days I'll actually blog about something of substance here. Then again, why change now?

OK, back to the reason for this: Wednesday was the first day of school in Seattle, and for the first time in the nine years we've been in "real" school it rained. Amazing, I know, but true. When you get to the last photo you'll see the streaks of rain that are absent in the others. Oh, and the steps are wet. What more proof do you need?

And with that, on with the show!

The end is near!

Why else would Germany be being rampaged by radioactive boars? And since they're all hot and whatnot even Obelix can't help out. Or maybe he can...does that invulnerability potion cover radiation sickness?

Another reason I'm glad not to live in the Midwest

Baseball-size hail. Just one more entry in the long, long list of weather I'm glad I don't have to deal with.

Ah, Paul Rudd...

Love him or hate him, you can't argue with the fact that the man can Dance like a freak.

Tuesday's news: Bond 23 in money trouble?

Maybe "Q" has a mint hidden somewhere in his gadget bunker...hope so, 'cause the latest Bond film is on hold waiting for financing!

There's nothing funny about being short of money. There's also nothing inherently funny about crocodiles. But a headline like "Crocodile forces Australian aerobics class to wait" just makes me chuckle. Mainly because of the image of a crocodile in spandex, leg warmers, and a head band.

Here's something that freaks me out: Foreign Accent Syndrome. That's where something goes haywire in your brain and you suddenly start talking like you're from a different country. Case in point this woman from Devon, England, who had severe migraines and now speaks with a Chinese accent. Freaky, I tell you!

And speaking of inconvenient, that whole Icelandic volcano thing is messing with people's days in a big way. John Clese ended up taking a taxi home from Norway because the planes were all grounded. He should have called this guy and asked for a ride in the car he bought in Sweden to get home!

And finally, here's another example of how smoking is harmful to your health: A woman in Australia, who had been in a fight with her boyfriend in which said boyfriend doused her with gasoline, decided to celebrate the end of the fight by lighting up a smoke. Fireball ensued.

Monday Monday...

A little late posting, but what the heck...

Well, we're back on the radio this fine Monday afternoon, fresh off a weekend of camping with the Boy Scouts, and ready to talk about crap like unmanned, runaway excavators trashing someone's house. Fortunately no one was injured...

And speaking of uninjured, remember the Topless Gardener out in Boulder, Colorado? Well, she won her battle with her landlord the Boulder Housing Partners and she and her husband won't be evicted.

In travel news, you'll be happy to hear that the python found in a toilet of a Nebraska hotel room was a lost pet, not some snake that crawled up the sewer from Bolivia or wherever.

Question for you: Have you ever gotten lost in your car, then pulled over to ask for directions from a guy driving a tractor? Yeah, me neither. But this guy in Russia did. Unfortunately for him he was in a plane at the time, and didn't pick the best place to land...

Next up we head back to school. Remember the classic food fight? And how you ended up in detention if you participated? Well, out in New Jersey they don't take too kindly to the throwing of food, so when a food fight breaks out they serve food that "supplies only the basic food requirement". And surprise surprise, a parent is upset about it.

And finally, big war at the box office this weekend! Well, not big big, but still...according to the AP it's too soon to call who won the weekend box office, with How to Train Your Dragon and Kick-Ass duking it out with around $30 million each. Haven't seen the Dragon movie, but Kick-Ass totally does.

What a difference 14 hours makes!

So I took the Troop camping this weekend in my old stomping grounds of Tolt-MacDonald Park out in Carnation. Back in the day (the day being 1978 to 1985 or so) I went to Tolt-MacDonald roughly every year with my Troop to do our "pre-Camporee" tune-up. My main memories from those trips were the suspension bridge, playing Squad Leader with my friends in the tent late at night (and losing horribly, no doubt), and playing a game affectionately called "Fris-Brawl" that was a mix of Ultimate Frisbee, keep-away, and rugby. No points scored, just attempting to keep the Frisbee away from the other team while they attempted to knock the stuffing out of whoever had it.

Well, this year we were supposed to do a hike to Lizard and Lily Lakes up near Bellingham, but after scouting out the trail (from the west side, anyway) I decided it was definitely too hard to take a bunch of new Scouts on for their first hike. So I reverted to my youth and we went to Tolt-MacDonald. And surprise surprise, things have changed!

For one thing, they've got Yurts on the hillside where we used to camp. There are a couple tent spots there, but I didn't want my 15 Boy Scouts keeping the Yurt people awake (not that it would have been an issue, since we were one of 4 Troops in the Park this weekend). So we instead headed down-river to some isolated spots. This had two advantages: First, we were well away from other campers, so no need to strictly enforce quiet time (or, as the park sign read, "Quite Time"). And second, it required them to carry their crap for a half mile or so. Just long enough to get them complaining, not so far that they rebelled.

The plan (and I use the term loosely) was to practice some skills they'd need for Camporee: knots and lashings, maybe some first aid, some signalling / Morse code, etc. The last one was suggested by our SPL Danny since he'd heard there was going to be a semaphore / Morse Code event at this year's Camporee. I was all for it, and told him to run with the idea. Which was all well and good until yesterday afternoon when he said, and I quote, "Scott, I found a problem with the signalling thing: I don't know Morse Code." D'oh!

Well, they recovered and found some other skills to teach and games to play, and there was always a river to fall in and shoreline to erode, so no one complained too much.

But the fun really began at dinner. And as the afternoon went on and the showers grew more frequent I began to hear some distant rumblings. At first I put them off to jet noise, since they were lasting a long, long time. But as they got closer there was no question it was thunder. Lucky for us, the Troop that had occupied the "group camping" site and it's attendant picnic shelter had left a few hours earlier. And conveniently it was approaching time to cook dinner. So I had the guys move their dinner prep to the shelter.

About 5 minutes after we were settled and cooking the rain began: gently at first, then heavier, then true torrential downpour. And with it came wind - occasionally pretty strong - and some wicked close lightning strikes. I think the closest was within a mile, using the old "one second per mile" rule of thumb. Unfortunately I didn't catch any of the flash-banging on the phone, but I did manage to get Logan and his friends doing the "Rain Go Away" dance (which had no effect on the rain and just made them wetter)...

Eventually the rain stopped, the food was eaten, we made a fire, and the kids had a rousing game of "German Spotlight" (a version of tag played in the dark with flashlights) before collapsing in their tents and (hopefully) changing in to dry clothes and getting some sleep.

So what's this about 14 hours and a difference? Well, when I got up around 7, roughly 14 hours after the thunderstorm, the sun was burning through a thin layer of fog. What had sounded like rain overnight was clearly just the moss on the trees dripping, and it was shaping up to be a gorgeous day. And since the phone battery was pretty much dead and I hadn't packed a real camera, I didn't bother with a picture. But the improved weather did make the packing up and picking up litter portions of the morning that much better!

Hey, what about Friday?

I'll tell you what about Friday...I totally forgot to post the day's radio fun! Why, you ask? Because I was all hopped up to see Kick Ass! And kick ass it did. The only drawback, as I tweeted this afternoon, was that the pizza we'd ordered for lunch (at the wonderful Cinebarre movie theater / restaurant) showed up just as the bad guys were putting another bad guy in an industrial wood-drying microwave. Ewww. Anyhow, good violent fun, and few things are funnier than an 11-year-old girl who swears like a drunken sailor.

So here, better late than never, is the crap I talked about on the radio today:

Dude, here's something that will harsh your buzz as we approach 4/20: a guy burned down his house by sparking up his bong. In his defense, he was cleaning said bong with alcohol when he lit it on fire...ok, that's not really a defense, now, is it?

And speaking of screwing stuff up, here's a tale of an osprey who knocked out power to 6,000 people in Maine by dropping a branch on a power line. Sure, the story says the branch was meant for the osprey's nest, but I'm pretty sure it was just messing with the humans.

Next up is a question for you: is it illegal to take expired beer home from the dump, or is it just a policy violation? Or just in bad taste?

What IS in bad taste, and is also illegal, is filling a bass with lead weights and then submitting it for judging in a tournament. It's also not very nice to the poor bass.

And speaking of things to do with the court, if you were thinking you might file a lawsuit claiming that you were burned by a price scanner gun the State of Pennsylvania would like you to save both their and your time and just skip it.

And finally, from the "WTF" files, I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that there's something called the "American Mustache Institute", or that they're pushing for a tax break for people with mustaches.

Thursday's a good day to get hit upside the head with a snake.

That's right, I said hit upside the head with a snake. But first, this stuff:

It's the second story in two days from the fine town of Athens, Tennessee! Yesterday we had the guy selling meat door-to-door, and today we've got a DUI on a riding lawn mower. Oh, sorry, not just a DUI, but stolen fishing poles as well.

Elsewhere in Tennessee, some dude got drunk, got on his horse, and rode through the Mule Day crowds and caused quite a ruckus. And the po-lice don't like them no ruckus down 'round there.

From Tennessee we travel farther south to Albany Georgia where we find a guy being arrested twice in one day on the same charge. That's some persistence, that is.

Oh, and speaking of horses (as I was a couple entries ago), this one's really tall. Like world-record tall. NBA star tall. 6' 10 3/4" tall, to be exact (or 20 hands, 2.75 inches in horse terms).

And finally, as promised, here's something new to add to the Scott Chicken "Smacked in the head with something weird" list: a four-foot python.

Hump day hi-jinx

When you see a headline that reads "Police say meat salesman swallowed marijuana joint" you're intrigued. When you read the story and see that he's a door-to-door meat salesman you're both intrigued and kind of nauseated. Well, I am anyway...

This story has nothing to do with meat, but it does provide a good object lesson on the consequences of speeding, at least for the three students in the car at the time.

Speaking of meat, that's a horrible segue into a story about the whole Catholic Church pedophile-shuffle, but I'm going to use it anyway. The story is about a priest in Massachusetts who is calling for the Pope to resign. Which is pretty mild compared to what some people would like to do with him...

Now, if you think they're throwing mud at the Catholic Church, at least it's figurative mud. Not like the literal mud these people were buried in.

Leaving Catholics alone we turn to the Baptists, who have had all their pipes stolen. And I'm not talking pot pipes, crack pipes, or organ pipes: the copper pipes that carry water. Stolen from under the Church. Which will make it harder for them to baptise people, I'm thinking.

And finally we head instead to Salem, Oregon, home of my in-laws, where teens are now stealing squad cars and passing out in them. Nice work, son!

Today I bring you snakes, knives, and flammable hair!

Well, now that the Team CoCo (or is that Team Lo-Co now?) news is a day old we can turn our eyes back to the usual freak show that is the Scott Chicken Radio Fun House! For instance, how's this for getting a snakeskin belt the hard way? Although at 6 feet long I'm thinking maybe he can get a pair of boots out of the deal...

And speaking of efficiency (OK, I wasn't, but I was at a loss for a segue), did you hear about the Reno police officer who nabbed two DUI perps in one vehicle? Seems the old "pull your buddy out of the driver's seat and get behind the wheel" trick only works if no one sees you. And you're not drunk too.

Ever wonder how flamable hair spray is? Not right out of the can, mind you, but on your hair? This chick found out the hard way.

You know, some times couples who hit a rough patch can work things out by talking about their problems. And other times things get ugly and the knives come out. Literally, in this case.

Things rarely get to that point with pets, though, which is good. Otherwise they might not warn us we're going to die in a firey explosion if we don't get up and shut off the gas. Way to go, Schnautzie the kitten!

And finally, I understand that prom dresses and tuxedoes can be expensive, but how much did this couple spend on Wrigley's "5 gum" to make her dress and his vest? OK, probably less than the dress would cost. And it's a pretty cool idea. although that vinyl top coat on the dress is going to be pretty crunchy during the slow dances...

Pole dance classes, trunk-riding kids, and Team CoCo on TBS!

Yes, it's a fun-filled Scott Chicken show today, I must say! Here's what's on the air this afternoon (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200):

Remember back in the day when no one cared about vehicle safety? Back then my parents had an old VW bug, the kind with the little storage space between the back seat and the firewall to the engine compartment. And I'm pretty sure that they stuck me back there, carefully padded by blankets and whatnot, 'cause I was too little to sit up in the seat and there wasn't room in the back with my sisters. I also remember riding in the "way back" of our Squareback and in several of my friends' station wagons. Well, that stuff don't fly no more. Nor does sticking your kid in the trunk 'cause you've got too many people in the car. And it just leads to trauma when the (alleged) drunk at the wheel runs off the road and crashes. So please, buckle up!

But way more important than kids riding in trunks is the news that Team CoCo is heading to TBS this fall! Conan O'Brien has thumbed his nose at Fox and will now be the lead-in to the George Lopez Show, with Conan running at 11 and Lopez at midnight Monday through Thursday nights.

In other news, if you're a pastor working a late-night shift at the suicide help line, be sure to load up on the coffee, the cola, the RockStar Energy Drink(tm), whatever the hell it is that keeps you from falling asleep when some guy calls in to be talked off the ledge. On the other hand, the guy was so pissed off about the pastor falling asleep on him that he didn't kill himself, so I guess it all worked out in the end...

Turning our attention to college students, while Cambridge University in England may claim the pole-dancing classes they're offering are only there to help relieve stress, I think it's safe to say they're merely offering their students a back-up plan for when they finally graduate and enter the real world.

And we end our day's survey of the news with a guy in Poland who came up with a great scheme to rob businesses: he mailed himself to them. And it all would have worked out great if it hadn't been for those meddling kids! Or for the fight he had with his accomplice, the guy who took him to the courier firms, who tipped off the cops to the scheme.

Sunday morning is full of high-school shenanigans

A few, anyway...but first on this fine Sunday (which, by the way, is Louie Louie Day), we find ourselves with a headline about the "wrong kind of grass in a mower". By which they mean pot, which is only the wrong kind of grass if you're looking to stay out of prison. At least until it's legalized...

From pot in mowers we head to, where else, Wal*Mart where some nucklehead let his gun go off. Dork.

Speaking of Wal*Mart, I don't believe they sell urine-tainted sodas there, so you'll have to make your own like these cheerleaders in Fort Worth, Texas, did.

And speaking of highschool sports, this story has nothing to do with cheerleaders or pee, but it does have to do with a mid-game marriage proposal between opposing coaches!

Update! Update! Remember the other day when those two women tried to smuggle a dead guy on to a plane? Well, one of them claims the guy was alive when they got to the airport. Which I don't believe was in Weekend at Bernie's, so maybe she's telling the truth.

Saturday Morning Chicken Clucking

Happy Saturday morning! It's my weekend on, and here's the crap I'll be covering:

Here's a tip for you stoners out there: if you're looking for a good place to stash your weed, don't try your kid's Elmo backpack. Oh, and if you're broke and figure you won't get in trouble for eating your gas station burrito in the store, you're wrong. You will.

You may be wondering why you should read your court documents. Here's a reason: you might avoid spending three extra years in an Indonesian prison! And speaking of prison, if you're going there to serve time for a DUI, try not to drive drunk when you go to check in.

I've heard of dogs chasing the mailman, but this is the first time I've heard of a postal carrier refusing to go to a person's house because of their dangerous cat.

And to end the morning on an animal note, another word of advice: if you're collecting worker's comp from the state, don't start a business selling goats. 'cause the state don't like that and will want their money back.

Friday? Friday!

Don't worry, no tales of canibalism on today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). Just this crap:

You know that movie 21 about the kids from MIT or Harvard or wherever who head to Vegas to win a mint counting cards? Or that scene in Rain Man where Raymond wins a mint counting cards? Yeah, the casinos don't like it when you do that. But maybe the courts will weigh in and allow it. Doubtful, but maybe...

Whatever you may think about England's Sun newspaper, at least they're smart enough not to publish the script for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that someone left behind in a bar!

I've heard of cats having nine lives, but never a dog. This one, however, has at least three.

No one should be surprised that the guy who just set the world record for playing Asteroids is 41. What is surprising is that the old record stood for 28 years! Now...what's the world record score for Galaga? And where can I find a machine on which to get my fire-button finger back in shape? (If you want to play Asteroids on the web, just head here!

Clearly I need to move to Sweden. Here in the States I'd probably be fired the first time I caused train delays because I was viewing porn sites on the Web.

And finally, just in time for the sun to start shining, your sunscreen will kill you. And it must be true, 'cause it's on the Fox News web site.

Sad news...

Please head to your medicine cabinet, get some rubbing alcohol, prep your cheek, then jam a safety pin through it in mourning. The great Malcolm McLaren has died.

A disturbingly meat-filled Thursday

You know, when I found the first story of the day, about the supervisors of San Francisco declaring "Meatless Mondays," I had no idea how far in to the abyss the meat trend would cary me. But from there we moved an inch closer to the world of the movie Repo Men...they're not reposessing organs yet, but one meat dealer has started reposessing steaks off diners' plates! But that was nothing compared to this story of Russian canibalism. And a couple fine young canibals they are, too. Although with that makeup they're probably fans of ICP rather than FYC...

Thank the Danes for turning us away from canibalism and meat and back to the world of beer. Why? Because some workers at the Carlsberg brewery are stopping work to protest no longer being able to drink beer while on break. I don't believe Norm from Cheers was one of them, but I'm sure he's with them in spirit.

And the beer then carried us to Oklahoma. Why? Because when I drink beer I get gassy. And that's right up this flatulence fetishist's alley. What wasn't up his alley was the alleged sexual assault from the guy he met on the Internets. Is it so wrong to want to "just 'fart' and be friends?"

And finally, did you see that movie The Men Who Stare At Goats? I didn't, but it's in the queue...anyhow, it's about people with psychic powers. This guy thought he had such powers, but yet he was unable to successfully crash the Quantas flight he was on using only his mind. Maybe the straps holding him in his chair distracted him...

A crime and vampire-filled Wednesday

This Wednesday is crime day on the Scott Chicken show. But then, pretty much every day is crime day, 'cause that's what piques my interest...

You know you're a nominee for parent of the year when you're arrested for stealing a vacuum cleaner with your kids along for the ride. Nice work, sir!

Continuing with crime, here's a guy who's watched a few too many movies. Then again, he did get away with the cash...

And speaking of people who watched too many movies, clearly these chicks watched Weekend at Bernie's a few too many times. Why else would they think putting sunglasses on their dead relative would get him on board a plane?

For those already caught and convicted, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, has a great fitness plan for you. You want to watch TV? Get on the bike! This, by the way, is a plan I really should implement in the Chicken Coop...

So say you're going to start counterfeiting currency. What denomination do you start with? Most would say the $20. In Alaska, though, they think smaller. About $19 smaller.

And finally, if you're not into the counterfeit bills or the biking but you are into vampires, head over to the University of Hertfordshire in the UK for the "Open Graves, Open Minds: Vampires and the Undead in Modern Culture" conference. Because we need more vampire-themed stuff in this world.

Tuesday's Chicken fun

It's Tuesday and it's time for another awe-inspiring Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "awe-inspiring" I naturally mean "mildly interesting"...here's what's on today:

I know this happened recently, but apparently no one's listening to my warnings. Kids, once again, make sure you know who you're texting about your drug deals or you'll end up in the slammer.

Speaking of kids, while it was nice of Junior to try to take the gar out and fill the tank, the fact that he was 8 and didn't know how to drive is a bit of a problem.

Apparently April Fools Day, while international in its appeal, still catches people off guard. Here in the States some otherwise tech savvy people were taken in by a fake product that would turn your iPad into an arcade game. Over in Jordan it wasn't technology but rather a newspaper story about 10-foot-tall aliens visiting late at night.

So, how was your Easter Egg Hunt? Probably better than this one in Iowa where a couple teenagers found a dead guy...

Maybe you skipped the Easter Egg hunting and went to a movie instead? 'cause a bunch of people did. And here's what they saw.

And finally, I'm always on the lookout for alternative medicine treatments, and for info on treating MS since my sister suffers from it. But her symptoms are pretty mild, so I doubt she'll be lining up for Bee Venom Therapy any time soon.

Post-Easter Salvation

Well, in honor of this past Easter weekend here's a story of salvation: A woman in Kentucky says her newborn baby saved her family from a house fire by waking her up with its cries! Way to go, baby!

Oh, by the way, that fire was apparently set by a drunk. And speaking of drunks in Kentucky, here's one who was so wasted he couldn't get out of the bar so he called the cops for help. Granted he'd passed out and the bar was closed, but still...

This guy was drunk too, just not in Kentucky. But he did steal an ambulance in order to leave the hospital, so that's something.

There are a number of reasons to drive a car with a manual transmission: You can red line it and look cool, it's more responsive, they tend to get better gas mileage, and it might save you from a car-jacking.

Having never been an 82-year-old woman, I can't say how important a hair styling is for that demographic. But for one Michigan woman it was important enough to stick around after she plowed her car through the front of the salon...

I rarely say "man, I wish I was in Maine", but I wouldn't have minded being there for Saturday's march for equal-opportunity public toplessness. Because I'm all about equality. And toplessness.

Good Friday's news

Now that April Fools is over it's time to focus back on real news. Like, oh, a Frito-Lay delivery truck being stolen and causing a "feeding frenzy." Stoner's delight! Or perhaps a tale of a couple dudes returning to the scene of the crime just in time to be identified by witnesses of their robbery attempt. And if that doesn't work for you, how's about a reminder that European DVD players use a different kind of current than their American counterparts. Which is why the plug looks different.

And speaking of different, it's pretty different to climb in the drive-thru window in order to smack a guy at the McDonald's for taking his own sweet time getting you your Fillet o' Fish.

Oh, here's good news if you forget to turn off your cell phone when you go in to court: A Florida appeal court has determined that a ringing phone may be annoying, but it's not contempt of court. I, for one, am resting easier now.

And finally, these two won't have to argue about it doesn't matter that one is the older twin or not since they were born on the same day, 'cause instead of being minutes apart these two are a week apart.

Happy Thursday!

It's April Fools Day, and on the Scott Chicken show today we're bringing you nothing but true stories that sound like they should be fake. But they're not. Oh, to listen in head to Radio KYA or Super CFL, or open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200.

I'm sure this happened back in the Bush days too, but I'm too lazy to do any research to find out how much it was covered. So suffice it to say the AP is letting us know that a guy in Tennessee rammed a car with an Obama bumper sticker. And speaking of political conflicts, nothing says "I love you, honey" like running against your spouse. Then again, based on the story it looks like things were pretty rocky before he filed as a candidate anyway.

In other news, I've heard of "Dialing for Dollars", and "fishing for compliments", but never "fishing for dollars". Have to give the guy points for creativity, though...Also getting points for creativity is Ohio's Hocking County who are using the old "Y2K Conversion Error" excuse for apparently trying to collect more than once for various traffic tickets.

Turning to the World Records I Didn't Know Existed department we find an Indian businesman who has set a new record for the most beard designs in 4 years. Granted, it's not approved by Guiness, but what the hell, that's still a lot of beards!

And finally, in what is possibly the best headline ever created, the story I posted yesterday, Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail.

Headline of the year

I can't take credit for it, sad to say. But whoever drafted this one for The Sun deserves a nice bonus.

Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderess in jail | The Sun |News

Wednesday's theme: Crime, crime, and more crime!

On today's midweek Scott Chicken Show we'll head down to Florida to learn how an enterprising deputy used Google Earth to make an arrest. From there it's off to church in Pennsylvania where a guy allegedly attacked a pastor's husband during a Palm Sunday church service. Why? No clue. Maybe he didn't like the sermon or something. We then slide over to the west coast for the sentencing of Yvonne Jean Pampellonne for fraudulently buying fraudulent boobs (a story the AP has delightfully given the file name "odd_breast_bandit.html"). Then it's back over to the state of disaster that is Florida for a spring break-worthy tale of a guy ending up in the slammer for throwing a plastic cup at a cop car. And we end our survey of the day's odd news in Ohio with an escape attempt straight out of a bad movie, in which the perp fled the police, abandoned his car, jumped a fence, and ended up in a prison yard.

Streaking? Bomb scares? Sounds like a Tuesday to me!

Happy Tuesday! Here's what's cookin' in the Scott Chicken radio stewpot:

Remember the '70s when people ran around nekkid for no good reason? This guy is too young to remember that, but clearly he's a fan.

Did ya go see a movie over the weekend? If so, you certainly didn't see Motherhood with Uma Thurman, Minnie Driver and Jodie Foster in it's opening weekend in the UK. Or were you one of the 11 people who bothered to go?

Jeez, as if we didn't have enough to worry about from China with the lead paint and whatnot, now we have to worry about disgruntled employees poisoning frozen dumplings!

Ah, nothing is more relaxing than a nice Carribbean cruise. And nothing harshes that buzz like a crazy drunk making a false bomb threat on your cruise ship.

Who saw this coming? That guy with the flame thrower on his scooter has been arrested!

If you're planning on heading to Rio for the 2016 Olympics you might get to see a 345-foot-tall man-made solar-powered waterfall! Why? Why not?

Monday's Chicken Cluckin'

On this fine Monday afternoon we're kicking the show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) off with a review of the weekend box office returns. The animated dragon kicked the Hot Tub Time Machine's ass. I didn't see either, but did finally check out Fantastic Mr. Fox, and saw Zombieland for a second time, so that's worth something...

After that it's off to Needham Massachusetts, where a middle school student is up on charges. What charges? Well, turns out he brought a pocket knife to school.

From there we go to a cautionary tale of a man attempting to get revenge on his ex-girlfriend. A word to the wise: Before you drop a deuce in your girlfriend's car, make sure it's actually her car.

From that tale of domestic bliss we head down to the state of disaster that is Florida where a guy tried to give his daughter a time out. So she chucked a toy gun at him and cut his head. And then somehow she ended up being arrested and charged with domestic battery. Unfortunately the story doesn't explain who called the cops...

We then head to the world of fast food. I've never eaten at a Chick-fil-A. Apparently it's worth fighting over.

And our final stop today is in the drunk tank. I suppose this woman deserves some credit for calling the cops on herself when she was driving drunk, but couldn't she have saved them some effort by calling a cab instead?

Sunday Morning yakin'

Sunday morning already? Well, good thing I've got plenty to talk about on the ol' radio!

The problem with this story is that it doesn't explain how the guy thought the duct tape on his shoes would conceal the robbery. And that's info we all need.

Hmmm...not sure a snake massage is exactly the kind of relaxation I'm looking for.

Oh those wacky Germans and their need to reserve every chez lounge by the pool...finally some enterprising criminal is taking advantage of their zeal!

So you think letting prisoners watch cable TV and movies is being soft on crime? At least we're not the Dutch, who are bringing psychics to prison to let inmates get in touch with their dead relatives!

The Vegetarians are getting more active. Well, one particular vegetarian. And by "active" I really mean "crazy".

Now I've never been carjacked, but I think if I were I'd feel better if the guy were polite about it. Not much better, but maybe a little...

Counting the days to April 16...

Sure, the taxes will be done. But this is WAY more important. And WAY NSFW, unless you work somewhere that doesn't mind violence and swearing...

Goooooood morning Indy Radio!

What's the good stand for? Good God it's early! This morning calls for drastic measures on the ol' Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And by "drastic measures" I mean recording the show the night before. 'cause ain't no way I'm getting up at 2:30 to do it! Here's what will be on the air this morning:

Update on that dog that ate the car the other week: He's a bad dog and has been sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes. But no prison time, so that's good...

It's time again for one of my favorite awards of the year, the Diagram Prize for the year's oddest book title! And while not as colorful as past winners "Bombproof Your Horse" and "Living With Crazy Buttocks," it's still pretty cool: Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes!"

Speaking of animals (but not crochet or math), I guess this guy deserves points for trying, right? I mean, he didn't just scoop the 'possum up and take it home for dinner...

So how much change do you suppose is in a parking meter? Enough to make it worth your time to cut it off the pole?

It's a down economy, so people are going to try all kinds of things to start their own business and make money. But lest you think running an underage strip club out of your mobile home is a good idea, please understand that it ain't.

And finally, if you're worried that the family of the guy you killed might come and return the favor once you're released from jail, if you try to break back in to jail the State will keep you safe for 15 more years.

The end of the week means crashed cars and stupid criminals!

On today's Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) I won't be talking about the awesome Natalie Portman rap song I found on line yesterday, nor the craptastic In the Name of the King Dungeon Siege movie I watched last night. But I will cover this crap:

Ever crash a car on a test drive? Yeah, me neither. But if I had it sure wouldn't cost my insurance company £300,000. And not just because I live in the US where we don't use pounds as money...

Hey, wasn't e-mail supposed to cut down how much paper we used and save us a bunch of money? Apparently it's not working so well. Otherwise we wouldn't have a story about a Wisconsin college cutting costs by changing the default e-mail font. The new font apparently uses 30% less ink to print. Which is still 70% more than not printing, but I guess it's a start...

Good to know that even today's jaded teens occasionally worry about someone telling Mom about their crimes and misdemeanors.

I would have thought this would be obvious, but apparently it's not: tossing your baby in to your SUV will not stop the repo men from taking the car. It'll just land your ass in jail for child endangerment. And get you on the Scott Chicken show. So really it's a win-win.

What is the world coming to? Do we really want to live in a society where kids can't have a jungle gym jail on their playground?

Today's criminal mastermind: The double-ear ring wearing Mr. White, who asking a cop for directions shortly after robbing a store. Apparently the police use something called a "radio" to communicate "descriptions" of their "perps". Who knew?

Possibly the worst move I've ever seen

And that's saying something, 'cause I've seen some doozies. But I'm fairly certain In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale is it. Why, you ask?

First, there's the premise. I've played Dungeon Siege in all its variations (well, I think I've actually only played DS 1, the "Aranna" expansion pack (now available together in this convenient two-pack, and DS 2. Missed the DS 2 "Broken World Expansion Pack" and any other versions that weren't on the PC). It's a fine game: you're a farmer or something, some weird monsters called the Krug attack, and you go on a rampage linear adventure until you've become the most badass of bad asses in the land. As I recall (and I haven't played the game in a few years) there's no king. Just lots and lots of killing and making allies with various other characters. But let's face it, it ain't a movie waiting to happen.

That said, I can see how someone might think this was a good idea: pre-existing market, pre-developed monster characters, a relatively known universe, and Jason Statham as the farmer. Throw a few other big-name actors and people will go see it, right? Sure!

Well, it didn't quite work out that way thanks to the insanely horrible script. They got Statham, and they lined up some other stars (Ray Liota as the evil wizard, Burt Reynolds as the king, Ron Perlman as our hero's friend and guardian, John Rhys-Davies as the good wizard, and the lovely Leelee Sobieski as the good wizard's daughter who is duped by the evil Ray Liota), but how they did with that script I have no idea. The only thing I can think is that director Uwe Boll must have had dirt on them all. Or offered them a shitton of money. Because Jesus God that's some bad writing. Bad to the point that 12-year-old Logan Chicken was amazed at its badness.

Admittedly I watched it on SciFi (yes, I am blatantly ignoring their re-spelling of the word), so maybe they edited out some good dialog or plot points, but I'm doubtful. Because even if there were three or four minutes of decent script cut out it won't make up for lines like "Those who you fight, we will help you fight them." In fact, I think the best line in the movie was from King Burt who said, in response to something said by Good Wizard Rhys-Davies, "What the hell does that mean?" And I'm pretty sure that was ad-libbed.

In the movie's favor, the action scenes were OK. Not great, but OK. And hey, it won an award or two! At least according to IMDB, anyway, taking the illustrious Special Award at the 2007 Hessian Film Awards for Wolfgang Herold's sound supervision. More importantly it won the 2009 Razzie for Worst Director for Mr. Boll, but amazingly didn't win worst picture or worst screenplay (losing out to The Love Guru in both categories).

So why did I watch this piece of garbage? Well, because I'd played the game, because I like Statham's work, because it was on TV, and because I was stunned by how bad it was and just couldn't look away.

Everything's back to normal...

Well, after yesterday's all-day marathon show it's nice to get back to a mere six personality spots on the ol' Scott Chicken Show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200). And we're going to get things rolling with a nutjob on Bainbridge Island (OK, maybe he's not a nutjob...for all I know there really are werewolves and C.H.U.D.s roaming the streets of Winslow) armed with a sword and throwing knives.

From there we head east to Connecticut, where a couple of guys thought they'd make it easy on the bank and call ahead to request an amount of money be ready for them to steal. Not surprisingly, the plan went exactly as you'd think.

You've no doubt heard about how strong ants are, right? How if a human were as strong proportionately as an ant he or she would be able to lift a car or whatever? Well, ants are pencilnecks compared to the mighty horned dung beetle.

I've never been fired, but I have fired a couple people. Never by Facebook message, though. Then again, there was no Facebook in the '90s...

Tired of people cutting you off while you drive your moped around? Well, just do what this guy did and attach a flame thrower to the thing!

And to end things on a downer note, the great Robert Culp has died. Bummer.

Wednesday it's all Scott Chicken, all day!

So Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) morning guy Chico had to get out of town in a hurry last night (something about a bookie, a horse named "BlackSox", and a safety deposit box in Ellensburgh), so tomorrow's Scott Chicken Show will run all damn day. But don't worry, that means we've doubled the content to keep you entertained!

In the morning (3 AM to noon or so) I'll be talking about, well, Chico being chased out of town for a day. I'll also mention that today is "Try to remember if you know how to play Parchesi" day. I do, and I'll tell you why. I've also got some fascinating tidbits of "on this day" trivia, because I'm lazy and that crap's easy to find.

But don't worry, there's real nonsense news as well. For instance, did you know that a gaming site called GameCrush.com launched yesterday, and that for a mere $8.25 you can play chat-enabled video games with a real live girl?

Now, I'm sure you know that drunk driving is bad. But you may not have thought about how much worse than drunk driving is drunk driving with a bag full of drugs and cash under your seat. That is, unless you find jail time a good thing, in which case none of that is bad!

On the good side of the scale we find a school in Bellingham that's planning to take today off if it's sunny. Why? Well, because they didn't take any snow days this year and can afford to dump a day. And because dude, they're in Bellingham. And it's sunny!

As for the afternoon, well, it's mostly dominated by stories of food crime:

So I know Jersey Shore is over for the season, but that doesn't stop the news out of New Jersey. Especially not when that news involves breaking, entering and cooking.

FYI, the city of Anchorage doesn't take kindly to attempted pizza theft. So much so they bring out the SWAT team.

In yet another food-related crime (not an intentional theme, but just the way things played out today), the Colorado baby formula ring has been broken up, so Coloradans will have to pay retail again.

And hey, let's go for four in a row! Somebody dumped a certified assload of Panera bread next to a river in Muncie, Indiana. The ducks win, the charities that are supposed to get it lose. I'm hoping the cops are taking a close look at the ducks...

OK, enough with the food. You know, some times you want to talk to your lady but she just won't shut the hell up. So you go and bind her hands and gag her with duct tape so she has to listen to you. Is that so wrong? Well, yes. Yes it is.

And finally, why couldn't some angered senior citizen investors have kidnapped Bernie Madhoff? That would have made everyone's day!

It's Tuesday? Must be time for my chilli grenade!

This Tuesday's Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is filled with things that have little or nothing to do with health care reform. Well, at least not directly...

Ever eat something so spicy that your eyes water and you can't see? Ever accidentally (or on purpose, if that's your thing) inhale chili powder, or get some in your eyes? OK, take that and multiply it by a bunch, then put it in a hand grenade. Why? Because you're a military expert in India and you can, that's why!

Maybe the chili grenade is why this guy was hanging out in a bar wearing a hospital gown. Or maybe it was because he knew he was going to jail and wanted a beer.

OK, I'm not a big fan of pit bulls, but this one did it's job mighty well!

They say there's no such thing as bad press. So you'd think the Tiger Woods people would be OK with a Tiger blow-up doll. Maybe they're just ticked that they're not getting royalties...

The other week it was a guy fixing buildings and walls with Legos, this week it's a guy opening his first exhibition of Lego sculpture. Clearly I didn't apply myself enough in my youth!

You've seen all the Google Street View stunts, with people marching along beside the cars and holding up signs and whatnot. But the floating pliers over Cradley Heath in England are more mundane: a guy fixing the camera. Sigh.

Spring has sprung!

Well, it's Monday and time for the first Scott Chicken show of the spring on the ol' Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)! Here's what we've got cookin':

Ever have the police come knocking on your door looking for someone who doesn't live there? OK, multiply that by 50 times and you have these people's last 8 years.

OK, once again, if the Police are already looking for you for, say, an outstanding warrant, don't go do something stupid like lighting a match on an airplane.

Once in a while you just can't get to the library in time to return that book. Usually you get it back a few days late and pay 35 cents or whatever. And some times you forget about it for longer. Like, oh, 45 years.

Some people just don't understand the neighborhood benefits of a woman gardening wearing only a yellow thong and pink gloves.

I've always said peanut butter is dangerous. But I was talking about allergies, not getting one's head stuck in the jar. good thing I'm both allergic (and so not tempted) and not a skunk (and so unable to fit my head in the jar should I want to).

And in case you didn't spend all weekend tied up with the NCAA basketball tournament or the Paralympic sleigh hockey final, maybe you saw one of these movies.

A sunny Friday at Indy Radio

It's Friday, the sun is out, so take your radio or portable Internet listening device (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) along and hear me yammer on about these things in between songs from days of yore:

Today's criminal tip: When you break in to a store, don't use their computer to surf your MySpace page and look at porn.

Here's proof that some things are worth more than money: Remember that lady who wouldn't sell her house in Ballard, so they built a building around it? This guy would have gotten along with her quite well, thank you very much.

I thought the phrase was "trouser snake", not "bra snake"...

So say you're gay but still closeted, so you go to a brothel to hook up. Naturally you'd be careful going in and out in case anyone saw you, right? Well, that's all well and good until the place goes up in flames and leaves you naked on a balcony awaiting rescue...

Boomers everywhere are in tears: Fess Parker is dead. Who he, you ask? The guy who played Daniel Boone and made those coonskin caps popular back in the mid 50s. Kind of their generation's Fonzie or something.

You know that "picture in picture" window in the On Demand menu? The one that promotes other shows you could view that might cost you money? Yeah, I don't think they intended it to be used to show porn while you're browsing shows in the Preschool Kids On Demand section.

Thursday? Already?

Yes it is! And on today's mighty Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) we'll learn that, even if you're drunk and cold, it's not OK to break in to someone's house and jump in bed with them. Seriously. Not OK.

Also not OK, no matter how drunk you are (or how much you want to win the fight), is biting a guy's ear. Yes, Iron Mike, I'm looking at you...

Continuing our list, while it's OK to be angry at someone for not loaning you their car keys to go on a beer run, it's not OK to go nuts and bust up the joint. Especially if you're drunk and probably shouldn't be driving anyway.

You know those spike strips the cops use to stop cars they're chasing? Yeah, well, they work pretty well. Even when they just fall out of the cop car on accident. Oops!

And speaking of oops, be sure to check that you're sending your text about illegal drugs to the right person. The wrong person, by the way, is a DEA agent.

And finally, remember the "cussing jogger?" Yeah, me neither. Well, I kind of remember...in any case, he's got a lawyer now so he can continue harrassing people

Fun with planes!

Other than the gratuitous Top Gun clip this is pretty cool...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's Saint Patrick's Day, and the Scott Chicken show (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200) is going green! First up, we're going to recycle some dinosaur dung to make a nice watch. Then we're going to increase our efficiency by making two DUI arrests in one traffic stop with the Alaska State Troopers. And speaking of green, we head next to Green Bay where people are stealing the nice green street signs for Mullet Place.

Green means natural, right? Well, I think this one is stretching it a bit...I mean, sure, Viagara isn't exactly natural, but neither is forcing your wife to have sex with 50 dudes. Well, not natural for most of us.

We continue recycling things with a guy making the worlds largest house of cards, which isn't so much a house as a replica of a casino that's 30 X 9 and used 218,792 cards.

And finally, we're green with envy that we don't have a German bullet from World War 2 stuck in our hip. OK, that's a lie, but it's still a good story...

Tuesday's radio has learned to tie it's boot lace.

Tuesday already? Then I must be talking about this crap on the mighty Indy Radio (Radio KYA and Super CFL...to listen on line open these URLs in your favorite audio player thingy: KYA http://sandi.damnserver.com:9290, Super CFL http://sandi.damnserver.com:9200)!

New Hampshire has apparently solved all their problems, 'cause the legislature is now voting on whether the state drink should be milk or cider.

Clearly that time capsule wasn't as secure as they'd thought...

A town in Arizona is missing a 25-year-old bottle of brandy. When officials in Somerton opened a time capsule Saturday, they discovered mementos from 1985 - but didn't find a bottle of Mexican brandy that was supposed to be in the capsule.

The key steps when you set out to boobytrap your car to avoid it being stolen are a) setting the trap, and 2) successfully dismantling the trap. Otherwise you end up like this guy.

"When questioned about the incident, (the man) stated that he had set a booby trap as an anti-theft device by placing his loaded .38 caliber Smith and Wesson revolver with the hammer in the cocked position under his steering wheel," Gang Unit Detective Rob Thomas wrote in a police document.

"When he returned to his vehicle after jogging in the park he attempted to disarm his booby trap, accidentally set off the gun and shot himself in the leg."

What's the big deal? It's not like the dead people are going to use the syrup...

Maple syrup producers are under fire for tapping maple trees in Central Massachusetts cemeteries. The Worcester Telegram reports Monday that at least two cemeteries in Lancaster and one in Petersham have sap buckets on trees that stand along side rows of tombstones.

There are plenty of weapons available to the innovative bathroom-fighter. The lid of the toilet tank, for instance. And based on the picture, she's pretty damn proud that she thought of it!

According to police, Johnson removed the lid and hit her sister during a fight. Authorities said the sister suffered an injured foot and finger.

OK, we've all heard about the Kea, New Zealand's car-eating parrot thing. But here in the States we've got car-eating dogs.

Officer Clayton Holmes had been checking traffic speeds with radar and stopped to fill out a report when he felt his car shaking. He found a bulldog chewing on the tires. After the dog attacked two passing cars and a second police car, officers used pepper spray and a Taser on it, but the animal wasn't deterred.

By the time McCamey Animal Center staffers captured that dog and two others, it had chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off Holmes' patrol car.